Am I 44 or not!

That’s what I ask myself  every time my mom treats me like a child. This time it was about going down to visit my dad. I had issues that I had to deal with because my mom wanted me to stay with her and  didn’t want to because of my asthma. You see the last time I went down my asthma got so bad I was sick for over a month. Well my mom made arrangements for me to sleep down stairs so I did wind up staying with her.

Well I had a lot of anxiety over it. My mom needs me in her own little selfish way and I don’t want to disappoint her so I gave in. Yeah I know I have to get over that because I’m 44 years old now and I’m not a little kid. I should be able to make my own decisions right? Well my mom sometimes forgets that I’m an adult & so do I. I did speak up to her finally and told her how she was making me feel but in the long run she wound up getting her way anyway. That is how it usually is. I am however proud that I spoke up for myself. I have never in the 38 years that she has been my mother. NEVER. When I made the decision to do so I wanted to vomit. That day was long for me! I couldn’t call her till the evening and the closer I got to the time the more sicker I felt. I asked my husband if he could just sit next to me when I talked to her and he did. So I did it. Do I feel any different? Well yes in a way. Was it a victory? NO! She still got her way. If my dad knew he would be very upset.  I’m sure he knows in a way he has lived with her for 40 years! I don’t know how he has done it. I don’t know how anyone could live with such a person.

I’m sure there is some part of her that is good. i see it every now & then but in the back of my mind I still have that fear! Fear of Judgment & abandonment. Also fear that if I don’t do what she says then she wont allow me to see my dad. So I just go through the motions . You know kind of like being fake . I swore that after my last hospital stay that I wouldn’t do that anymore but now I kind of feel like I have no choice. Its hard. I’m trying really hard. Even though my mom is a tough person to deal with i still love her. She is the only mom I have .

My daughter tells me she doesn’t understand why I allow her to treat me that way. She will never understand neither will my husband. They never been in my place. They have never been abandoned. they will never know that feeling. It’s not  a good one! So I deal as best as I can and hang onto every moment that I have left with my dad. Our time with him is so precious!

God Bless

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Published in: on November 15, 2010 at 9:07 pm  Comments (2)  
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Back to the continuence of my life story

It’s been a while since I’ve been on. I know I’m supposed to write more. Purge more of what I have been holding on to but there is soooo much. I’ll have to right for the rest of my life. It makes me feel depressed a little. I mean I know there are many people worse off than me. Oh if you only heard the stories that I did while I was in the hospital. So that’s supposed to make me feel better right? Well in a way not really. I still have the hurt inside that’s been there for so long. Grrrr if I think about it too long it pisses me off. I did allow some of that hurt in my adult years. I have to acknowledge that and I still do allow it now.  Oh I will have to ge to that on another day.

So back to my past. Well after the abuse from my foster brother my parents kicked him out. They didn’t talk about it anymore. It was like it never happened. Well to them not to us. We suffered in silence. Although I didn’t really know it then. I know it now. I pretty much blocked it out for a very long time. That’s how I dealt with it. As the years went on my parents adopted 3 more children. Oh they had a lot of baggage too. I don’t know what my parents were thinking of adopting 3 other siblings who were teenagers. Well the boys were 17 years old twins and the girl was 15. There mother died of cancer and their real father was very abusive and couldn’t take care of them. We had a packed house. Plus my grandmother lived there too. Everyone had their own chores. It wasn’t so bad then I mean there were 5 children so the chores were split evenly. My parents decided to by a house on Long Island and move us out of the city. So we moved to a great big house. There were more chores and a lot of  fighting between my sister & our other adopted sister. They fought over who got the most attention from the boy’s in the neighborhood. I was the child who Mom alway’s showed off like I was a prized big. I never gave them a problem. I was the good child. Whatever they say do I did. I kissed butt all the time because  I was alway’s afraid of doing wrong. It made me so angry that my 2 sisters never thought before they acted. They did what they wanted and got in trouble all the time. They didn’t care. My Mom would get into arguments with them all the time. It alway’s wound up my mother getting ill either her fainting or whatever. I really thought she was such a drama queen. She would cry to my dad and then he would handle it after that. My sisters would fight all the time and then they would tease me like crazy. My brothers graduated high school and both got married really young. I think they were 18 or 19. Let me give you an example of  how sick our family was. My real sister would go babysit for my brother’s wife. He married this girl who already had a 2-year-old. Anyway she would go over there house to babysit. One day I was there and I caught my brother & real sister having sex. Yes you read it right. SEX. Incest!!!! Yep that’s right. My parents had no clue. I don’t know how long it went on for but a little while after that my sister was sent to a drug rehab facility. I don’t even think she was doing drugs. My parents just didn’t know how to control her. They never got her help. HELLO she was abused most her life. So I was traumatized again. They took my sister away from me. The only real family I had. She was gone. Everyone else was gone. I was the only one left. Left to do everything. All the chores. I felt like a slave. I had to make sure all my chores were done & dinner made on some nights before I could even sit down to do my homework. By that time I was so exhausted I didn’t have it in me to concentrate. I did so poorly in school. I hated it. I didn’t fit in. My BFF from elementary was taken away from me when we moved then my sister and then my BFF from high school moved away I had no one that I could confide in. I was a lonely teenager. Oh I worked hard out of school and I didn’t have a problem with boyfriends and I was very sexually active but I was still lonely.  I would try to talk with my Mom she wouldn’t listen or judged me all the time. Yeah and then there was the your going to become no good just like your sister. Is that what you want to become. It was thrown in my face all the time. Oh how I hated it. Well the big house was too big to take care of. My grandmother died of a stroke. Oh I forgot to tell you I wound up being her favorite. We were very close. So we moved again. We moved into a condo. I had job , went to school and tried to spend as much time with my boyfriend as I could. My parents were strict. When  I turned 17 they allowed me to go out more and I had a later curfew. Well one day my friends boyfriend called me upset about a fight he had with her. So he asked if I could come over. I was clueless then. My boyfriend had just broke up with me because he didn’t have a job and couldn’t afford to take me out. So I asked my parents if I could go out they told me yes. I had to be home by 11:30. So he picked me up and we went out to a pool hall and then he took me to his Grandmothers house to watch a movie. Well before I knew it I fell asleep. My friend let me sleep and went to bed. I woke up around 6 am and I panicked. I had my friend take me home. When I got there my parents had my clothes out on the stoop. I knocked on the door and ask why I wasn’t allowed in they wouldn’t open the door. They didn’t want to hear what I had to say. I did not sleep with my friend. I fell asleep on the couch!!!!!!!. GRRRRRRR They didn’t believe me. They kicked me out and changed the locks on the door. This was the second time I broke curfew. The second time. I mean really are we not allowed to make mistakes. I just think they had it with my 2 other sisters that they just wasn’t going to let me get away with anything. I was sooooo angry. I was kicked out of the only home I really had for breaking curfew. I had no were to go. If it wasn’t for my friend bringing me to his grandmothers I would have been out in the street. Homeless. And the story goes on and on…………..

 

c

Published in: on June 16, 2010 at 3:36 pm  Comments (4)  
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Just a thought!

So yesterday I was at the grocery store again and I ran into a friend of mine. I’ve known her for a long time. She is alway’s so happy and cheery. Anyway she hadn’t seen me for a while and started complimenting me on how good I looked. She asked me how I was doing? Well all of you know how I feel about that question. So I told her that I was doing okay but it has been a rough year for me. For some reason I got the feeling that she really didn’t want to hear what I had to say but I started telling her anyway. I didn’t tell her a lot but just that my anxiety level was really bad and I wound up in the hospital so on and so forth. Then I tell her that I’ve been writing a blog and it has helped me a lot. She asked me what a blog was and I told her then she was like oh I couldn’t even be bothered. Who has time for that. Then she tells me she never thinks about the past. She is like life is too short. It has alway’s been all about me. Girl that is the way you should be. All about you. Okay I know she ment well and I have alway’s loved her personality but for me it was hard to hear. I was kind of hurt. I didn’t think she believed that I had that bad of a past to have to have a problem. I don’t know why I must have people validate my feelings but I then say well let me give you a small piece of what I have been through. So I proceed to tell her my mom abandoned me in an abandoned apartment building when I was 2 and my life has never been easy from then on. She then still said oh I don’t have time to think of the past. Blah Blah  Blah Blah Blah. Still with that jolly attitude. Okay so I was done saying anymore. She didn’t get it. Like really get where I was coming from. I’m not sure why I had to keep trying to get her to understand. It doesn’t really matter what she thinks or anyone else but I still need that validation. I think for me it was her validating why I was in the hospital and that it was okay and that I had good reason for falling apart. I don’t know if I’m making any sense but that is how I felt and when it was all over I felt deflated. Oh why do I do this to myself?? Why????Grrrrrrrrr!

Published in: on June 10, 2010 at 11:05 am  Comments (6)  
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The continuence of the letter

Sorry ! It’s taken me a while to come back and finish this letter. I have to again let you know how hard this is for me. I feel guilty. I know! I know! Your probably thinking I’m crazy but you see I have a very small limited number of people I can call family. Remember my “real  parents” abandoned me when I was 2. I have alway’s been loyal to them no-matter what. So now for me to go back and start expressing how I really felt all this time is strange and feels like I’m turning on them. I’m not sure if you could really understand what I mean when I say this.

So now the guilt has set in. All I have said is true so why do I feel this way? I’m not sure. That is something I’m going to have to discuss with my therapist. If anyone has some input please feel free to comment.

So I have to finish it right? I mean I have finally got myself to open up so now I have to let all of it out. The good the bad and the ugly. There is no turning back. I have to go forward with my healing even if it means that I feel guilty about it.  To hold onto it wouldn’t help me. I mean look what it has done to me so far. So now it’s time to complete this chapter.

 

So Mom let’s get back to you kicking me out. We all know it was your idea. You’re the one who makes the decisions in the relationship. I don’t know exactly what you & Dad were thinking of when you conned me into coming back home . Of course there was a stipulation to it. You only allowed me to come home if I promised to go to Hope House( a drug rehabilitation place). The same place that you made M(sister) go to. Don’t you know she was crying out for help for a long time and you never got her the correct help. So lets put her in a drug rehab. Then you tried to talk me into going to one. That night when I agreed I came home and you wouldn’t even hug me or let me sleep in my own room. You told me I couldn’t go upstairs and I had to sleep on the couch. How could you? You both made me feel like I was so dirty & some kind of criminal. Well that night while you were asleep I decided that I  couldn’t go through with it. Why did I have to go to a drug rehab. I wasn’t on drugs. Did you really think that going there would make me listen better at home or did you just not want the responsibility of having me home. God forbid I make a mistake. I mean really did you ever do anything wrong when you were growing up? We are supposed to learn from our mistakes right? Not me I learned you make one and you are punished. Do you want to know what else I learned don’t make any mistakes. Just like when I was in foster homes. Just in a different way. It wasn’t any better. Oh I hated you then. I hated the fact that most of the time I felt like a robot. Push the button and she will do everything you tell her to do. I couldn’t take it anymore. So I left.

You know what I learned a lot of valuable lessons when I was on my own. I was able to take care of myself. It was hard and I made mistakes along the way but by God I made it through. Do you remember the time when I was 16 and I asked you to take me to the clinic so I could get on birth control? Well you wouldn’t even talk to me about it and you told me that you didn’t condone premarital sex and that was that. No talking to me about protecting myself from any sexual diseases or pregnancy. Nothing. You walked right out of the room. Huh. Well look what happened I never did go to the clinic and I wound up getting pregnant. Oh believe me I love my Son to death and I would never chang that for anything but really? How did you help me then? You as a parent should have steped up to the plate and at least talked to me and gave me advice on how to have safe sex. What kind of parent does that? Really? I was so afraid to call you when I was on my own. I didn’t want the judgment. Almost 2 years went by. Those 2 years were so hard. The boy I was living with decided to cheat on me. I had no were to go. I knew I couldn’t call you for help. I didn’t know what to do I was so heart-broken. I didn’t have any family to turn to and my boyfriend was cheated on me then broke up with me so I tried to commit suicide. Yes that’s right there was a good chance you wouldn’t even have a daughter right now if it worked but God was with me that night and the pills weren’t strong enough. I’m sure you’re in shock right now but I have to come clean. There is so much anger. Well you & Dad came back into my life after my apology for what I had done in the past and it took a long while for both of you to really trust me. Really that should have been the other way around. I couldn’t trust the fact that you both would abandon me again. That alway’s stayed with me. Even now as an adult. Oh there were good times and times when you & dad helped me  financially. I will forever be grateful for that. You have been good to your Grand children but some things that you say still hurt like a knife. When I called you to tell you what was going on with me and how I left home because of the fight that D(husband) & I had. There wasn’t any sympathy. You even asked If D(husband) ever hit me? Why did I leave him? How could I abandon my husband. Even after I told you that I was scared and that I had Post Tramatic Stress Disorder you still made me feel like I was in the wrong. I understand that D(husband) had never hit me but it didn’t help when he yelled or had confrontations with Jasmine. It triggered my symptoms. All you could say to me was how could you? You should be ashamed of yourself. You know what really hurt me the most when you agreed with how D(husband) spoke to J(daughter). You told me well when J was here she was acting like a BITCH so he was telling her the truth. That’s how she acts! I couldn’t believe you said that. I was crushed. How could YOU say that to me about my daughter YOUR grandchild. I will never forget that EVER. The conversation we had then was what really sent me over the edge. I went down hill after that. Went into a black hole. I couldn’t get out. I felt like I failed at everything and I had no control over my life anymore. I felt like I didn’t even exist. Empty!!!! All the pain it hurt so much I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t live feeling like that anymore. I just wanted to die. Really die. I felt like D, J & D would be better off without me. Do you hear me. I wanted to commit suicide!!. Oh just thinking of it now just brings tears to my eyes because I was so lost. What do you have to say about that? Do you know how much pain I have really suffered through? Really? From the time I was abandoned at the age of 2 till now. I’m still in pain. This letter is a part of my healing. Getting things out in the open. I had to write this to  you and not think of how you were going to feel about it because really that’s all I cared about all my life what you and Dad would think of me. Judgment! Abandonment! Punishment!  Well no more. I will no longer put myself in the position for you to hurt me again. I love you but I love me more. I’m my own person and I’m going to do my best to heal and live a new and  more happy life.  

 

So there is the rest of my letter. I never imagined that I had that much anger built up inside. But I guess I do. Please don’t get me wrong. I love my parents and I hope tohave a more loving relationship with them. I’m not sure of my Mom changing. She is in her 80’s. So instead of leaning on her when I’m down. I’m going to lean on people who love me no-matter ! I will continue to take my meds. Go to therapy and lean on my friends, my blog ,& I’m now proud to say my husband. He has really helped in the last month and he has come to realize how awful mental illness is. It took him a while but he finally understands.

Till next time….

 

God Bless

C

It’s been a while Part 2

Well as I was saying before I had a plan. As I look back I have been planning this for a couple of weeks. I was so scared. FEAR is a horrible thing. It took over my entire life. So it was either go on an admit that I needed help or just commit suicide. For me suicide would have been the easiest thing to do. I didn’t have to face my problems anymore. I didn’t have to play that role. You know the role of everything is alright. I struggled with this back & forth in my mind. Do I ? Don’t I? I was actually planning it in my mind. Night time was the worst for me. That’s when my mind would just spiral out of control. I couldn’t sleep . It really was making me so angry! Why did life haf to be so hard.  I know life isn’t supposed to be easy but damn can I get a break already. My life has been a struggle since the day I was born. I just couldn’t understand why I had continued to live like this. I didn’t want to anymore. I was scared to live in my skin. I wanted to crawl out of it. That’s were I was at in my mind. So I said to myself you have to tell the truth at therapy. So off I went to my appointment. Most of that day was a fog for me. I can’t even remember what I said to her all I know is she was on the phone getting me admitted to the hospital. Then she had me call D . God that was the hardest thing. Telling him to meet me at the therapist. He was very angry. When he got there I talked to him first in the car. He had no clue. Like I said before he thought everything was okay. So after everything was laid out. He just looked at me and asked why I hadn’t told him. I told him I was afraid of what he would think or say. After our meeting I was to go home and pack a bag and then go to the hospital.

The ride to the hospital was very long and I was crying. My husband just started telling me things that he had never told me before. How much he loved me and how I’m his best friend. Some of that ride I can’t even remember . All I know is I cried most of it. I felt so alone. He told me he would be there for me no matter what but I still felt alone.

ALONE what a horrible place to be. As I write this I’m crying because that’s the truth.

As we entered the parking lot I told him I was scared. I’ve never been without my family. He gave me a big hug. He said don’t worry  just do what you have to do to get better.

The admission process was long almost 2 hours. I finally got to my room at midnight. What an exhausting day.They gave me a private room which is a good thing because I cried myself to sleep.  The next day was a new beginning for me. The start of healing. It wasn’t easy and I had to face my demons. FEAR, ABANDONMENT, JUDGMENT, MOLESTATION, SECRETS .

Sorry for taking so long to fill you in. There is so much more to tell. Till next time…..

 

God Bless

C

Published in: on May 14, 2010 at 11:34 am  Comments (1)  
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The story goes on and on…..

First I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to comment , read, give advice or just give moral support. I so appreciate it. I do want to give a special shout out to my new friend Trisha. She has been the best!!! Thank you girl! This is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through and just to know that I have people who care and want to be there to help means the world to me!

So back to the story!

After being taken out of that horrible foster home my sister & I were put in another home. They tried I guess to put us in one that was more of an ethnic background like ours. They were hispanic. My sister & I were so excited however we didn’t know how they were going to treat us. Well it wasn’t good. The area where we lived wasn’t good. Our Foster Mother & Father were alcoholics and we barely saw them. We were mainly cared for by our foster-sister who I think was a teenager.  She abused us when ever she got a chance. I mean physically. This is the home which I could blame my Post Tramatic Stress disorder from. There were many instances that arguments & fight happened and then never turned out well. Someone would get hurt bad. Either stabbed , punched or whatever. When ever I thought there would be a fight I would immediately shut down. Just like I do now however when you’re a child it’s different though. There were many times that I had to do that. One year we were having a New Years party and my foster Father & Mother were drunk they got into an argument and someone pulled out a knife well My foster-mother got stabbed. She survived! But that is just an idea on how we lived. Our foster-sister warned my sister & I that if we told our case worker that we would be punished badly. So the next day our case worker came and got us. Took us to McDonald’s and she was asking us a lot of questions about what we did for the holiday and how our christmas was so I blurred out that we had a party and she said how nice. That was it. No mention of the fight or the stabbing. I made sure I didn’t so when our case worker brought us back to the house. She said to my foster-mother I heard you had a party and I could see the look on her face. I knew we were in deep shit! She talked some more to the case worker and then when our case worker left she asked both of us who told and neither one of us would say who so she took our pies away from us and made us kneel on the heating vents in the floor. You know what they look like the ones that look like vents but heat come out of them. We had to kneel on that for about 30 minutes. That’s why my knee’s are so bad now because that was a punishment that was given to us when we were bad or when we didn’t do something that they wanted us to do. If it wasn’t that we got hit, punched,  slapped our hair pulled or one favorite of my foster sister’s is beat us with a high heel shoe. She beat us with the heel part.

Oh but they made sure we looked beautiful whenever the case worker came by! They knew how to play the role and we were not to tell anyone about the abuse. So we put on a role too! My sister and I were also molested by our foster-father. My sister did have it worse than me. She was older! And the story goes on and on……

 

Till next time

 

God Bless

C

The baggage Part 2

I’m sure you’re wondering how I know about my other brothers & sisters well when I was pregnant with my daughter I decided that I needed to know who my Mother and Father were and if  I had anymore brothers & sisters. So my dad gave me the name of the hospital I was born in and I wrote them to asked for my medical history from when I was born. The hospital sent me micro film containing the info . I couldn’t believe they sent it to me. So off to the Library I went hoping to find out more about my other family. I found out that my biological Mom & Dad weren’t married however they had been together for over 7 years. It also stated that I was her 6th child she had given birth to and that 3 of my other sibling were with my Grandmother in Puerto Rico. So it looks like they couldn’t even take care of the other 3 children either .  Anyway that’s how I know!

So let’s get back to the story of adoption and how I got there.

Well as I already said when we were found CPS immediately put us in a foster home. The first couple I don’t remember or I blocked it out. Then there was the foster home where I was purposely burned. I will never forget that one. This was a family who were well off. They had a mentally challenged son. My sister and I were given one bedroom where there were 2 mattresses one on the right side of the room & the other on the left. When I say mattres ses I mean just a mattress nothing else. No dresser. Just a mattress. Not even sheets on them. They locked us up in the room and they didn’t even let us out to go to the bathroom. We had to go on ourselves. Yes you read that right on our selves. My sister and I lived in one room where we slept, ate  pissed & shit in . I don’t know how they could have lived with themselves. I remembered trying to get out of the room and their son would hold the door closed and when we would finally get it open their son would hit us and pull our hair till we got back inside. The father was alway’s out-of-town for work so the mother was the one who was supposed to take care of us. One day our foster-father was coming home early so our foster mom took us out of the room cleaned us up and gave us pretty new dresses to put on for the occasion. I remember my dress was yellow with these pretty little white polka dots on it. It was so pretty. We were all sitting at the dinning room table and we were being served dinner. First course soup. Our foster mom had poured everyone elses soup and mine was last she came over to pour it and instead of pouring it in the bowl she poured it on my chest. I don’t remember much after that but I do know we were taken out of that house and given to another family. I have a scar on my chest to remind me everyday what hell I went through. What a horrible , horrible family!!! The story goes on and on……..

 God Bless

C

Published in: on April 13, 2010 at 4:05 pm  Comments (2)  
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Another bad call.

Well I know I’m supposed to be writing part 2 however I just needed to share this with you. I haven’t spoken to my parents since that weekend. You know the weekend that I left home. So this past Friday was my Mom’s birthday. God how I didn’t want to speak to her. I am still angry with her . I know I should just let it go but I’m still hurt by it! Hell not just that but everything. Everything that happened over the years. So I knew I had to call and wish her a Happy Birthday. I’m the only one out of 5 children that they adopted that even communicate with them on a regular basis. I knew she would be hurt if I didn’t call but I procrastinated all day and then I feel asleep on the couch early that night so I didn’t call. So now I knew that she was probably upset with me so I waited & waited then I finally made the call. I immediately told her how sorry I was for not calling her. But you know I really wasn’t . I would never intentionally hurt someone like that . It’s just I just didn’t want to speak with her. I hate putting on the act. You know that act like everything is okay. I’ve done it for so long and I know as long as I want to have any kind of relationship with them I’ll have to keep doing that. I just hate it. Why do we have to do that. Doesn’t my feelings count anymore. They haven’t in the past. When will they! Ohhhh I’m just so tired of it. So I played the loving daughter role like I alway’s do just to get it over with and she was okay with it and then she handed the phone to my Dad so he could speak to me. So again I had to play the role and he asked me if I was okay and I told him I have some day’s when I feel like crap and some day’s when I’m okay. Honestly I have most day’s when I feel like crap. So then he told me welcome to the club. I was like no he didn’t just say that to me. He has never been in my club so how does he know! But of course I didn’t say that. I kept playing the role.

So till next time……..

 

God Bless

C

Published in: on April 12, 2010 at 3:38 pm  Comments (2)  
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The baggage Part 1

Well before I can get into more about the molestation in my adopted home I have to give you some information about why I was adopted. This is very personal & very emotional for me so I’m going to have to do this in 2 or 3 parts.

Part 1

Well this is what I have been told. My sister remembers more about that day than I do. The day I’m talking about is the day that our biological mother left us in an abandoned building. Yes she left us there never to return. She did however have the decency to call CPS and tell them that we were there our ages, birthday’s & names. My sister was 3 and I was 2. Were were put in a foster home right away. CPS made sure not to separate us. So at least we lived in hell together instead of apart. I don’t know how a mother can just abandon her kids like that. How could you live with yourself not knowing where they are or how they are doing. If they are safe or not. God I couldn’t do it. My daughter goes to the store and I have to call her on the cell phone to make sure she got there and then I make her call me when she leaves. If I don’t hear from her I start to panic and she is 16 years old. My son and I speak to each other a couple of times a week and if I don’t hear from him I start to panic. He is 23 and getting ready to graduate from college. I just can’t fathom that. How could she! Was she that desperate or cold-hearted? I don’t have the answers . I may never have them. All I know is I have a Biological Father, Mother and 4 other brothers and sisters a whole other family that I have not met. Do they ever think of us. Do they even know if we are alive and most importantly do they even care?

Would I even be suffering as much as I am and as much as I did if my life didn’t turn out that way. I am very bitter about it. Okay enough for today. More to come later. Till next time…..

God Bless

C

Published in: on April 11, 2010 at 2:49 pm  Comments (2)  
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