Marriage

Ok so lets rewind back to October 2010. 7 months after I got out of the hospital. Things were going well and then things started going back to the way things were. He promised they wouldn’t but they did. There were little signs here and their. Then they just got worse and worse. I started feeling scared again. Scared of a confrontation. It just was bad. There were moments when he embarrassed me at work and the last straw was when one of my BFF’s came over to my house. She tried starting up a conversation with him and he pretty much was rude to her and then ignored her. My friend didn’t know what to do so she left. I kept apologizing to her and she said to me you don’t have to apologize for his behavior but I felt I needed to. I was so embarrassed. So after she left I was so angry. I asked him what was his problem was. For me to question him is a no no! So he sat up straight with the attitude and look of how dare you question my behavior. He said he didn’t have a problem and I said then why did you treat (I’ll call her A for now) like that. He said he didn’t do anything wrong and I tried explaining his behavior to him and he got angrier to the point  where my daughter started to panic. she was pacing back and forth. Then he blew! He told me to get A on the phone and I was like no he said you better call her now and I again said no he then said you better or else. I was shaking so bad I felt like I was going to vomit. So I grabbed the phone and called her. He said you ask her if I was rude to her then he grabbed the phone and asked her himself. She got scared and got off the phone quick. She didn’t even answer the question. He was so made he threw the phone down. Well then I blew. I told him I couldn’t believe he made me call her so on and so forth and he just got madder and madder to the point where he started blaming me for his behavior. I just shut right down. That’s what happens to me when my PTSD flares up. I couldn’t hear him all I could feel was my heart pounding, my legs feel like jello and my stomach in my throat. I was shaking so bad I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I felt my body just give in to my PTSD symptoms. I had no control. I lost it. I ran to the bathroom and was dry heaving and then went to my bedroom and laid down. I just was rocking back and forth in my bed . Shaking ,crying. It was awful! then I heard my door open and it was my daughter checking on me. She was so upset. She was crying and then she said to me you have to leave him mom. I don’t want you back in the hospital. so that was the beginning of the end of my marriage.

C

Published in: on September 26, 2012 at 2:31 pm  Comments (3)  

Not a good couple of days!

So it’s been a rough couple of day’s. I took yesterday off work hoping I would feel better today but unfortunately I don’t. I really need a good cry but I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop. I’m not in a good place. I have this co-worker “friend” who keeps sending me these long drawn out self help articles. Today she sent me like 4 of them. I don’t mean to sound ungreatfull but I can barley get through my work. I can’t even concentrate. I know she means well but she sends me these articles almost everyday. ” just read these articles and you will be all better” I’ts just not that simple. People with depression have a very hard time focusing. I can’t even sit down and read a book. Just writing this post is hard. Keeping depression under control is not a simple task. Believe me when I say I wish it was but it’s not. I felt this last bout of depression coming on about 2 weeks ago and it has progressed since then. 3 of my friends understand and the rest have no idea how to handle me. It’s a lonley cycle. Then there is that dreaded question everyone asks when they see you “How are you” and of course I say alright. I wish I could just scream do you really want to know? I feel like shit!!!!! So thats how I feel today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

 

 

C

Published in: on September 25, 2012 at 4:47 pm  Comments (2)  

2 posts in 1 day wow!

Never thought it would be this easy to get back in the swing. So here goes!
So I’m not sure if I mentioned this but I have OCD. I have never really been diagnosed but I’m pretty sure I have been all my life. I have an obsessive personality. Everyday when I get to work I look out my window to see if my ex-boyfriends car is there. I find myself doing that more and more. I know I should move on but I’m still in love with him.I met or should I say started dating JR July 17,2011. I’ve known him for many years though work. Over 20 years! One day I saw him in the parking lot and he was walking towards this brand new Chevy Camaro. I said to JR thats not your car is it and he said yes and then i was like get out really. So thats how it started! Before I knew it we started dating and I feel madly in love with him in a couple of months. You see that is my problem when I fall in love I fall hard. I should of really picked up the signs but I was too in love to notice. He wanted our relationship to be hush hush. Where I wanted to scream it to the wolrd.” I’M IN LOVE” ! All I wanted at the time was to be with him every second of the day. We emailed,text,talked and saw eatch other almost everyday. That lasted for a couple of months then around the 4-5th month is when he started backing off. I’m lucky if I saw him 1-2 days a week and then came the excuses. Till finally he just stopped calling. It didn’t stop me from calling him or texting him. He did finally come over one night to tell me that he couldn’t commit to a relationship. That it wasn’t fair to me, that I deserved better. Blah Blah Blah. I was devestated and that’s when I said I love you I’ll accept any kind of relationship. Oh stupid me! What the hell was wrong with me. I did deserve better however I wanted to be with him so I held onto whatever I could. Anyway JR & I aren’t in a relationship anymore but what did I do the other week I slept with him Yup desperate me! As I type this it really disgust me to think I have become that person. A person who will do anything for attention for his attention.

OMG I didn’t fill you in on my marriage. I’ll have to update you on that in my next post.

C

Published in: on September 21, 2012 at 6:49 pm  Comments (1)  

Dirty Little Secrets

We all have them right? Some people have alot and some no so much. Well I’m one of those people with alot. There are times when I just want to scream them out to the world and there are times I am so ashamed that I’m so afraid of anyone finding them out. My fear is judgement & rejection. I have so many friends yet I still feel very alone. I’m so scared that I won’t even tell my therapist. I know what good is therapy if I can’t even be honest with her. Well as I continue to purge I hope that I will have the nerve to share my secrets. It’s getting harder and harder keeping them all bottled up imside!

C

Published in: on September 21, 2012 at 2:56 pm  Comments (3)  

I’m back!

I said I would be back! I have alot of purging to do. So many new things have changed in my life. Some good and some bad. I have to make sure to catch you up on things and get back to my life story. This is going to take a while. Right now I need to first say how I am feeling. To tell you the truth not so good! My anxiety is very high and I feel like I can’t stand being in my own skin. Some day’s more than others. I also feel very lonley. When I say this I mean alone in this world. Everybodys lives are going on and mine is at a standstill. Everyone tells me I need a hobby but when your mind and body can barley get through the day having another thing to do gives me more anxiety. Hopefully the more I purg the more enrgey I will have for other things. So that is it for now!

C

Published in: on September 20, 2012 at 1:51 pm  Comments (1)  

It’s been a very long time!!

Hello everyone! It’s been almost a year since my last blog. There is so much tell First I wanted to stop by and say hello. I’ll be back!

Published in: on September 20, 2012 at 11:38 am  Comments (6)