More facts about me!

 

 

 

11. I was born premature. 3 lbs 5 1/2 ounces.

12. I hated school.

13. I know how to cute hair. (but never got my license)

14. I took dance classes and my favorite was Tap.

16. I Hate yogurt!

17. I had one girlfriend growing up and as an adult I now have about 30.

18. I’ve had a State job for almost 20 years.

19. I’m horrible at typing.

20. I love old school music from back in the day-70’s-90’s.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwsUNnA-uiE&feature=related               http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qi06JvNHW6U,

21. My favorite chocolate is dark.

22. I didn’t drive on the highway till about 10 years after I got my license. ( to scared)

23. I used to smoke.

24. My 5 favorite movies are Steel Magnolias, Beaches, Terms of Endearment, Bridges of Madison County & The Notebook. (I love them and can watch them over & over!!!!!)

25. I’m allergic to cats.

 

that’s it for now!!

Till next time…..

 

God Bless

Published in: on May 28, 2010 at 2:38 pm  Comments (8)  
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Some interesting facts about me!

1. I love chocolate & peanut butter but not together.

2.I’m petrified of dentist, bats & bee’s.

3. I didn’t learn how to drive till I was 23 years old. ( had no choice hubby got tired of driving me around lol)

4. I’m a Certified Spin Instructor. Taught classes for 7 years.

5.I’m Spanish but can’t speak a lick of it!

6. I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat.

7. I have 4 adopted siblings and I only communicate with 1. The other 3 stopped communicating with me.

8.I’m in love with Maxwell. The singer! He is so fine!!!!

9. Didn’t learn how to ride a bicycle till I was in my 30’s.

10. Was engaged 4 times!

Well that’s enough for now. I’ll share some more at another time!

 

 

 

Published in: on May 27, 2010 at 1:32 pm  Comments (2)  

Question

I was just thinking since I’ve written the letter should I share it with my therapist today?? Any thoughts???

Published in: on May 27, 2010 at 12:28 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Wonderful news!

coffeebest.jpg happy people image by bluuestarzz

I know my blog has been about cleansing my soul so it’s been really depressing. So today I choose to be happy!

Just wanted to share some good news! I have been released by my Oncologist!! This November I will be in remission for 5 years! Thank you Lord !

God bless

C

Published in: on May 26, 2010 at 1:16 pm  Comments (8)  
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The continuence of the letter

Sorry ! It’s taken me a while to come back and finish this letter. I have to again let you know how hard this is for me. I feel guilty. I know! I know! Your probably thinking I’m crazy but you see I have a very small limited number of people I can call family. Remember my “real  parents” abandoned me when I was 2. I have alway’s been loyal to them no-matter what. So now for me to go back and start expressing how I really felt all this time is strange and feels like I’m turning on them. I’m not sure if you could really understand what I mean when I say this.

So now the guilt has set in. All I have said is true so why do I feel this way? I’m not sure. That is something I’m going to have to discuss with my therapist. If anyone has some input please feel free to comment.

So I have to finish it right? I mean I have finally got myself to open up so now I have to let all of it out. The good the bad and the ugly. There is no turning back. I have to go forward with my healing even if it means that I feel guilty about it.  To hold onto it wouldn’t help me. I mean look what it has done to me so far. So now it’s time to complete this chapter.

 

So Mom let’s get back to you kicking me out. We all know it was your idea. You’re the one who makes the decisions in the relationship. I don’t know exactly what you & Dad were thinking of when you conned me into coming back home . Of course there was a stipulation to it. You only allowed me to come home if I promised to go to Hope House( a drug rehabilitation place). The same place that you made M(sister) go to. Don’t you know she was crying out for help for a long time and you never got her the correct help. So lets put her in a drug rehab. Then you tried to talk me into going to one. That night when I agreed I came home and you wouldn’t even hug me or let me sleep in my own room. You told me I couldn’t go upstairs and I had to sleep on the couch. How could you? You both made me feel like I was so dirty & some kind of criminal. Well that night while you were asleep I decided that I  couldn’t go through with it. Why did I have to go to a drug rehab. I wasn’t on drugs. Did you really think that going there would make me listen better at home or did you just not want the responsibility of having me home. God forbid I make a mistake. I mean really did you ever do anything wrong when you were growing up? We are supposed to learn from our mistakes right? Not me I learned you make one and you are punished. Do you want to know what else I learned don’t make any mistakes. Just like when I was in foster homes. Just in a different way. It wasn’t any better. Oh I hated you then. I hated the fact that most of the time I felt like a robot. Push the button and she will do everything you tell her to do. I couldn’t take it anymore. So I left.

You know what I learned a lot of valuable lessons when I was on my own. I was able to take care of myself. It was hard and I made mistakes along the way but by God I made it through. Do you remember the time when I was 16 and I asked you to take me to the clinic so I could get on birth control? Well you wouldn’t even talk to me about it and you told me that you didn’t condone premarital sex and that was that. No talking to me about protecting myself from any sexual diseases or pregnancy. Nothing. You walked right out of the room. Huh. Well look what happened I never did go to the clinic and I wound up getting pregnant. Oh believe me I love my Son to death and I would never chang that for anything but really? How did you help me then? You as a parent should have steped up to the plate and at least talked to me and gave me advice on how to have safe sex. What kind of parent does that? Really? I was so afraid to call you when I was on my own. I didn’t want the judgment. Almost 2 years went by. Those 2 years were so hard. The boy I was living with decided to cheat on me. I had no were to go. I knew I couldn’t call you for help. I didn’t know what to do I was so heart-broken. I didn’t have any family to turn to and my boyfriend was cheated on me then broke up with me so I tried to commit suicide. Yes that’s right there was a good chance you wouldn’t even have a daughter right now if it worked but God was with me that night and the pills weren’t strong enough. I’m sure you’re in shock right now but I have to come clean. There is so much anger. Well you & Dad came back into my life after my apology for what I had done in the past and it took a long while for both of you to really trust me. Really that should have been the other way around. I couldn’t trust the fact that you both would abandon me again. That alway’s stayed with me. Even now as an adult. Oh there were good times and times when you & dad helped me  financially. I will forever be grateful for that. You have been good to your Grand children but some things that you say still hurt like a knife. When I called you to tell you what was going on with me and how I left home because of the fight that D(husband) & I had. There wasn’t any sympathy. You even asked If D(husband) ever hit me? Why did I leave him? How could I abandon my husband. Even after I told you that I was scared and that I had Post Tramatic Stress Disorder you still made me feel like I was in the wrong. I understand that D(husband) had never hit me but it didn’t help when he yelled or had confrontations with Jasmine. It triggered my symptoms. All you could say to me was how could you? You should be ashamed of yourself. You know what really hurt me the most when you agreed with how D(husband) spoke to J(daughter). You told me well when J was here she was acting like a BITCH so he was telling her the truth. That’s how she acts! I couldn’t believe you said that. I was crushed. How could YOU say that to me about my daughter YOUR grandchild. I will never forget that EVER. The conversation we had then was what really sent me over the edge. I went down hill after that. Went into a black hole. I couldn’t get out. I felt like I failed at everything and I had no control over my life anymore. I felt like I didn’t even exist. Empty!!!! All the pain it hurt so much I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t live feeling like that anymore. I just wanted to die. Really die. I felt like D, J & D would be better off without me. Do you hear me. I wanted to commit suicide!!. Oh just thinking of it now just brings tears to my eyes because I was so lost. What do you have to say about that? Do you know how much pain I have really suffered through? Really? From the time I was abandoned at the age of 2 till now. I’m still in pain. This letter is a part of my healing. Getting things out in the open. I had to write this to  you and not think of how you were going to feel about it because really that’s all I cared about all my life what you and Dad would think of me. Judgment! Abandonment! Punishment!  Well no more. I will no longer put myself in the position for you to hurt me again. I love you but I love me more. I’m my own person and I’m going to do my best to heal and live a new and  more happy life.  

 

So there is the rest of my letter. I never imagined that I had that much anger built up inside. But I guess I do. Please don’t get me wrong. I love my parents and I hope tohave a more loving relationship with them. I’m not sure of my Mom changing. She is in her 80’s. So instead of leaning on her when I’m down. I’m going to lean on people who love me no-matter ! I will continue to take my meds. Go to therapy and lean on my friends, my blog ,& I’m now proud to say my husband. He has really helped in the last month and he has come to realize how awful mental illness is. It took him a while but he finally understands.

Till next time….

 

God Bless

C

The Letter!

Okay so I’ve been procrastinating ! This is a hard assignment. I didn’t know how to start this or what I was going to say. Lately there has been so much anger built up in me. So I guess the only way to do it is to do it.

Mom,

This is one of the hardest things that I have ever done. My intention is not to hurt you. Don’t know why as you never have really thought before you spoke to me.  Words can really hurt. Did you know that? Maybe your Mom didn’t teach you that? Your blunt with your opinions however no one can be that way with you. God forbid we have our own opinions.

Lets see many many years ago when I was little you told me that grandma didn’t want you to adopt me because I was too dark. Well how do you think that made me feel? Where you suppose to get an award for doing so anyway? I mean every chance you got you were alway’s showing me off. Did it make you feel like a better person because you adopted children? An adopted person doesn’t alway’s want to be reminded that they are an adopted child. They want to be known as just a child. A child who is loved no matter how you got them or had them. Oh how it would make my skin crawl every time you made me sit on your lap like I was your prized possession.

I was alway’s made to feel like somehow someway I had to pay you back for adopting me. Where was the love? I didn’t feel it. Dad showed me love but I didn’t feel it from you. I mean all the abuse I encountered in the 8 years before you adopted me. How could you not be concerned at all about me?You knew what happened.

Why weren’t you sensitive to my needs? I was to yours. I bent over backwards to make sure I did everything right. I took care of you when you were sick. I cooked, cleaned and did everything you asked. What about what I wanted or needed. You never asked. It was alway’s about you. I worked really hard from the time I was around ten till you kicked me out. The chores were horrible. They all had to be done before I did my homework. Well a lot of times I wasn’t done till late at night with the chores so by the time I had no energy for homework. Yes I know my school work was bad. I know I got bad grades but you never helped me . I really think I had ADHD . I couldn’t concentrate at all. I even got left back twice and you still didn’t help me. What about when we moved us to an all white neighborhood? Boy that really made sense. I was so alienated in my school & neighborhood. I was made fun of all the time. You worked all the time. So it wasn’t your concern. I had to be the perfect child and when I wasn’t you alway’s threw it in my face. Do you want to be like M(sister)? Your going to turn out just like her. I was never allowed to make any  mistakes. So it was like living on egg shells my whole life. Why didn’t you & Dad get me help after the molestation? Why did you ignore it? Really how could you? I can’t even imagine what I would have done if that was my daughter who was molested. I sure wouldn’t have thrown it under the rug. To me it felt like the person who did it to me got away with it . He wasn’t punished and now he has children. I bet he did it to his children. Did you even think about that?  Every day I’m reminded of it one way or another. You never asked me how I felt about it at all. It was like it never happened. Oh and the incest. Hmmmm yes M(sister) was having sex with her brother your son. You probably didn’t know it because you were to pre occupied in your own world.

So lets talk about when I got thrown out. Hmmm. I went out and fell asleep at my friends grandmothers house. When I got home my cloths were outside and the locks were changed. Why??? Why would you throw your own daughter out in the street. The only child you had left that wanted anything to do with you? You didn’t even ask me why I didn’t come home or what happened . I mean what was it that made you that angry to throw me out? What? I was 17 years old and I had no one else in my life who could help me. No other family! No one. I still till this day can’t understand that at all. Oh that’s right. I didn’t follow the rules! I was sooo hurt. I felt soooo alone.

I didn’t talk to you for 2 years after that.

There is so much more I have to say! Till next time………

 

C

Published in: on May 20, 2010 at 4:25 pm  Comments (7)  
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Do my kids know how much I love them?

The other day I asked my daughter this question. Before I asked her I told her that I was going to ask her a serious question and to please think about it before she answered. You should have seen the look on her face after I asked her. Like are you losing your mind. LOL Her response to it was yes! I don’t know what I would have done if she said no but I was so relieved. I asked my son the same question a while ago and he said the  same thing yes.

So I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m bringing this up ? Well at my last therapy session I mentioned to my therapist that my Mom sent me flowers for Mothers day. She asked me how I felt about it and I said I really felt nothing. I mean really nothing!!! Not “oh how nice” or “how thoughtful “or anything. She said well at least your being honest . She then asked me If I ever felt loved by my Mom and I immediately started crying. That question made me really think and I said no. Wow after all these years I have never felt love by my Mom. She alway’s gave good gifts and she showed me off like her prized possession.”Look at my adopted Daughter”. She would have me sit on her lap when we were at other peoples houses. Showing me off like I was an animal. That’s what it felt like you know. You know when people show off their pigs at a show. OMG I can’t even believe I’m writing this. But to really feel loved NO. How sad is that? That’s not to say she didn’t love me she just didn’t show me or she just had her own way of showing me.

So it made me think do my kids know how much they are loved? I’m proud to say yes and I will forever show them with as much hugs & kisses possible & of course be there for them no matter what. Thank you GOD.

My next post will be an assignment that my therapist gave me. It’s going to be a tough one. A letter to my mom!

Till next time…..

 

C

Published in: on May 18, 2010 at 1:46 pm  Comments (6)  
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Continuance of my life story.

Yes there is more but before I get to that I have a couple of people who I really need to thank . One is my friend B. I never knew that this person would mean so much to me. We met at work and we connected right away. She made me laugh every day and when I transferred to another agency we promised each other that we would get together once a month. So we haven’t broke our promise. We talk almost everyday and get together and we have a blast. My friend is having a very hard time in her personal life but she makes sure to check on me everyday to see if I’m okay. She came to see me in the hospital while I was their. I don’t know how my life would be if I never met her. She has brought so much joy to my heart. Thanks girl ! I love you. I am truly blessed to have the kind of friends that I do.

 To the people in the blog community. I have found some wonderful people who inspire me 3 of which I have to acknowledge. Trisha, Jimmy & Svasti. God bless you for taking the time to support me & inspire me.

 

Okay so back to my story. My sister & I where abused in all our foster homes so once we got adopted we just knew it wouldn’t happen again . Well it did. About a year of settling in our new home my parents decided  to take in a foster child. My sister & I thought this person was going to be around our age but he wasn’t. He was 17 years old. My parents made a bedroom out of the basement for him and that’s where he spent most of his time. We were told to never go down there. When my parents weren’t home we did. My grandmother would be in her room and we would sneak down there because he had a radio down there and we would listen to music. We thought he was sooo cool. He gave us a lot of attention. Then I’m not sure exactly when but he would start touching us. He would go after my sister and then me. We would try to fight him off but he was too strong. Every time my parents found us down in the basement we would get punished. It usually ment we were grounded. So that went on for about a year. One day my parents weren’t home and we all were upstairs. J (our foster brother) was trying to get inside of me and couldn’t because I was too small so he started chasing my sister around the dining room table she was running from him and she tripped and smacked her toe into one of the legs on the table. Well her toe got broken. When my parents got home they were mad. They asked what happened and we said we were goofing off and of course we got grounded again. My sister & I went to our bedroom and cried and we told each other we had to tell my parents. We were scared but we were tired of getting in trouble all the time. That’s what we felt. Not the fact that we were being molested but getting grounded. I even remember getting mad because I was jealous of all the attention my sister got. How sick is that. I had really no clue the impact that this would have in my life. I was a little girl lost and all I wanted was attention whether it was bad or good attention I wanted it.

So we told our parents what was really going on. All I remember is that my father threw him out of the house and it wasn’t talked about again. They didn’t send us to counseling or to the doctors to see if we had anything wrong with us. NOTHING at all. My sister & I got left back that year from school. We had to repeat the 3rd & 4th grade! As far as my parents were concerned everything was alright! How could they not help us. We showed signs.  How could they not hug us and tell us everything was going to be alright. Just NOTHING! As I write this it makes me soooo angry. How he & my parents took a piece of me and threw it in the garbage.  I was alway’s afraid of touching my kids the wrong way. Was I hugging them to hard? My baby girl wanted to sleep in the bed with me  I alway’s made sure I slept on top of the cover or sheet . I made sure her skin never touched mine. I was sooooo paranoid that I would do the same to my kids. Oh those years were really hard for me. Even breastfeeding. I couldn’t do it I just couldn’t. I could go on and on. I know I have to let it go. I will in time.

Till next time….

 

God Bless

C

Published in: on May 17, 2010 at 9:08 pm  Comments (5)  
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The next day!

When I woke up the next day I was really scared. I didn’t know how to feel or what to expect. I felt all alone. I was introduced to the rest of the people in my dorm and shown around. There were a lot of women and couple of men which surprised me. I thought that they had the men stay in a separate dorm.  I met with the team of doctors. Medical doctor, Nurse Practitioner, LCSW . I was given a schedule that I had to stick to and my medication was changed. The doctor said that the medication I was on was very mild so they increased that and she put me on additional medication. There was group therapy and private therapy sessions. Group therapy was a little hard for me but once I got used to it I was able to participate. The food wasn’t bad and we had visiting hours. God I couldn’t wait for that time. My husband visited me every chance he got. Poor thing was so worried about me. I cried the first time he left after visiting hours. I didn’t realize till that moment how much I loved that man. He didn’t let me down. He hugged me so tight. I could see the hurt in his eyes but he didn’t say anything because he knew it would make me even more upset. For the first time in 21 years this man was telling me how much he loved me and wasn’t afraid to show it. All this time I thought he wouldn’t understand, he wouldn’t care, he wouldn’t really get what it was I was going through but he did. What a shock for me. Why did have to come to this to make him open his eyes? I don’t know. But I was so glad! Thank you God!

So I was in for 7 day’s. I learned a lot , I met some wonderful people and I feel like I can live again. It’s going to be hard and it’s going to take a lot of work but I think I can do it!

 

 

God Bless

C

Published in: on May 17, 2010 at 1:23 pm  Comments (5)  
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It’s been a while Part 2

Well as I was saying before I had a plan. As I look back I have been planning this for a couple of weeks. I was so scared. FEAR is a horrible thing. It took over my entire life. So it was either go on an admit that I needed help or just commit suicide. For me suicide would have been the easiest thing to do. I didn’t have to face my problems anymore. I didn’t have to play that role. You know the role of everything is alright. I struggled with this back & forth in my mind. Do I ? Don’t I? I was actually planning it in my mind. Night time was the worst for me. That’s when my mind would just spiral out of control. I couldn’t sleep . It really was making me so angry! Why did life haf to be so hard.  I know life isn’t supposed to be easy but damn can I get a break already. My life has been a struggle since the day I was born. I just couldn’t understand why I had continued to live like this. I didn’t want to anymore. I was scared to live in my skin. I wanted to crawl out of it. That’s were I was at in my mind. So I said to myself you have to tell the truth at therapy. So off I went to my appointment. Most of that day was a fog for me. I can’t even remember what I said to her all I know is she was on the phone getting me admitted to the hospital. Then she had me call D . God that was the hardest thing. Telling him to meet me at the therapist. He was very angry. When he got there I talked to him first in the car. He had no clue. Like I said before he thought everything was okay. So after everything was laid out. He just looked at me and asked why I hadn’t told him. I told him I was afraid of what he would think or say. After our meeting I was to go home and pack a bag and then go to the hospital.

The ride to the hospital was very long and I was crying. My husband just started telling me things that he had never told me before. How much he loved me and how I’m his best friend. Some of that ride I can’t even remember . All I know is I cried most of it. I felt so alone. He told me he would be there for me no matter what but I still felt alone.

ALONE what a horrible place to be. As I write this I’m crying because that’s the truth.

As we entered the parking lot I told him I was scared. I’ve never been without my family. He gave me a big hug. He said don’t worry  just do what you have to do to get better.

The admission process was long almost 2 hours. I finally got to my room at midnight. What an exhausting day.They gave me a private room which is a good thing because I cried myself to sleep.  The next day was a new beginning for me. The start of healing. It wasn’t easy and I had to face my demons. FEAR, ABANDONMENT, JUDGMENT, MOLESTATION, SECRETS .

Sorry for taking so long to fill you in. There is so much more to tell. Till next time…..

 

God Bless

C

Published in: on May 14, 2010 at 11:34 am  Comments (1)  
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