Dad in critical condition!

To my blog family I just wanted to inform you that my Dad had a severe brain hemorrhage last night. They had to do 2 surgeries on him this morning and he is in critical condition. I’m sooo sad. I’ll probably be leaving to go down to the Island very soon. I have to say even though I’ve had a rough life and upbringing my parents are all that I have and I still love them very much! Please keep my Dad in your prayers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Published in: on June 17, 2010 at 1:45 pm  Comments (4)  
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Back to the continuence of my life story

It’s been a while since I’ve been on. I know I’m supposed to write more. Purge more of what I have been holding on to but there is soooo much. I’ll have to right for the rest of my life. It makes me feel depressed a little. I mean I know there are many people worse off than me. Oh if you only heard the stories that I did while I was in the hospital. So that’s supposed to make me feel better right? Well in a way not really. I still have the hurt inside that’s been there for so long. Grrrr if I think about it too long it pisses me off. I did allow some of that hurt in my adult years. I have to acknowledge that and I still do allow it now.  Oh I will have to ge to that on another day.

So back to my past. Well after the abuse from my foster brother my parents kicked him out. They didn’t talk about it anymore. It was like it never happened. Well to them not to us. We suffered in silence. Although I didn’t really know it then. I know it now. I pretty much blocked it out for a very long time. That’s how I dealt with it. As the years went on my parents adopted 3 more children. Oh they had a lot of baggage too. I don’t know what my parents were thinking of adopting 3 other siblings who were teenagers. Well the boys were 17 years old twins and the girl was 15. There mother died of cancer and their real father was very abusive and couldn’t take care of them. We had a packed house. Plus my grandmother lived there too. Everyone had their own chores. It wasn’t so bad then I mean there were 5 children so the chores were split evenly. My parents decided to by a house on Long Island and move us out of the city. So we moved to a great big house. There were more chores and a lot of  fighting between my sister & our other adopted sister. They fought over who got the most attention from the boy’s in the neighborhood. I was the child who Mom alway’s showed off like I was a prized big. I never gave them a problem. I was the good child. Whatever they say do I did. I kissed butt all the time because  I was alway’s afraid of doing wrong. It made me so angry that my 2 sisters never thought before they acted. They did what they wanted and got in trouble all the time. They didn’t care. My Mom would get into arguments with them all the time. It alway’s wound up my mother getting ill either her fainting or whatever. I really thought she was such a drama queen. She would cry to my dad and then he would handle it after that. My sisters would fight all the time and then they would tease me like crazy. My brothers graduated high school and both got married really young. I think they were 18 or 19. Let me give you an example of  how sick our family was. My real sister would go babysit for my brother’s wife. He married this girl who already had a 2-year-old. Anyway she would go over there house to babysit. One day I was there and I caught my brother & real sister having sex. Yes you read it right. SEX. Incest!!!! Yep that’s right. My parents had no clue. I don’t know how long it went on for but a little while after that my sister was sent to a drug rehab facility. I don’t even think she was doing drugs. My parents just didn’t know how to control her. They never got her help. HELLO she was abused most her life. So I was traumatized again. They took my sister away from me. The only real family I had. She was gone. Everyone else was gone. I was the only one left. Left to do everything. All the chores. I felt like a slave. I had to make sure all my chores were done & dinner made on some nights before I could even sit down to do my homework. By that time I was so exhausted I didn’t have it in me to concentrate. I did so poorly in school. I hated it. I didn’t fit in. My BFF from elementary was taken away from me when we moved then my sister and then my BFF from high school moved away I had no one that I could confide in. I was a lonely teenager. Oh I worked hard out of school and I didn’t have a problem with boyfriends and I was very sexually active but I was still lonely.  I would try to talk with my Mom she wouldn’t listen or judged me all the time. Yeah and then there was the your going to become no good just like your sister. Is that what you want to become. It was thrown in my face all the time. Oh how I hated it. Well the big house was too big to take care of. My grandmother died of a stroke. Oh I forgot to tell you I wound up being her favorite. We were very close. So we moved again. We moved into a condo. I had job , went to school and tried to spend as much time with my boyfriend as I could. My parents were strict. When  I turned 17 they allowed me to go out more and I had a later curfew. Well one day my friends boyfriend called me upset about a fight he had with her. So he asked if I could come over. I was clueless then. My boyfriend had just broke up with me because he didn’t have a job and couldn’t afford to take me out. So I asked my parents if I could go out they told me yes. I had to be home by 11:30. So he picked me up and we went out to a pool hall and then he took me to his Grandmothers house to watch a movie. Well before I knew it I fell asleep. My friend let me sleep and went to bed. I woke up around 6 am and I panicked. I had my friend take me home. When I got there my parents had my clothes out on the stoop. I knocked on the door and ask why I wasn’t allowed in they wouldn’t open the door. They didn’t want to hear what I had to say. I did not sleep with my friend. I fell asleep on the couch!!!!!!!. GRRRRRRR They didn’t believe me. They kicked me out and changed the locks on the door. This was the second time I broke curfew. The second time. I mean really are we not allowed to make mistakes. I just think they had it with my 2 other sisters that they just wasn’t going to let me get away with anything. I was sooooo angry. I was kicked out of the only home I really had for breaking curfew. I had no were to go. If it wasn’t for my friend bringing me to his grandmothers I would have been out in the street. Homeless. And the story goes on and on…………..

 

c

Published in: on June 16, 2010 at 3:36 pm  Comments (4)  
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What a day! What a day!

I’m only going to say this once. If you are not comfortable reading about very personal sexual material then please stop right now and exit my blog. Today have to be completely honest with how I feel.

Well when I left work today to go to therapy I didn’t expect to rant about my husband but I did.I mentioned before that I felt like we were living in a plastic bubble when I got out the hospital. It felt like he really got it. Like he knew what to do to make me feel better. Well slowly but surely it seems like things are back to they way they used to be.

When I got to my appointment the first question my therapist asked was so what’s going on. So I proceeded to tell her how I felt and before I knew it I kind of had an ahhhh moment. I’ve mentioned before that I have alway’s had this fear of my husband. He has never hurt me physically but emotionally I know he has. I learned that today. I started complaining about my husband expecting me to do things for him sexually. Things that I am not comfortable doing. So when I got out the hospital he stopped doing that and then last week he started again. Little by little he would ask me to expose myself to him. First it would be my top. Then it would be my bottom half. This he would ask any time of the day. So know it’s back to being on an everyday basis like it was before. Ohhhh how I hate it but I do it to shut him up. He also asks me to expose myself when we are in the car coming from or to work. If I don’t do it then he gets pissed of and has an attitude for the rest of the day! He asks for sex everyday and if I don’t give it to him he reminds me everyday. It’s like I don’t have any control over my body. He has kept hounding me about anal sex. I don’t like it at all but this man has been hounding me and hounding me. I’ll come home from the store and he would be like well did you buy any condoms and I’ll say no. This will go on and on so yesterday before I went to the pharmacy to pick up my script he said can you pick me up a box of condoms so we can you know. GRrrrrrrrrr

So what did I do I bought them. Now I have to give it up one of these day’s because he has the condoms now.

I feel like my dignity is being taken away from me layer by layer. We have talked about this before and he’ll stop for a while but then it will be just like it was.

Well my therapist said that he is not respecting my body and that i need to take control of what I what to do with my body or not. I know I have to talk with him about it but I have done this before and it goes in one ear and out the other.

So how do I get that control back. Sometimes i feel that if I just leave it would be easier that confronting him about this or any other issue because of fear. Oh I just hate life sometimes. Why does it have to be so hard!

There is so much more I want to say but it will have to be in my next post . My Seriquil has kicked in!

 

Till next time.

I have to reclaim my life . Learn who I really am and love me. My anxiety is getting bad again so I’m going to have to face it.

Published in: on June 10, 2010 at 10:10 pm  Comments (14)  
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Just a thought!

So yesterday I was at the grocery store again and I ran into a friend of mine. I’ve known her for a long time. She is alway’s so happy and cheery. Anyway she hadn’t seen me for a while and started complimenting me on how good I looked. She asked me how I was doing? Well all of you know how I feel about that question. So I told her that I was doing okay but it has been a rough year for me. For some reason I got the feeling that she really didn’t want to hear what I had to say but I started telling her anyway. I didn’t tell her a lot but just that my anxiety level was really bad and I wound up in the hospital so on and so forth. Then I tell her that I’ve been writing a blog and it has helped me a lot. She asked me what a blog was and I told her then she was like oh I couldn’t even be bothered. Who has time for that. Then she tells me she never thinks about the past. She is like life is too short. It has alway’s been all about me. Girl that is the way you should be. All about you. Okay I know she ment well and I have alway’s loved her personality but for me it was hard to hear. I was kind of hurt. I didn’t think she believed that I had that bad of a past to have to have a problem. I don’t know why I must have people validate my feelings but I then say well let me give you a small piece of what I have been through. So I proceed to tell her my mom abandoned me in an abandoned apartment building when I was 2 and my life has never been easy from then on. She then still said oh I don’t have time to think of the past. Blah Blah  Blah Blah Blah. Still with that jolly attitude. Okay so I was done saying anymore. She didn’t get it. Like really get where I was coming from. I’m not sure why I had to keep trying to get her to understand. It doesn’t really matter what she thinks or anyone else but I still need that validation. I think for me it was her validating why I was in the hospital and that it was okay and that I had good reason for falling apart. I don’t know if I’m making any sense but that is how I felt and when it was all over I felt deflated. Oh why do I do this to myself?? Why????Grrrrrrrrr!

Published in: on June 10, 2010 at 11:05 am  Comments (6)  
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Do I still have it ????????

Okay this is just something I thought I would share with my blog readers. As some of you know I’m 40 something. Oh hell I’ll just tell you I’m 43 will be 44 in a couple of months.

So on with my story. My husband & I stopped at our grocery store during lunch yesterday so we could pick up something to eat. My husband stayed in the truck. I got out and proceeded to walk toward the store. I noticed about 3 to 4 men standing in front of the store and all of them were just staring at me. One only had nerve to ask how are you doing? So I responded back at him saying fine thank you.  As I walked past them I could feel them staring at me until I walked into the store.

Let me just say this happens to me all the time. Especially when I go into the ghetto  grocery stores. I don’t have anything against the ghetto. I live in it for many years. My husband alway’s reminds me how he got me out of the ghetto and say’s how he managed to get us a lavish palace. I just laugh at him.

 Anyway back to my story. It is usually older men who have nothing better to do than hang out in front of the grocery store and they don’t have a job. So I get done in the store and come out. The same men are still there hanging out. I proceed to walk past them again and they are all staring at me. The same man say’s have a nice day.  I say thank you. This is just an example of how old they were .

    

I don’t have anything against older men and this picture is a nice picture. I couldn’t find one of an older hoodlum. LOL

It is nice to be reminded of how beautiful you are but not by them. If they looked like this

then I wouldn’t have minded.

I hope all of you had a blessed day!

P.S. I know I haven’t written about my life story lately. I will be getting back to that soon. There is still so much to say!

C

Published in: on June 9, 2010 at 11:39 am  Comments (8)  
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A walk for the cause!

Hey everyone this weekend I walked in the Relay for Life event in my state. We raised over $70,000.00. It sure  was great to be able to participate in the event. We had a blast. I walked from Saturday 3:00 pm till Sunday morning 5:45 am.

We all were exhausted but grateful to be alive and walk!!! So here is a picture of the survivor lap. Can you guess who I am????????????

Published in: on June 7, 2010 at 1:33 pm  Comments (7)  
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Another rant!!

So my evening with the girls was great! I had such a fabulous time. So why am I mad. Well let see who pissed me off yep my husband. When I got home he was asleep on the couch. When he woke up I asked him if he ate. Mind you it was around 11:00 pm. He said he had eaten a little of the salad that I made for him so I felt bad for him and grilled him a couple of hot dogs. It wasn’t anything special but hello it was late! So anyway I was ready for bed. I made the mistake of not taking my night meds till I got home. It usually takes 30-45 minutes for them to kick in. So I laid there wide awake but tired. My husband proceeds to tell me that I had promised him sex. Mmmmm don’t remember that. So I told him no. This man asks me everyday and if he doesn’t ask me he is laid up on me telling me in other way’s that he wants it. I swear sometimes I feel like he is a dog in heat. So then he starts wining about how much his back and neck hurts instead of asking me for a massage he whines. That right there just infuriates me. So I get up and rub his back for 10 minutes and then I stop. He then say’s oh so your done. I say yes!! By now its like after 12 I just want to roll over and go to sleep. Inside  I’m boiling mad but I bite my tongue and not say anything. Oh it gets better. I roll over and try to go to sleep so what does he do he starts spooning me . Okay I don’t know if you girls know what I mean when I say I felt like I was suffocating. Seriously! I couldn’t move with out him pushing himself on me. Grrrrr. This went on for at least 30-45 minutes . My anxiety was so bad it just kept getting worse. I needed space and he was suffocating me. I was ready to just let him have it (what I mean by that is tell him off) when he finally released his grip of me turned over and went to sleep. I’m telling you if he hadn’t done that at that moment I was going to really lose it. I mean really! This has been a matter of discussion with him & I for a long time. Before I went into the hospital I left him for 4 day’s and because I just felt like all I was to him was his servant. Make him dinner, give him a massages, give him sex, trim his hair, work full-time, cook, clean the house, help him with side jobs, and if that wasn’t enough help him with the outside work around the house oh and lets not forget take care of the teenager. He always would bitch to me whenever I wouldn’t help him with the yard work. He would say the yard looks like shit because no one helps me with it. Oh I don’t do enough already. I’m only one person. Shit!! Plus I hate bees & I have severe allergies. Hello I had sinus cancer!!!!!I’m telling you I have just had about enough already. My anxiety is getting bad again!!!

I think he also seems to forget all the abuse I have had in my life. When you have been sexually abused it takes a lot for you to have an enjoyable sex life and for me if you keep pushing me to do it I resist it even more.

I was my parents servant. I did everything for them and a lot of time it wasn’t enough. It just seems like I can’t get a break. God I thought this last time he understood why I was so mentally exhausted. It’s been a little over a month an it feels like were back to square 1. God help me!

Published in: on June 4, 2010 at 1:01 pm  Comments (10)  
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Girls night out!

I’m so looking forward to seeing some of my friends tonight. The friendships that I have with all my girlfriends are so important to me. Tonight I get to see a group of friends that I made at my old job. Before I left I promised that we would get together once a month. So tonight is the night. We will be eating at Penera’s for dinner and seeing Sex and the City 2. We will also be celebrating a birthday and eating some of my delicious brownies!

 

So for now I will leave you with this trailer………

http://www.sexandthecitymovie.com/

Smooches!

Published in: on June 3, 2010 at 1:47 pm  Comments (6)  
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Living in a plastic bubble.

Okay so I’ve been living in a plastic bubble of happiness since I came out of the hospital. It was like my hubbie and & have been on a honeymoon.  Well the honeymoon is over :O(. We have gradually gone back somewhat to like the way it was. I’m pretty bummed out about it. My anxiety is creeping back in. I know I know it’s just the reality of life  but it sucks! There are some choices that I have to make soon and I’m not too happy about it. This next month is going to be hard. My parents want me to come down and visit. They usually pay for everything so it’s really hard to come up with an excuse to not go. They have no idea that I was even in the hospital. I can’t tell them do to unwanted negativity and judgment that I know I’ll get if I do tell them. Even after all is said and done they are the only family that I have and I do love them. They are in their 80’s and they don’t really have any contact with the rest of my siblings. I have alway’s been there. Some part of me wants to go see them and another part of me is scared. They made it very clear how disappointed they were in how Jasmine acted the last time she was there . So do I bring her with me or not? While I’m there I’ll be visiting my son and J would be very upset if I didn’t bring her with me. I love when I’m together with both my kids. We have a blast. We haven’t seen my son since around the holiday’s. I miss him so much and so does J. So do I suck it up and go with the hopes that J will be on her best behavior or what? It’s only once a year that I go. J is stressing me out too. I’ve told her for the past 6 months to look for a job so that she isn’t just sitting home and not doing anything all summer. It’s like pulling teeth. I mentioned it again yesterday and she started telling me that she just wants to get this school year over with. She said MOM I’m stressed out. “Stop telling me I have to look for a job”. I know I have to get one. Teenagers!Grrrrr. I mean the girl is a straight A student but she can’t even remember to feed the dog on an everyday basis. Lord help me.

Oh and there is my hubbie he is back to his annoying habits oh lets see asking for sex everyday and asking what’s for breakfast lunch & dinner everyday. I’m the only one that cooks! I wish he could just make a decision for once already.

Oh and there is the side job he is doing. Hmmmm guess who is working with him ME. I hate it. I know he is doing it for extra money. Believe me we need it but is it really worth it? He acted like an ass over the weekend and made me cry. Oh yes I ran up the stairs and went into the bathroom to let it all out. Yep I’m back to hiding my feelings again. I work full-time and then do what I have to do at home plus the side job and trying to take care of miss thing (the teenager).

So the stress is back! It’s not as bad as it was but it concerns me ! I don’t want to get back there . What I mean is get back to the place where everything was too much for me and I have to go back in the hospital. Any suggestions?

Sorry for ranting but I have to really get it out.