Marriage

Ok so lets rewind back to October 2010. 7 months after I got out of the hospital. Things were going well and then things started going back to the way things were. He promised they wouldn’t but they did. There were little signs here and their. Then they just got worse and worse. I started feeling scared again. Scared of a confrontation. It just was bad. There were moments when he embarrassed me at work and the last straw was when one of my BFF’s came over to my house. She tried starting up a conversation with him and he pretty much was rude to her and then ignored her. My friend didn’t know what to do so she left. I kept apologizing to her and she said to me you don’t have to apologize for his behavior but I felt I needed to. I was so embarrassed. So after she left I was so angry. I asked him what was his problem was. For me to question him is a no no! So he sat up straight with the attitude and look of how dare you question my behavior. He said he didn’t have a problem and I said then why did you treat (I’ll call her A for now) like that. He said he didn’t do anything wrong and I tried explaining his behavior to him and he got angrier to the point  where my daughter started to panic. she was pacing back and forth. Then he blew! He told me to get A on the phone and I was like no he said you better call her now and I again said no he then said you better or else. I was shaking so bad I felt like I was going to vomit. So I grabbed the phone and called her. He said you ask her if I was rude to her then he grabbed the phone and asked her himself. She got scared and got off the phone quick. She didn’t even answer the question. He was so made he threw the phone down. Well then I blew. I told him I couldn’t believe he made me call her so on and so forth and he just got madder and madder to the point where he started blaming me for his behavior. I just shut right down. That’s what happens to me when my PTSD flares up. I couldn’t hear him all I could feel was my heart pounding, my legs feel like jello and my stomach in my throat. I was shaking so bad I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I felt my body just give in to my PTSD symptoms. I had no control. I lost it. I ran to the bathroom and was dry heaving and then went to my bedroom and laid down. I just was rocking back and forth in my bed . Shaking ,crying. It was awful! then I heard my door open and it was my daughter checking on me. She was so upset. She was crying and then she said to me you have to leave him mom. I don’t want you back in the hospital. so that was the beginning of the end of my marriage.

C

Not a good couple of days!

So it’s been a rough couple of day’s. I took yesterday off work hoping I would feel better today but unfortunately I don’t. I really need a good cry but I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop. I’m not in a good place. I have this co-worker “friend” who keeps sending me these long drawn out self help articles. Today she sent me like 4 of them. I don’t mean to sound ungreatfull but I can barley get through my work. I can’t even concentrate. I know she means well but she sends me these articles almost everyday. ” just read these articles and you will be all better” I’ts just not that simple. People with depression have a very hard time focusing. I can’t even sit down and read a book. Just writing this post is hard. Keeping depression under control is not a simple task. Believe me when I say I wish it was but it’s not. I felt this last bout of depression coming on about 2 weeks ago and it has progressed since then. 3 of my friends understand and the rest have no idea how to handle me. It’s a lonley cycle. Then there is that dreaded question everyone asks when they see you “How are you” and of course I say alright. I wish I could just scream do you really want to know? I feel like shit!!!!! So thats how I feel today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

 

 

C

2 posts in 1 day wow!

Never thought it would be this easy to get back in the swing. So here goes!
So I’m not sure if I mentioned this but I have OCD. I have never really been diagnosed but I’m pretty sure I have been all my life. I have an obsessive personality. Everyday when I get to work I look out my window to see if my ex-boyfriends car is there. I find myself doing that more and more. I know I should move on but I’m still in love with him.I met or should I say started dating JR July 17,2011. I’ve known him for many years though work. Over 20 years! One day I saw him in the parking lot and he was walking towards this brand new Chevy Camaro. I said to JR thats not your car is it and he said yes and then i was like get out really. So thats how it started! Before I knew it we started dating and I feel madly in love with him in a couple of months. You see that is my problem when I fall in love I fall hard. I should of really picked up the signs but I was too in love to notice. He wanted our relationship to be hush hush. Where I wanted to scream it to the wolrd.” I’M IN LOVE” ! All I wanted at the time was to be with him every second of the day. We emailed,text,talked and saw eatch other almost everyday. That lasted for a couple of months then around the 4-5th month is when he started backing off. I’m lucky if I saw him 1-2 days a week and then came the excuses. Till finally he just stopped calling. It didn’t stop me from calling him or texting him. He did finally come over one night to tell me that he couldn’t commit to a relationship. That it wasn’t fair to me, that I deserved better. Blah Blah Blah. I was devestated and that’s when I said I love you I’ll accept any kind of relationship. Oh stupid me! What the hell was wrong with me. I did deserve better however I wanted to be with him so I held onto whatever I could. Anyway JR & I aren’t in a relationship anymore but what did I do the other week I slept with him Yup desperate me! As I type this it really disgust me to think I have become that person. A person who will do anything for attention for his attention.

OMG I didn’t fill you in on my marriage. I’ll have to update you on that in my next post.

C

Dirty Little Secrets

We all have them right? Some people have alot and some no so much. Well I’m one of those people with alot. There are times when I just want to scream them out to the world and there are times I am so ashamed that I’m so afraid of anyone finding them out. My fear is judgement & rejection. I have so many friends yet I still feel very alone. I’m so scared that I won’t even tell my therapist. I know what good is therapy if I can’t even be honest with her. Well as I continue to purge I hope that I will have the nerve to share my secrets. It’s getting harder and harder keeping them all bottled up imside!

C

I’m back!

I said I would be back! I have alot of purging to do. So many new things have changed in my life. Some good and some bad. I have to make sure to catch you up on things and get back to my life story. This is going to take a while. Right now I need to first say how I am feeling. To tell you the truth not so good! My anxiety is very high and I feel like I can’t stand being in my own skin. Some day’s more than others. I also feel very lonley. When I say this I mean alone in this world. Everybodys lives are going on and mine is at a standstill. Everyone tells me I need a hobby but when your mind and body can barley get through the day having another thing to do gives me more anxiety. Hopefully the more I purg the more enrgey I will have for other things. So that is it for now!

C

It’s been a very long time!!

Hello everyone! It’s been almost a year since my last blog. There is so much tell First I wanted to stop by and say hello. I’ll be back!

Am I 44 or not!

That’s what I ask myself  every time my mom treats me like a child. This time it was about going down to visit my dad. I had issues that I had to deal with because my mom wanted me to stay with her and  didn’t want to because of my asthma. You see the last time I went down my asthma got so bad I was sick for over a month. Well my mom made arrangements for me to sleep down stairs so I did wind up staying with her.

Well I had a lot of anxiety over it. My mom needs me in her own little selfish way and I don’t want to disappoint her so I gave in. Yeah I know I have to get over that because I’m 44 years old now and I’m not a little kid. I should be able to make my own decisions right? Well my mom sometimes forgets that I’m an adult & so do I. I did speak up to her finally and told her how she was making me feel but in the long run she wound up getting her way anyway. That is how it usually is. I am however proud that I spoke up for myself. I have never in the 38 years that she has been my mother. NEVER. When I made the decision to do so I wanted to vomit. That day was long for me! I couldn’t call her till the evening and the closer I got to the time the more sicker I felt. I asked my husband if he could just sit next to me when I talked to her and he did. So I did it. Do I feel any different? Well yes in a way. Was it a victory? NO! She still got her way. If my dad knew he would be very upset.  I’m sure he knows in a way he has lived with her for 40 years! I don’t know how he has done it. I don’t know how anyone could live with such a person.

I’m sure there is some part of her that is good. i see it every now & then but in the back of my mind I still have that fear! Fear of Judgment & abandonment. Also fear that if I don’t do what she says then she wont allow me to see my dad. So I just go through the motions . You know kind of like being fake . I swore that after my last hospital stay that I wouldn’t do that anymore but now I kind of feel like I have no choice. Its hard. I’m trying really hard. Even though my mom is a tough person to deal with i still love her. She is the only mom I have .

My daughter tells me she doesn’t understand why I allow her to treat me that way. She will never understand neither will my husband. They never been in my place. They have never been abandoned. they will never know that feeling. It’s not  a good one! So I deal as best as I can and hang onto every moment that I have left with my dad. Our time with him is so precious!

God Bless

WHY WHY WHY

Why do I still allow my mom to control me? I just can’t take it !  The latest is that the last time I went down to visit my mom my allergies & asthma got so bad that I’ve been coughing ever since. It’s been over a month I finally went to the doctors and they had to give me a breathing treatment and steroids plus a new inhaler. So I called my mom to tell her that I wouldn’t be able to stay with her the next time i came down because of all the dog hair and plus there is only one bed so I have to sleep in the same bed with her when I’m there and she has to have the dog in the bed with her. Yeah I know she has issues. So I told her that I would be staying with my son and she stopped me once I said that and told me that the reason I go down there is not only to see my dad but to see her and keep her company. She said she is lonely and that it would really upset her if I came down and didn’t stay with her. Again its all about her as usual. I told her again I can’t because of the asthma and she said well wait till it gets better and then come down. It would really disappoint her if I came down now. Oh and then she tells me to not come down because the nursing home would think I was contagious because of all my coughing. They wouldn’t want me there.

Well here we go again now she is telling me when I can and when I can’t come down & who I can’t stay with wile I”m there. Really!!! Come on now is it me or am I losing my mind? She is telling me that when I come down that I am to stay with her not my son. Really how old am I ? Did she somehow in that crazy mind of hers think that I was still 6 years old and not 44?

There are so many other things that has gone on in the past few months that I can write a book!

Every time  I talk to my husband about it he gets so mad that he tells me please not to tell him anymore. He told me it makes him so angry because she is abusing me and there is nothing that he can do about it. We even got into an argument today! He hates that fact that I don’t speak up for myself and he say’s that I can’t really blame her. No one has told her or stood up to her and tell her she is wrong. Blah Blah Blah

I can understand to some extent why he feels that way but I still need some moral support through this!

I made up my mind that today is the day! I’m going to tell her that I’m coming down even if she doesn’t like it. I’m going to tell that I’m not doing it to disappoint her but because I want to see my father and that I will from now on stay with DeShaun because my asthma isn’t going away and everytime I stay with her it will make it worse. I can’t afford to take time off of work because I’m sick. If she can’t understand where I’m coming from then so be it. I know there will be ramifications for it. That’s what I’m afraid of. Not knowing what it will be but I have to stay strong no matter what. If she doesn’t allow  me to see him then  so be it. I will go down and tell him what has been going on and I will also tell him that my mom might not let me see him and then she will have to deal with it.

I am all she has so hopefully she will understand what I have to tell her!

I’m so sick to my stomach so I just have to get it over with tonight!!! I will let y’all know how it went.

God Bless

So now she is

I can’t believe it’s been this long!

First-  I want to say to all my friends that my life has forever changed. Mostly in a good way and some in a not so positive way. Boy i have so much to tell you so first and foremost I have to give thanks to my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ! I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for him. There are sooo many people that say that like in there acceptance speech after winning something. Well I have to say I’m not like those people. I truly believe that if I didn’t have him in my life I would seriously be dead. So many thanks to him!!!

Second-  I have to say that my husband has made some drastic changes and I have fallen in love with him all over again! It’s not easy by any means. We both have to work really hard on our relationship. The blessing is he is willing to do that. After telling the truth about everything it’s been much easier.

Third – My therapist has been fabulous. She has helped me tremendously. Of course she tells me that I’m the one doing the work.

Fourth- My children! they are the love of my life. My son has been wonderful. We have I think gotten really close lately. Of course I can’t forget the teenager. This is where life hasn’t been so easy. My girl always’ has a surprise for me. She is something else. I just keep praying to god to help me through this stage in her life. LOL. I love her to death though!

So for the not so good things going on in my life well you don’t really have to guess it’s my Mom & Dad.

It’s been a rough road. There is soo much I have to tell you about that but for right now I’m just grateful that my dad is still alive. He has been through so much.

So that’s all for now. Before all this happened I had enough events in my life that I could have written a couple of books well now lets just say I am up to about 5 books! LOL

 

Mush Love

God Bless

Hello there!

Hello to all my blog friends! I haven’t been on regularly because I have had so much going on in my life that by the time I sit down I’m ready to go to bed!

My dad is still in the ICU. He is slowly recovering and will be transferred to a rehab facility in the next couple of weeks. God keep showing me how good he is. He has gotten me through such hurdles in my life. When you think all is good then something else happens. At first I thought I was being punished for all the harsh things I have been saying in my post. I soon figured it out its not the case. God wouldn’t put me through all this . It just happened. Its a fluke. Who would of known that my dads AVM would rupture. He has been through so much. 4 surgeries and he is still alive. Its a miracle!

My Mom on the other hand is a complete mess. Her life as she knew it isn’t the same anymore. My Dad had alway’s catered to her every need. Now she has to ask other people for help & do things on her own. I do in a way feel bad for her however she still can be very abrupt and cruel. That hasn’t changed. I was mentally drained for the 2 weeks I was there and I still am in a way. I have to call her everyday for an update. It’s alway’s about her & how drained she is. Oh poor me routine. Let me give you an example. When she found out that their insurance doesn’t cover a lot of the cost for a rehab she was sick to her stomach she was telling my father while he was still in a coma please wake up your costing me $140.00 a day! Then she would laugh a little like it was funny and I would be standing there pissed. Its costing her money. Well it’s both of their money and who cares they have it. Who could say now a day’s if they had over $15,000. 00 in the bank. No one! Everytime she say’s it I just want to curse her out but I keep my mouth shut because I can’t have an opinion! Oh there is so much more! Well lets see she wouldn’t let me drive their car while I was there but she let her Secretary drive it anytime she wanted . My mom doesn’t drive so we would have to bring her to the hospital every day. I stayed at home with her for 2 weeks but she would have her secretary come over and pick us up & bring us to the hospital. Now does that make any sence? No not at all. but I kept my mouth shut ! Oh and here is the latest. Next weekend I am going down for 3 day’s to see my dad and my daughter is going with me. Well you should have heard what she said . She isn’t staying here is she ? I’m not comfortable having her stay here. I am too stressed out and I don’t want to have to caterto her. Blah Blah Blah. She went on & on about it so I had to ask my son if his sister could stay with him while we were there. I just couldn’t believe it! She didn’t want my daughter (her granddaughter) to stay in her house! I almost cancelled my trip but I had to keep saying to myself I’m going down to see my dad. She is something else!!!!!! It’s all about her!!!! She didn’t hear from me for 2 day’s and she called to ask why and I told her that I didn’t get home till late and I didn’t want to wake her.Which was true! Well she went on about how she thought I was upset with her and that her stomach was in knots. How she just couldn’t handle another thing and please don’t be made! Boho boho boho! She didn’t apologize though and she still wanted to make sure that I was coming down & that J(daughter) wasn’t staying there GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Lord help me!!!!! While we were talking she asked what I was doing so I started telling her that I had just got done eating dinner & was getting ready to weed whack the front yard because it had gotten so bad because D(husband) & I have been busy working  and how we didn’t have time! She starts telling me  don’t complain to me about how you don’t have time. I don’t have any time. I have so much to do Blah Blah Blah blah! So I shut up again! Lord help me! I’ll tell you one thing I’m so glad that I have good meds. That is what is keeping me sane!!!

So that the latest & greatest news!

I’ll try to keep everyone posted more often!

Much Love

God Bless!