WHY WHY WHY

Why do I still allow my mom to control me? I just can’t take it !  The latest is that the last time I went down to visit my mom my allergies & asthma got so bad that I’ve been coughing ever since. It’s been over a month I finally went to the doctors and they had to give me a breathing treatment and steroids plus a new inhaler. So I called my mom to tell her that I wouldn’t be able to stay with her the next time i came down because of all the dog hair and plus there is only one bed so I have to sleep in the same bed with her when I’m there and she has to have the dog in the bed with her. Yeah I know she has issues. So I told her that I would be staying with my son and she stopped me once I said that and told me that the reason I go down there is not only to see my dad but to see her and keep her company. She said she is lonely and that it would really upset her if I came down and didn’t stay with her. Again its all about her as usual. I told her again I can’t because of the asthma and she said well wait till it gets better and then come down. It would really disappoint her if I came down now. Oh and then she tells me to not come down because the nursing home would think I was contagious because of all my coughing. They wouldn’t want me there.

Well here we go again now she is telling me when I can and when I can’t come down & who I can’t stay with wile I”m there. Really!!! Come on now is it me or am I losing my mind? She is telling me that when I come down that I am to stay with her not my son. Really how old am I ? Did she somehow in that crazy mind of hers think that I was still 6 years old and not 44?

There are so many other things that has gone on in the past few months that I can write a book!

Every time  I talk to my husband about it he gets so mad that he tells me please not to tell him anymore. He told me it makes him so angry because she is abusing me and there is nothing that he can do about it. We even got into an argument today! He hates that fact that I don’t speak up for myself and he say’s that I can’t really blame her. No one has told her or stood up to her and tell her she is wrong. Blah Blah Blah

I can understand to some extent why he feels that way but I still need some moral support through this!

I made up my mind that today is the day! I’m going to tell her that I’m coming down even if she doesn’t like it. I’m going to tell that I’m not doing it to disappoint her but because I want to see my father and that I will from now on stay with DeShaun because my asthma isn’t going away and everytime I stay with her it will make it worse. I can’t afford to take time off of work because I’m sick. If she can’t understand where I’m coming from then so be it. I know there will be ramifications for it. That’s what I’m afraid of. Not knowing what it will be but I have to stay strong no matter what. If she doesn’t allow  me to see him then  so be it. I will go down and tell him what has been going on and I will also tell him that my mom might not let me see him and then she will have to deal with it.

I am all she has so hopefully she will understand what I have to tell her!

I’m so sick to my stomach so I just have to get it over with tonight!!! I will let y’all know how it went.

God Bless

So now she is

The next day!

When I woke up the next day I was really scared. I didn’t know how to feel or what to expect. I felt all alone. I was introduced to the rest of the people in my dorm and shown around. There were a lot of women and couple of men which surprised me. I thought that they had the men stay in a separate dorm.  I met with the team of doctors. Medical doctor, Nurse Practitioner, LCSW . I was given a schedule that I had to stick to and my medication was changed. The doctor said that the medication I was on was very mild so they increased that and she put me on additional medication. There was group therapy and private therapy sessions. Group therapy was a little hard for me but once I got used to it I was able to participate. The food wasn’t bad and we had visiting hours. God I couldn’t wait for that time. My husband visited me every chance he got. Poor thing was so worried about me. I cried the first time he left after visiting hours. I didn’t realize till that moment how much I loved that man. He didn’t let me down. He hugged me so tight. I could see the hurt in his eyes but he didn’t say anything because he knew it would make me even more upset. For the first time in 21 years this man was telling me how much he loved me and wasn’t afraid to show it. All this time I thought he wouldn’t understand, he wouldn’t care, he wouldn’t really get what it was I was going through but he did. What a shock for me. Why did have to come to this to make him open his eyes? I don’t know. But I was so glad! Thank you God!

So I was in for 7 day’s. I learned a lot , I met some wonderful people and I feel like I can live again. It’s going to be hard and it’s going to take a lot of work but I think I can do it!

 

 

God Bless

C

It’s been a while Part 2

Well as I was saying before I had a plan. As I look back I have been planning this for a couple of weeks. I was so scared. FEAR is a horrible thing. It took over my entire life. So it was either go on an admit that I needed help or just commit suicide. For me suicide would have been the easiest thing to do. I didn’t have to face my problems anymore. I didn’t have to play that role. You know the role of everything is alright. I struggled with this back & forth in my mind. Do I ? Don’t I? I was actually planning it in my mind. Night time was the worst for me. That’s when my mind would just spiral out of control. I couldn’t sleep . It really was making me so angry! Why did life haf to be so hard.  I know life isn’t supposed to be easy but damn can I get a break already. My life has been a struggle since the day I was born. I just couldn’t understand why I had continued to live like this. I didn’t want to anymore. I was scared to live in my skin. I wanted to crawl out of it. That’s were I was at in my mind. So I said to myself you have to tell the truth at therapy. So off I went to my appointment. Most of that day was a fog for me. I can’t even remember what I said to her all I know is she was on the phone getting me admitted to the hospital. Then she had me call D . God that was the hardest thing. Telling him to meet me at the therapist. He was very angry. When he got there I talked to him first in the car. He had no clue. Like I said before he thought everything was okay. So after everything was laid out. He just looked at me and asked why I hadn’t told him. I told him I was afraid of what he would think or say. After our meeting I was to go home and pack a bag and then go to the hospital.

The ride to the hospital was very long and I was crying. My husband just started telling me things that he had never told me before. How much he loved me and how I’m his best friend. Some of that ride I can’t even remember . All I know is I cried most of it. I felt so alone. He told me he would be there for me no matter what but I still felt alone.

ALONE what a horrible place to be. As I write this I’m crying because that’s the truth.

As we entered the parking lot I told him I was scared. I’ve never been without my family. He gave me a big hug. He said don’t worry  just do what you have to do to get better.

The admission process was long almost 2 hours. I finally got to my room at midnight. What an exhausting day.They gave me a private room which is a good thing because I cried myself to sleep.  The next day was a new beginning for me. The start of healing. It wasn’t easy and I had to face my demons. FEAR, ABANDONMENT, JUDGMENT, MOLESTATION, SECRETS .

Sorry for taking so long to fill you in. There is so much more to tell. Till next time…..

 

God Bless

C

It’s been a while Part 1

Yes it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I had mixed feeling about it. I thought it would bring me back to that dark time. I was at a real low and I didn’t know how to get out of it. I was scared. Really scared the kind of scared that you don’t want to be in your own skin anymore. My mind wasn’t working. All I could think about was get me out of here. That’s what I was screaming inside. So I went to my therapy session with a plan. I thought to myself  you have to tell her the truth! Well I wasn’t sure what the truth was all I know is I want out of this hell. This life! I was so ashamed but I knew I had to get help. So I went into her office and I confessed. She couldn’t let me leave she made some calls to check for an inpatient facility and she made me call my husband and tell him he had to come to my therapist office. Yeah that didn’t go so well. He was angry. He couldn’t believe that I was contenplating suicide. He thought everything was fine. Partly my fault as I was scared to tell him the real truth. FEAR has taken over everything. I was frightend all the time. Fear of the unknown. What could or couldn’t happen what might happen or what they might think of me. I became paranoid. Yeah it was not a good place to be. I don’t know how else to describe it other than the way I have. I never in a million years thought that I would ever want to end my life. What a selfish thing to do. How it would hurt my children, my husband, my freinds. How could I? Well that’s how I felt . Well I want to share with you the whole experience and how I managed to get out of my hell. Not sure yet how many parts but for now I’ll leave you with part 1.

Till next time.

God Bless

C