WHY WHY WHY

Why do I still allow my mom to control me? I just can’t take it !  The latest is that the last time I went down to visit my mom my allergies & asthma got so bad that I’ve been coughing ever since. It’s been over a month I finally went to the doctors and they had to give me a breathing treatment and steroids plus a new inhaler. So I called my mom to tell her that I wouldn’t be able to stay with her the next time i came down because of all the dog hair and plus there is only one bed so I have to sleep in the same bed with her when I’m there and she has to have the dog in the bed with her. Yeah I know she has issues. So I told her that I would be staying with my son and she stopped me once I said that and told me that the reason I go down there is not only to see my dad but to see her and keep her company. She said she is lonely and that it would really upset her if I came down and didn’t stay with her. Again its all about her as usual. I told her again I can’t because of the asthma and she said well wait till it gets better and then come down. It would really disappoint her if I came down now. Oh and then she tells me to not come down because the nursing home would think I was contagious because of all my coughing. They wouldn’t want me there.

Well here we go again now she is telling me when I can and when I can’t come down & who I can’t stay with wile I”m there. Really!!! Come on now is it me or am I losing my mind? She is telling me that when I come down that I am to stay with her not my son. Really how old am I ? Did she somehow in that crazy mind of hers think that I was still 6 years old and not 44?

There are so many other things that has gone on in the past few months that I can write a book!

Every time  I talk to my husband about it he gets so mad that he tells me please not to tell him anymore. He told me it makes him so angry because she is abusing me and there is nothing that he can do about it. We even got into an argument today! He hates that fact that I don’t speak up for myself and he say’s that I can’t really blame her. No one has told her or stood up to her and tell her she is wrong. Blah Blah Blah

I can understand to some extent why he feels that way but I still need some moral support through this!

I made up my mind that today is the day! I’m going to tell her that I’m coming down even if she doesn’t like it. I’m going to tell that I’m not doing it to disappoint her but because I want to see my father and that I will from now on stay with DeShaun because my asthma isn’t going away and everytime I stay with her it will make it worse. I can’t afford to take time off of work because I’m sick. If she can’t understand where I’m coming from then so be it. I know there will be ramifications for it. That’s what I’m afraid of. Not knowing what it will be but I have to stay strong no matter what. If she doesn’t allow  me to see him then  so be it. I will go down and tell him what has been going on and I will also tell him that my mom might not let me see him and then she will have to deal with it.

I am all she has so hopefully she will understand what I have to tell her!

I’m so sick to my stomach so I just have to get it over with tonight!!! I will let y’all know how it went.

God Bless

So now she is

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Published in: on November 4, 2010 at 8:39 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Back to the continuence of my life story

It’s been a while since I’ve been on. I know I’m supposed to write more. Purge more of what I have been holding on to but there is soooo much. I’ll have to right for the rest of my life. It makes me feel depressed a little. I mean I know there are many people worse off than me. Oh if you only heard the stories that I did while I was in the hospital. So that’s supposed to make me feel better right? Well in a way not really. I still have the hurt inside that’s been there for so long. Grrrr if I think about it too long it pisses me off. I did allow some of that hurt in my adult years. I have to acknowledge that and I still do allow it now.  Oh I will have to ge to that on another day.

So back to my past. Well after the abuse from my foster brother my parents kicked him out. They didn’t talk about it anymore. It was like it never happened. Well to them not to us. We suffered in silence. Although I didn’t really know it then. I know it now. I pretty much blocked it out for a very long time. That’s how I dealt with it. As the years went on my parents adopted 3 more children. Oh they had a lot of baggage too. I don’t know what my parents were thinking of adopting 3 other siblings who were teenagers. Well the boys were 17 years old twins and the girl was 15. There mother died of cancer and their real father was very abusive and couldn’t take care of them. We had a packed house. Plus my grandmother lived there too. Everyone had their own chores. It wasn’t so bad then I mean there were 5 children so the chores were split evenly. My parents decided to by a house on Long Island and move us out of the city. So we moved to a great big house. There were more chores and a lot of  fighting between my sister & our other adopted sister. They fought over who got the most attention from the boy’s in the neighborhood. I was the child who Mom alway’s showed off like I was a prized big. I never gave them a problem. I was the good child. Whatever they say do I did. I kissed butt all the time because  I was alway’s afraid of doing wrong. It made me so angry that my 2 sisters never thought before they acted. They did what they wanted and got in trouble all the time. They didn’t care. My Mom would get into arguments with them all the time. It alway’s wound up my mother getting ill either her fainting or whatever. I really thought she was such a drama queen. She would cry to my dad and then he would handle it after that. My sisters would fight all the time and then they would tease me like crazy. My brothers graduated high school and both got married really young. I think they were 18 or 19. Let me give you an example of  how sick our family was. My real sister would go babysit for my brother’s wife. He married this girl who already had a 2-year-old. Anyway she would go over there house to babysit. One day I was there and I caught my brother & real sister having sex. Yes you read it right. SEX. Incest!!!! Yep that’s right. My parents had no clue. I don’t know how long it went on for but a little while after that my sister was sent to a drug rehab facility. I don’t even think she was doing drugs. My parents just didn’t know how to control her. They never got her help. HELLO she was abused most her life. So I was traumatized again. They took my sister away from me. The only real family I had. She was gone. Everyone else was gone. I was the only one left. Left to do everything. All the chores. I felt like a slave. I had to make sure all my chores were done & dinner made on some nights before I could even sit down to do my homework. By that time I was so exhausted I didn’t have it in me to concentrate. I did so poorly in school. I hated it. I didn’t fit in. My BFF from elementary was taken away from me when we moved then my sister and then my BFF from high school moved away I had no one that I could confide in. I was a lonely teenager. Oh I worked hard out of school and I didn’t have a problem with boyfriends and I was very sexually active but I was still lonely.  I would try to talk with my Mom she wouldn’t listen or judged me all the time. Yeah and then there was the your going to become no good just like your sister. Is that what you want to become. It was thrown in my face all the time. Oh how I hated it. Well the big house was too big to take care of. My grandmother died of a stroke. Oh I forgot to tell you I wound up being her favorite. We were very close. So we moved again. We moved into a condo. I had job , went to school and tried to spend as much time with my boyfriend as I could. My parents were strict. When  I turned 17 they allowed me to go out more and I had a later curfew. Well one day my friends boyfriend called me upset about a fight he had with her. So he asked if I could come over. I was clueless then. My boyfriend had just broke up with me because he didn’t have a job and couldn’t afford to take me out. So I asked my parents if I could go out they told me yes. I had to be home by 11:30. So he picked me up and we went out to a pool hall and then he took me to his Grandmothers house to watch a movie. Well before I knew it I fell asleep. My friend let me sleep and went to bed. I woke up around 6 am and I panicked. I had my friend take me home. When I got there my parents had my clothes out on the stoop. I knocked on the door and ask why I wasn’t allowed in they wouldn’t open the door. They didn’t want to hear what I had to say. I did not sleep with my friend. I fell asleep on the couch!!!!!!!. GRRRRRRR They didn’t believe me. They kicked me out and changed the locks on the door. This was the second time I broke curfew. The second time. I mean really are we not allowed to make mistakes. I just think they had it with my 2 other sisters that they just wasn’t going to let me get away with anything. I was sooooo angry. I was kicked out of the only home I really had for breaking curfew. I had no were to go. If it wasn’t for my friend bringing me to his grandmothers I would have been out in the street. Homeless. And the story goes on and on…………..

 

c

Published in: on June 16, 2010 at 3:36 pm  Comments (4)  
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Another rant!!

So my evening with the girls was great! I had such a fabulous time. So why am I mad. Well let see who pissed me off yep my husband. When I got home he was asleep on the couch. When he woke up I asked him if he ate. Mind you it was around 11:00 pm. He said he had eaten a little of the salad that I made for him so I felt bad for him and grilled him a couple of hot dogs. It wasn’t anything special but hello it was late! So anyway I was ready for bed. I made the mistake of not taking my night meds till I got home. It usually takes 30-45 minutes for them to kick in. So I laid there wide awake but tired. My husband proceeds to tell me that I had promised him sex. Mmmmm don’t remember that. So I told him no. This man asks me everyday and if he doesn’t ask me he is laid up on me telling me in other way’s that he wants it. I swear sometimes I feel like he is a dog in heat. So then he starts wining about how much his back and neck hurts instead of asking me for a massage he whines. That right there just infuriates me. So I get up and rub his back for 10 minutes and then I stop. He then say’s oh so your done. I say yes!! By now its like after 12 I just want to roll over and go to sleep. Inside  I’m boiling mad but I bite my tongue and not say anything. Oh it gets better. I roll over and try to go to sleep so what does he do he starts spooning me . Okay I don’t know if you girls know what I mean when I say I felt like I was suffocating. Seriously! I couldn’t move with out him pushing himself on me. Grrrrr. This went on for at least 30-45 minutes . My anxiety was so bad it just kept getting worse. I needed space and he was suffocating me. I was ready to just let him have it (what I mean by that is tell him off) when he finally released his grip of me turned over and went to sleep. I’m telling you if he hadn’t done that at that moment I was going to really lose it. I mean really! This has been a matter of discussion with him & I for a long time. Before I went into the hospital I left him for 4 day’s and because I just felt like all I was to him was his servant. Make him dinner, give him a massages, give him sex, trim his hair, work full-time, cook, clean the house, help him with side jobs, and if that wasn’t enough help him with the outside work around the house oh and lets not forget take care of the teenager. He always would bitch to me whenever I wouldn’t help him with the yard work. He would say the yard looks like shit because no one helps me with it. Oh I don’t do enough already. I’m only one person. Shit!! Plus I hate bees & I have severe allergies. Hello I had sinus cancer!!!!!I’m telling you I have just had about enough already. My anxiety is getting bad again!!!

I think he also seems to forget all the abuse I have had in my life. When you have been sexually abused it takes a lot for you to have an enjoyable sex life and for me if you keep pushing me to do it I resist it even more.

I was my parents servant. I did everything for them and a lot of time it wasn’t enough. It just seems like I can’t get a break. God I thought this last time he understood why I was so mentally exhausted. It’s been a little over a month an it feels like were back to square 1. God help me!

Published in: on June 4, 2010 at 1:01 pm  Comments (10)  
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The continuence of the letter

Sorry ! It’s taken me a while to come back and finish this letter. I have to again let you know how hard this is for me. I feel guilty. I know! I know! Your probably thinking I’m crazy but you see I have a very small limited number of people I can call family. Remember my “real  parents” abandoned me when I was 2. I have alway’s been loyal to them no-matter what. So now for me to go back and start expressing how I really felt all this time is strange and feels like I’m turning on them. I’m not sure if you could really understand what I mean when I say this.

So now the guilt has set in. All I have said is true so why do I feel this way? I’m not sure. That is something I’m going to have to discuss with my therapist. If anyone has some input please feel free to comment.

So I have to finish it right? I mean I have finally got myself to open up so now I have to let all of it out. The good the bad and the ugly. There is no turning back. I have to go forward with my healing even if it means that I feel guilty about it.  To hold onto it wouldn’t help me. I mean look what it has done to me so far. So now it’s time to complete this chapter.

 

So Mom let’s get back to you kicking me out. We all know it was your idea. You’re the one who makes the decisions in the relationship. I don’t know exactly what you & Dad were thinking of when you conned me into coming back home . Of course there was a stipulation to it. You only allowed me to come home if I promised to go to Hope House( a drug rehabilitation place). The same place that you made M(sister) go to. Don’t you know she was crying out for help for a long time and you never got her the correct help. So lets put her in a drug rehab. Then you tried to talk me into going to one. That night when I agreed I came home and you wouldn’t even hug me or let me sleep in my own room. You told me I couldn’t go upstairs and I had to sleep on the couch. How could you? You both made me feel like I was so dirty & some kind of criminal. Well that night while you were asleep I decided that I  couldn’t go through with it. Why did I have to go to a drug rehab. I wasn’t on drugs. Did you really think that going there would make me listen better at home or did you just not want the responsibility of having me home. God forbid I make a mistake. I mean really did you ever do anything wrong when you were growing up? We are supposed to learn from our mistakes right? Not me I learned you make one and you are punished. Do you want to know what else I learned don’t make any mistakes. Just like when I was in foster homes. Just in a different way. It wasn’t any better. Oh I hated you then. I hated the fact that most of the time I felt like a robot. Push the button and she will do everything you tell her to do. I couldn’t take it anymore. So I left.

You know what I learned a lot of valuable lessons when I was on my own. I was able to take care of myself. It was hard and I made mistakes along the way but by God I made it through. Do you remember the time when I was 16 and I asked you to take me to the clinic so I could get on birth control? Well you wouldn’t even talk to me about it and you told me that you didn’t condone premarital sex and that was that. No talking to me about protecting myself from any sexual diseases or pregnancy. Nothing. You walked right out of the room. Huh. Well look what happened I never did go to the clinic and I wound up getting pregnant. Oh believe me I love my Son to death and I would never chang that for anything but really? How did you help me then? You as a parent should have steped up to the plate and at least talked to me and gave me advice on how to have safe sex. What kind of parent does that? Really? I was so afraid to call you when I was on my own. I didn’t want the judgment. Almost 2 years went by. Those 2 years were so hard. The boy I was living with decided to cheat on me. I had no were to go. I knew I couldn’t call you for help. I didn’t know what to do I was so heart-broken. I didn’t have any family to turn to and my boyfriend was cheated on me then broke up with me so I tried to commit suicide. Yes that’s right there was a good chance you wouldn’t even have a daughter right now if it worked but God was with me that night and the pills weren’t strong enough. I’m sure you’re in shock right now but I have to come clean. There is so much anger. Well you & Dad came back into my life after my apology for what I had done in the past and it took a long while for both of you to really trust me. Really that should have been the other way around. I couldn’t trust the fact that you both would abandon me again. That alway’s stayed with me. Even now as an adult. Oh there were good times and times when you & dad helped me  financially. I will forever be grateful for that. You have been good to your Grand children but some things that you say still hurt like a knife. When I called you to tell you what was going on with me and how I left home because of the fight that D(husband) & I had. There wasn’t any sympathy. You even asked If D(husband) ever hit me? Why did I leave him? How could I abandon my husband. Even after I told you that I was scared and that I had Post Tramatic Stress Disorder you still made me feel like I was in the wrong. I understand that D(husband) had never hit me but it didn’t help when he yelled or had confrontations with Jasmine. It triggered my symptoms. All you could say to me was how could you? You should be ashamed of yourself. You know what really hurt me the most when you agreed with how D(husband) spoke to J(daughter). You told me well when J was here she was acting like a BITCH so he was telling her the truth. That’s how she acts! I couldn’t believe you said that. I was crushed. How could YOU say that to me about my daughter YOUR grandchild. I will never forget that EVER. The conversation we had then was what really sent me over the edge. I went down hill after that. Went into a black hole. I couldn’t get out. I felt like I failed at everything and I had no control over my life anymore. I felt like I didn’t even exist. Empty!!!! All the pain it hurt so much I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t live feeling like that anymore. I just wanted to die. Really die. I felt like D, J & D would be better off without me. Do you hear me. I wanted to commit suicide!!. Oh just thinking of it now just brings tears to my eyes because I was so lost. What do you have to say about that? Do you know how much pain I have really suffered through? Really? From the time I was abandoned at the age of 2 till now. I’m still in pain. This letter is a part of my healing. Getting things out in the open. I had to write this to  you and not think of how you were going to feel about it because really that’s all I cared about all my life what you and Dad would think of me. Judgment! Abandonment! Punishment!  Well no more. I will no longer put myself in the position for you to hurt me again. I love you but I love me more. I’m my own person and I’m going to do my best to heal and live a new and  more happy life.  

 

So there is the rest of my letter. I never imagined that I had that much anger built up inside. But I guess I do. Please don’t get me wrong. I love my parents and I hope tohave a more loving relationship with them. I’m not sure of my Mom changing. She is in her 80’s. So instead of leaning on her when I’m down. I’m going to lean on people who love me no-matter ! I will continue to take my meds. Go to therapy and lean on my friends, my blog ,& I’m now proud to say my husband. He has really helped in the last month and he has come to realize how awful mental illness is. It took him a while but he finally understands.

Till next time….

 

God Bless

C

The Letter!

Okay so I’ve been procrastinating ! This is a hard assignment. I didn’t know how to start this or what I was going to say. Lately there has been so much anger built up in me. So I guess the only way to do it is to do it.

Mom,

This is one of the hardest things that I have ever done. My intention is not to hurt you. Don’t know why as you never have really thought before you spoke to me.  Words can really hurt. Did you know that? Maybe your Mom didn’t teach you that? Your blunt with your opinions however no one can be that way with you. God forbid we have our own opinions.

Lets see many many years ago when I was little you told me that grandma didn’t want you to adopt me because I was too dark. Well how do you think that made me feel? Where you suppose to get an award for doing so anyway? I mean every chance you got you were alway’s showing me off. Did it make you feel like a better person because you adopted children? An adopted person doesn’t alway’s want to be reminded that they are an adopted child. They want to be known as just a child. A child who is loved no matter how you got them or had them. Oh how it would make my skin crawl every time you made me sit on your lap like I was your prized possession.

I was alway’s made to feel like somehow someway I had to pay you back for adopting me. Where was the love? I didn’t feel it. Dad showed me love but I didn’t feel it from you. I mean all the abuse I encountered in the 8 years before you adopted me. How could you not be concerned at all about me?You knew what happened.

Why weren’t you sensitive to my needs? I was to yours. I bent over backwards to make sure I did everything right. I took care of you when you were sick. I cooked, cleaned and did everything you asked. What about what I wanted or needed. You never asked. It was alway’s about you. I worked really hard from the time I was around ten till you kicked me out. The chores were horrible. They all had to be done before I did my homework. Well a lot of times I wasn’t done till late at night with the chores so by the time I had no energy for homework. Yes I know my school work was bad. I know I got bad grades but you never helped me . I really think I had ADHD . I couldn’t concentrate at all. I even got left back twice and you still didn’t help me. What about when we moved us to an all white neighborhood? Boy that really made sense. I was so alienated in my school & neighborhood. I was made fun of all the time. You worked all the time. So it wasn’t your concern. I had to be the perfect child and when I wasn’t you alway’s threw it in my face. Do you want to be like M(sister)? Your going to turn out just like her. I was never allowed to make any  mistakes. So it was like living on egg shells my whole life. Why didn’t you & Dad get me help after the molestation? Why did you ignore it? Really how could you? I can’t even imagine what I would have done if that was my daughter who was molested. I sure wouldn’t have thrown it under the rug. To me it felt like the person who did it to me got away with it . He wasn’t punished and now he has children. I bet he did it to his children. Did you even think about that?  Every day I’m reminded of it one way or another. You never asked me how I felt about it at all. It was like it never happened. Oh and the incest. Hmmmm yes M(sister) was having sex with her brother your son. You probably didn’t know it because you were to pre occupied in your own world.

So lets talk about when I got thrown out. Hmmm. I went out and fell asleep at my friends grandmothers house. When I got home my cloths were outside and the locks were changed. Why??? Why would you throw your own daughter out in the street. The only child you had left that wanted anything to do with you? You didn’t even ask me why I didn’t come home or what happened . I mean what was it that made you that angry to throw me out? What? I was 17 years old and I had no one else in my life who could help me. No other family! No one. I still till this day can’t understand that at all. Oh that’s right. I didn’t follow the rules! I was sooo hurt. I felt soooo alone.

I didn’t talk to you for 2 years after that.

There is so much more I have to say! Till next time………

 

C

Published in: on May 20, 2010 at 4:25 pm  Comments (7)  
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Continuance of my life story.

Yes there is more but before I get to that I have a couple of people who I really need to thank . One is my friend B. I never knew that this person would mean so much to me. We met at work and we connected right away. She made me laugh every day and when I transferred to another agency we promised each other that we would get together once a month. So we haven’t broke our promise. We talk almost everyday and get together and we have a blast. My friend is having a very hard time in her personal life but she makes sure to check on me everyday to see if I’m okay. She came to see me in the hospital while I was their. I don’t know how my life would be if I never met her. She has brought so much joy to my heart. Thanks girl ! I love you. I am truly blessed to have the kind of friends that I do.

 To the people in the blog community. I have found some wonderful people who inspire me 3 of which I have to acknowledge. Trisha, Jimmy & Svasti. God bless you for taking the time to support me & inspire me.

 

Okay so back to my story. My sister & I where abused in all our foster homes so once we got adopted we just knew it wouldn’t happen again . Well it did. About a year of settling in our new home my parents decided  to take in a foster child. My sister & I thought this person was going to be around our age but he wasn’t. He was 17 years old. My parents made a bedroom out of the basement for him and that’s where he spent most of his time. We were told to never go down there. When my parents weren’t home we did. My grandmother would be in her room and we would sneak down there because he had a radio down there and we would listen to music. We thought he was sooo cool. He gave us a lot of attention. Then I’m not sure exactly when but he would start touching us. He would go after my sister and then me. We would try to fight him off but he was too strong. Every time my parents found us down in the basement we would get punished. It usually ment we were grounded. So that went on for about a year. One day my parents weren’t home and we all were upstairs. J (our foster brother) was trying to get inside of me and couldn’t because I was too small so he started chasing my sister around the dining room table she was running from him and she tripped and smacked her toe into one of the legs on the table. Well her toe got broken. When my parents got home they were mad. They asked what happened and we said we were goofing off and of course we got grounded again. My sister & I went to our bedroom and cried and we told each other we had to tell my parents. We were scared but we were tired of getting in trouble all the time. That’s what we felt. Not the fact that we were being molested but getting grounded. I even remember getting mad because I was jealous of all the attention my sister got. How sick is that. I had really no clue the impact that this would have in my life. I was a little girl lost and all I wanted was attention whether it was bad or good attention I wanted it.

So we told our parents what was really going on. All I remember is that my father threw him out of the house and it wasn’t talked about again. They didn’t send us to counseling or to the doctors to see if we had anything wrong with us. NOTHING at all. My sister & I got left back that year from school. We had to repeat the 3rd & 4th grade! As far as my parents were concerned everything was alright! How could they not help us. We showed signs.  How could they not hug us and tell us everything was going to be alright. Just NOTHING! As I write this it makes me soooo angry. How he & my parents took a piece of me and threw it in the garbage.  I was alway’s afraid of touching my kids the wrong way. Was I hugging them to hard? My baby girl wanted to sleep in the bed with me  I alway’s made sure I slept on top of the cover or sheet . I made sure her skin never touched mine. I was sooooo paranoid that I would do the same to my kids. Oh those years were really hard for me. Even breastfeeding. I couldn’t do it I just couldn’t. I could go on and on. I know I have to let it go. I will in time.

Till next time….

 

God Bless

C

Published in: on May 17, 2010 at 9:08 pm  Comments (5)  
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The story goes on and on…..

First I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to comment , read, give advice or just give moral support. I so appreciate it. I do want to give a special shout out to my new friend Trisha. She has been the best!!! Thank you girl! This is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through and just to know that I have people who care and want to be there to help means the world to me!

So back to the story!

After being taken out of that horrible foster home my sister & I were put in another home. They tried I guess to put us in one that was more of an ethnic background like ours. They were hispanic. My sister & I were so excited however we didn’t know how they were going to treat us. Well it wasn’t good. The area where we lived wasn’t good. Our Foster Mother & Father were alcoholics and we barely saw them. We were mainly cared for by our foster-sister who I think was a teenager.  She abused us when ever she got a chance. I mean physically. This is the home which I could blame my Post Tramatic Stress disorder from. There were many instances that arguments & fight happened and then never turned out well. Someone would get hurt bad. Either stabbed , punched or whatever. When ever I thought there would be a fight I would immediately shut down. Just like I do now however when you’re a child it’s different though. There were many times that I had to do that. One year we were having a New Years party and my foster Father & Mother were drunk they got into an argument and someone pulled out a knife well My foster-mother got stabbed. She survived! But that is just an idea on how we lived. Our foster-sister warned my sister & I that if we told our case worker that we would be punished badly. So the next day our case worker came and got us. Took us to McDonald’s and she was asking us a lot of questions about what we did for the holiday and how our christmas was so I blurred out that we had a party and she said how nice. That was it. No mention of the fight or the stabbing. I made sure I didn’t so when our case worker brought us back to the house. She said to my foster-mother I heard you had a party and I could see the look on her face. I knew we were in deep shit! She talked some more to the case worker and then when our case worker left she asked both of us who told and neither one of us would say who so she took our pies away from us and made us kneel on the heating vents in the floor. You know what they look like the ones that look like vents but heat come out of them. We had to kneel on that for about 30 minutes. That’s why my knee’s are so bad now because that was a punishment that was given to us when we were bad or when we didn’t do something that they wanted us to do. If it wasn’t that we got hit, punched,  slapped our hair pulled or one favorite of my foster sister’s is beat us with a high heel shoe. She beat us with the heel part.

Oh but they made sure we looked beautiful whenever the case worker came by! They knew how to play the role and we were not to tell anyone about the abuse. So we put on a role too! My sister and I were also molested by our foster-father. My sister did have it worse than me. She was older! And the story goes on and on……

 

Till next time

 

God Bless

C

The baggage Part 2

I’m sure you’re wondering how I know about my other brothers & sisters well when I was pregnant with my daughter I decided that I needed to know who my Mother and Father were and if  I had anymore brothers & sisters. So my dad gave me the name of the hospital I was born in and I wrote them to asked for my medical history from when I was born. The hospital sent me micro film containing the info . I couldn’t believe they sent it to me. So off to the Library I went hoping to find out more about my other family. I found out that my biological Mom & Dad weren’t married however they had been together for over 7 years. It also stated that I was her 6th child she had given birth to and that 3 of my other sibling were with my Grandmother in Puerto Rico. So it looks like they couldn’t even take care of the other 3 children either .  Anyway that’s how I know!

So let’s get back to the story of adoption and how I got there.

Well as I already said when we were found CPS immediately put us in a foster home. The first couple I don’t remember or I blocked it out. Then there was the foster home where I was purposely burned. I will never forget that one. This was a family who were well off. They had a mentally challenged son. My sister and I were given one bedroom where there were 2 mattresses one on the right side of the room & the other on the left. When I say mattres ses I mean just a mattress nothing else. No dresser. Just a mattress. Not even sheets on them. They locked us up in the room and they didn’t even let us out to go to the bathroom. We had to go on ourselves. Yes you read that right on our selves. My sister and I lived in one room where we slept, ate  pissed & shit in . I don’t know how they could have lived with themselves. I remembered trying to get out of the room and their son would hold the door closed and when we would finally get it open their son would hit us and pull our hair till we got back inside. The father was alway’s out-of-town for work so the mother was the one who was supposed to take care of us. One day our foster-father was coming home early so our foster mom took us out of the room cleaned us up and gave us pretty new dresses to put on for the occasion. I remember my dress was yellow with these pretty little white polka dots on it. It was so pretty. We were all sitting at the dinning room table and we were being served dinner. First course soup. Our foster mom had poured everyone elses soup and mine was last she came over to pour it and instead of pouring it in the bowl she poured it on my chest. I don’t remember much after that but I do know we were taken out of that house and given to another family. I have a scar on my chest to remind me everyday what hell I went through. What a horrible , horrible family!!! The story goes on and on……..

 God Bless

C

Published in: on April 13, 2010 at 4:05 pm  Comments (2)  
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Another bad call.

Well I know I’m supposed to be writing part 2 however I just needed to share this with you. I haven’t spoken to my parents since that weekend. You know the weekend that I left home. So this past Friday was my Mom’s birthday. God how I didn’t want to speak to her. I am still angry with her . I know I should just let it go but I’m still hurt by it! Hell not just that but everything. Everything that happened over the years. So I knew I had to call and wish her a Happy Birthday. I’m the only one out of 5 children that they adopted that even communicate with them on a regular basis. I knew she would be hurt if I didn’t call but I procrastinated all day and then I feel asleep on the couch early that night so I didn’t call. So now I knew that she was probably upset with me so I waited & waited then I finally made the call. I immediately told her how sorry I was for not calling her. But you know I really wasn’t . I would never intentionally hurt someone like that . It’s just I just didn’t want to speak with her. I hate putting on the act. You know that act like everything is okay. I’ve done it for so long and I know as long as I want to have any kind of relationship with them I’ll have to keep doing that. I just hate it. Why do we have to do that. Doesn’t my feelings count anymore. They haven’t in the past. When will they! Ohhhh I’m just so tired of it. So I played the loving daughter role like I alway’s do just to get it over with and she was okay with it and then she handed the phone to my Dad so he could speak to me. So again I had to play the role and he asked me if I was okay and I told him I have some day’s when I feel like crap and some day’s when I’m okay. Honestly I have most day’s when I feel like crap. So then he told me welcome to the club. I was like no he didn’t just say that to me. He has never been in my club so how does he know! But of course I didn’t say that. I kept playing the role.

So till next time……..

 

God Bless

C

Published in: on April 12, 2010 at 3:38 pm  Comments (2)  
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The dreaded call!

So now to the phone call. I must admit I was a nervous wreck. I knew I had to call but I also knew the ramifications. My parents love my husband and think he is the best thing in the world. So I pretty much new that they probably were going to take his side. I still had hope deep down that they might support me in what ever decision I make . So I called. I was hoping that my father picked up first because he isn’t so critical and thank god it was him. I explained to him what had happened in the last couple of day’s and then tried to explain to him what I’m going through in my head. I thought he would understand because you see he is a Licensed Mental Social Worker. So he listened and gave me some advice. He wasn’t critical and it seemed like he understood what I was telling him. Yeah right was I wrong! My Mom was with a client at the time so she couldn’t talk to me. My Dad said that they would call me in the morning. So my girlfriend and I went to the Pharmacy to pick up my prescription and when we got back there was a message from my father to call the office well my heart just dropped I knew it he had told my Mom and now she has something to say to me and I knew it isn’t going to be good because you see my Mom is very critical and she also runs the show if you know what I mean. So I dread calling back but I do and my Mom picks up the phone mind you I am sick to my stomach ready to throw up again and she tells me that Dad had told he everything that I said and then she started interrogating me. Really I’m serious.

First it was Well has he ever hit you and I said no but tried to explain to her that he doesn’t have to it can be a certain look, the way he speaks to me I have fear and is worse because of my PTSD so then she say’s well he hasn’t hit you in the 20 years you have been together what makes you think he will now so I knew where that conversation was going.

Then it was I can’t believe you and J ( my daughter) ganged up on him and left him all alone. You abandoned him. No matter how I tried to explain to her what I was going through she just couldn’t or didn’t want to  understand. My husband & I have other issues in or relationship besides that and she asked me what those were and when I told her she dismissed them and went back to Well you know when J was here a couple of months ago she was acting like a b—-. So what he called her that. It probably was the truth. I couldn’t believe that was coming out of her mouth. Then she starts telling me that if your father knew that you purposely ganged up on D(my husband) and abandoned him he would be very upset with you know. Well I just shut down again and really didn’t listen to what else she had to say. I just said yes, yup okay and got off the phone as quick as I could. No support what so ever. Not a surprise. It still hurt anyway. I have never had any emotional support by her ever!!! As I type this it just eats me up inside to know that all my life even when I was growing up and got molested in their home by my foster brother they never got us help never!!!! You see I was adopted by them when I was 8. They adopted my sister and I . My sister was 9. We lived in foster homes for many years. All were bad. So when they adopted us we had a lot of baggage. Emotional baggage. They never got us help. They never talked to us about it. It was just never spoken about. Then they took in a foster child. Well he was 17 and the story goes on and on. So till next time………


God Bless

C

Published in: on April 10, 2010 at 4:02 pm  Comments (3)  
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