Am I 44 or not!

That’s what I ask myself  every time my mom treats me like a child. This time it was about going down to visit my dad. I had issues that I had to deal with because my mom wanted me to stay with her and  didn’t want to because of my asthma. You see the last time I went down my asthma got so bad I was sick for over a month. Well my mom made arrangements for me to sleep down stairs so I did wind up staying with her.

Well I had a lot of anxiety over it. My mom needs me in her own little selfish way and I don’t want to disappoint her so I gave in. Yeah I know I have to get over that because I’m 44 years old now and I’m not a little kid. I should be able to make my own decisions right? Well my mom sometimes forgets that I’m an adult & so do I. I did speak up to her finally and told her how she was making me feel but in the long run she wound up getting her way anyway. That is how it usually is. I am however proud that I spoke up for myself. I have never in the 38 years that she has been my mother. NEVER. When I made the decision to do so I wanted to vomit. That day was long for me! I couldn’t call her till the evening and the closer I got to the time the more sicker I felt. I asked my husband if he could just sit next to me when I talked to her and he did. So I did it. Do I feel any different? Well yes in a way. Was it a victory? NO! She still got her way. If my dad knew he would be very upset.  I’m sure he knows in a way he has lived with her for 40 years! I don’t know how he has done it. I don’t know how anyone could live with such a person.

I’m sure there is some part of her that is good. i see it every now & then but in the back of my mind I still have that fear! Fear of Judgment & abandonment. Also fear that if I don’t do what she says then she wont allow me to see my dad. So I just go through the motions . You know kind of like being fake . I swore that after my last hospital stay that I wouldn’t do that anymore but now I kind of feel like I have no choice. Its hard. I’m trying really hard. Even though my mom is a tough person to deal with i still love her. She is the only mom I have .

My daughter tells me she doesn’t understand why I allow her to treat me that way. She will never understand neither will my husband. They never been in my place. They have never been abandoned. they will never know that feeling. It’s not  a good one! So I deal as best as I can and hang onto every moment that I have left with my dad. Our time with him is so precious!

God Bless

Published in: on November 15, 2010 at 9:07 pm  Comments (2)  
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WHY WHY WHY

Why do I still allow my mom to control me? I just can’t take it !  The latest is that the last time I went down to visit my mom my allergies & asthma got so bad that I’ve been coughing ever since. It’s been over a month I finally went to the doctors and they had to give me a breathing treatment and steroids plus a new inhaler. So I called my mom to tell her that I wouldn’t be able to stay with her the next time i came down because of all the dog hair and plus there is only one bed so I have to sleep in the same bed with her when I’m there and she has to have the dog in the bed with her. Yeah I know she has issues. So I told her that I would be staying with my son and she stopped me once I said that and told me that the reason I go down there is not only to see my dad but to see her and keep her company. She said she is lonely and that it would really upset her if I came down and didn’t stay with her. Again its all about her as usual. I told her again I can’t because of the asthma and she said well wait till it gets better and then come down. It would really disappoint her if I came down now. Oh and then she tells me to not come down because the nursing home would think I was contagious because of all my coughing. They wouldn’t want me there.

Well here we go again now she is telling me when I can and when I can’t come down & who I can’t stay with wile I”m there. Really!!! Come on now is it me or am I losing my mind? She is telling me that when I come down that I am to stay with her not my son. Really how old am I ? Did she somehow in that crazy mind of hers think that I was still 6 years old and not 44?

There are so many other things that has gone on in the past few months that I can write a book!

Every time  I talk to my husband about it he gets so mad that he tells me please not to tell him anymore. He told me it makes him so angry because she is abusing me and there is nothing that he can do about it. We even got into an argument today! He hates that fact that I don’t speak up for myself and he say’s that I can’t really blame her. No one has told her or stood up to her and tell her she is wrong. Blah Blah Blah

I can understand to some extent why he feels that way but I still need some moral support through this!

I made up my mind that today is the day! I’m going to tell her that I’m coming down even if she doesn’t like it. I’m going to tell that I’m not doing it to disappoint her but because I want to see my father and that I will from now on stay with DeShaun because my asthma isn’t going away and everytime I stay with her it will make it worse. I can’t afford to take time off of work because I’m sick. If she can’t understand where I’m coming from then so be it. I know there will be ramifications for it. That’s what I’m afraid of. Not knowing what it will be but I have to stay strong no matter what. If she doesn’t allow  me to see him then  so be it. I will go down and tell him what has been going on and I will also tell him that my mom might not let me see him and then she will have to deal with it.

I am all she has so hopefully she will understand what I have to tell her!

I’m so sick to my stomach so I just have to get it over with tonight!!! I will let y’all know how it went.

God Bless

So now she is

Published in: on November 4, 2010 at 8:39 pm  Leave a Comment  
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What a day! What a day!

I’m only going to say this once. If you are not comfortable reading about very personal sexual material then please stop right now and exit my blog. Today have to be completely honest with how I feel.

Well when I left work today to go to therapy I didn’t expect to rant about my husband but I did.I mentioned before that I felt like we were living in a plastic bubble when I got out the hospital. It felt like he really got it. Like he knew what to do to make me feel better. Well slowly but surely it seems like things are back to they way they used to be.

When I got to my appointment the first question my therapist asked was so what’s going on. So I proceeded to tell her how I felt and before I knew it I kind of had an ahhhh moment. I’ve mentioned before that I have alway’s had this fear of my husband. He has never hurt me physically but emotionally I know he has. I learned that today. I started complaining about my husband expecting me to do things for him sexually. Things that I am not comfortable doing. So when I got out the hospital he stopped doing that and then last week he started again. Little by little he would ask me to expose myself to him. First it would be my top. Then it would be my bottom half. This he would ask any time of the day. So know it’s back to being on an everyday basis like it was before. Ohhhh how I hate it but I do it to shut him up. He also asks me to expose myself when we are in the car coming from or to work. If I don’t do it then he gets pissed of and has an attitude for the rest of the day! He asks for sex everyday and if I don’t give it to him he reminds me everyday. It’s like I don’t have any control over my body. He has kept hounding me about anal sex. I don’t like it at all but this man has been hounding me and hounding me. I’ll come home from the store and he would be like well did you buy any condoms and I’ll say no. This will go on and on so yesterday before I went to the pharmacy to pick up my script he said can you pick me up a box of condoms so we can you know. GRrrrrrrrrr

So what did I do I bought them. Now I have to give it up one of these day’s because he has the condoms now.

I feel like my dignity is being taken away from me layer by layer. We have talked about this before and he’ll stop for a while but then it will be just like it was.

Well my therapist said that he is not respecting my body and that i need to take control of what I what to do with my body or not. I know I have to talk with him about it but I have done this before and it goes in one ear and out the other.

So how do I get that control back. Sometimes i feel that if I just leave it would be easier that confronting him about this or any other issue because of fear. Oh I just hate life sometimes. Why does it have to be so hard!

There is so much more I want to say but it will have to be in my next post . My Seriquil has kicked in!

 

Till next time.

I have to reclaim my life . Learn who I really am and love me. My anxiety is getting bad again so I’m going to have to face it.

Published in: on June 10, 2010 at 10:10 pm  Comments (14)  
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Another rant!!

So my evening with the girls was great! I had such a fabulous time. So why am I mad. Well let see who pissed me off yep my husband. When I got home he was asleep on the couch. When he woke up I asked him if he ate. Mind you it was around 11:00 pm. He said he had eaten a little of the salad that I made for him so I felt bad for him and grilled him a couple of hot dogs. It wasn’t anything special but hello it was late! So anyway I was ready for bed. I made the mistake of not taking my night meds till I got home. It usually takes 30-45 minutes for them to kick in. So I laid there wide awake but tired. My husband proceeds to tell me that I had promised him sex. Mmmmm don’t remember that. So I told him no. This man asks me everyday and if he doesn’t ask me he is laid up on me telling me in other way’s that he wants it. I swear sometimes I feel like he is a dog in heat. So then he starts wining about how much his back and neck hurts instead of asking me for a massage he whines. That right there just infuriates me. So I get up and rub his back for 10 minutes and then I stop. He then say’s oh so your done. I say yes!! By now its like after 12 I just want to roll over and go to sleep. Inside  I’m boiling mad but I bite my tongue and not say anything. Oh it gets better. I roll over and try to go to sleep so what does he do he starts spooning me . Okay I don’t know if you girls know what I mean when I say I felt like I was suffocating. Seriously! I couldn’t move with out him pushing himself on me. Grrrrr. This went on for at least 30-45 minutes . My anxiety was so bad it just kept getting worse. I needed space and he was suffocating me. I was ready to just let him have it (what I mean by that is tell him off) when he finally released his grip of me turned over and went to sleep. I’m telling you if he hadn’t done that at that moment I was going to really lose it. I mean really! This has been a matter of discussion with him & I for a long time. Before I went into the hospital I left him for 4 day’s and because I just felt like all I was to him was his servant. Make him dinner, give him a massages, give him sex, trim his hair, work full-time, cook, clean the house, help him with side jobs, and if that wasn’t enough help him with the outside work around the house oh and lets not forget take care of the teenager. He always would bitch to me whenever I wouldn’t help him with the yard work. He would say the yard looks like shit because no one helps me with it. Oh I don’t do enough already. I’m only one person. Shit!! Plus I hate bees & I have severe allergies. Hello I had sinus cancer!!!!!I’m telling you I have just had about enough already. My anxiety is getting bad again!!!

I think he also seems to forget all the abuse I have had in my life. When you have been sexually abused it takes a lot for you to have an enjoyable sex life and for me if you keep pushing me to do it I resist it even more.

I was my parents servant. I did everything for them and a lot of time it wasn’t enough. It just seems like I can’t get a break. God I thought this last time he understood why I was so mentally exhausted. It’s been a little over a month an it feels like were back to square 1. God help me!

Published in: on June 4, 2010 at 1:01 pm  Comments (10)  
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Living in a plastic bubble.

Okay so I’ve been living in a plastic bubble of happiness since I came out of the hospital. It was like my hubbie and & have been on a honeymoon.  Well the honeymoon is over :O(. We have gradually gone back somewhat to like the way it was. I’m pretty bummed out about it. My anxiety is creeping back in. I know I know it’s just the reality of life  but it sucks! There are some choices that I have to make soon and I’m not too happy about it. This next month is going to be hard. My parents want me to come down and visit. They usually pay for everything so it’s really hard to come up with an excuse to not go. They have no idea that I was even in the hospital. I can’t tell them do to unwanted negativity and judgment that I know I’ll get if I do tell them. Even after all is said and done they are the only family that I have and I do love them. They are in their 80’s and they don’t really have any contact with the rest of my siblings. I have alway’s been there. Some part of me wants to go see them and another part of me is scared. They made it very clear how disappointed they were in how Jasmine acted the last time she was there . So do I bring her with me or not? While I’m there I’ll be visiting my son and J would be very upset if I didn’t bring her with me. I love when I’m together with both my kids. We have a blast. We haven’t seen my son since around the holiday’s. I miss him so much and so does J. So do I suck it up and go with the hopes that J will be on her best behavior or what? It’s only once a year that I go. J is stressing me out too. I’ve told her for the past 6 months to look for a job so that she isn’t just sitting home and not doing anything all summer. It’s like pulling teeth. I mentioned it again yesterday and she started telling me that she just wants to get this school year over with. She said MOM I’m stressed out. “Stop telling me I have to look for a job”. I know I have to get one. Teenagers!Grrrrr. I mean the girl is a straight A student but she can’t even remember to feed the dog on an everyday basis. Lord help me.

Oh and there is my hubbie he is back to his annoying habits oh lets see asking for sex everyday and asking what’s for breakfast lunch & dinner everyday. I’m the only one that cooks! I wish he could just make a decision for once already.

Oh and there is the side job he is doing. Hmmmm guess who is working with him ME. I hate it. I know he is doing it for extra money. Believe me we need it but is it really worth it? He acted like an ass over the weekend and made me cry. Oh yes I ran up the stairs and went into the bathroom to let it all out. Yep I’m back to hiding my feelings again. I work full-time and then do what I have to do at home plus the side job and trying to take care of miss thing (the teenager).

So the stress is back! It’s not as bad as it was but it concerns me ! I don’t want to get back there . What I mean is get back to the place where everything was too much for me and I have to go back in the hospital. Any suggestions?

Sorry for ranting but I have to really get it out.

The continuence of the letter

Sorry ! It’s taken me a while to come back and finish this letter. I have to again let you know how hard this is for me. I feel guilty. I know! I know! Your probably thinking I’m crazy but you see I have a very small limited number of people I can call family. Remember my “real  parents” abandoned me when I was 2. I have alway’s been loyal to them no-matter what. So now for me to go back and start expressing how I really felt all this time is strange and feels like I’m turning on them. I’m not sure if you could really understand what I mean when I say this.

So now the guilt has set in. All I have said is true so why do I feel this way? I’m not sure. That is something I’m going to have to discuss with my therapist. If anyone has some input please feel free to comment.

So I have to finish it right? I mean I have finally got myself to open up so now I have to let all of it out. The good the bad and the ugly. There is no turning back. I have to go forward with my healing even if it means that I feel guilty about it.  To hold onto it wouldn’t help me. I mean look what it has done to me so far. So now it’s time to complete this chapter.

 

So Mom let’s get back to you kicking me out. We all know it was your idea. You’re the one who makes the decisions in the relationship. I don’t know exactly what you & Dad were thinking of when you conned me into coming back home . Of course there was a stipulation to it. You only allowed me to come home if I promised to go to Hope House( a drug rehabilitation place). The same place that you made M(sister) go to. Don’t you know she was crying out for help for a long time and you never got her the correct help. So lets put her in a drug rehab. Then you tried to talk me into going to one. That night when I agreed I came home and you wouldn’t even hug me or let me sleep in my own room. You told me I couldn’t go upstairs and I had to sleep on the couch. How could you? You both made me feel like I was so dirty & some kind of criminal. Well that night while you were asleep I decided that I  couldn’t go through with it. Why did I have to go to a drug rehab. I wasn’t on drugs. Did you really think that going there would make me listen better at home or did you just not want the responsibility of having me home. God forbid I make a mistake. I mean really did you ever do anything wrong when you were growing up? We are supposed to learn from our mistakes right? Not me I learned you make one and you are punished. Do you want to know what else I learned don’t make any mistakes. Just like when I was in foster homes. Just in a different way. It wasn’t any better. Oh I hated you then. I hated the fact that most of the time I felt like a robot. Push the button and she will do everything you tell her to do. I couldn’t take it anymore. So I left.

You know what I learned a lot of valuable lessons when I was on my own. I was able to take care of myself. It was hard and I made mistakes along the way but by God I made it through. Do you remember the time when I was 16 and I asked you to take me to the clinic so I could get on birth control? Well you wouldn’t even talk to me about it and you told me that you didn’t condone premarital sex and that was that. No talking to me about protecting myself from any sexual diseases or pregnancy. Nothing. You walked right out of the room. Huh. Well look what happened I never did go to the clinic and I wound up getting pregnant. Oh believe me I love my Son to death and I would never chang that for anything but really? How did you help me then? You as a parent should have steped up to the plate and at least talked to me and gave me advice on how to have safe sex. What kind of parent does that? Really? I was so afraid to call you when I was on my own. I didn’t want the judgment. Almost 2 years went by. Those 2 years were so hard. The boy I was living with decided to cheat on me. I had no were to go. I knew I couldn’t call you for help. I didn’t know what to do I was so heart-broken. I didn’t have any family to turn to and my boyfriend was cheated on me then broke up with me so I tried to commit suicide. Yes that’s right there was a good chance you wouldn’t even have a daughter right now if it worked but God was with me that night and the pills weren’t strong enough. I’m sure you’re in shock right now but I have to come clean. There is so much anger. Well you & Dad came back into my life after my apology for what I had done in the past and it took a long while for both of you to really trust me. Really that should have been the other way around. I couldn’t trust the fact that you both would abandon me again. That alway’s stayed with me. Even now as an adult. Oh there were good times and times when you & dad helped me  financially. I will forever be grateful for that. You have been good to your Grand children but some things that you say still hurt like a knife. When I called you to tell you what was going on with me and how I left home because of the fight that D(husband) & I had. There wasn’t any sympathy. You even asked If D(husband) ever hit me? Why did I leave him? How could I abandon my husband. Even after I told you that I was scared and that I had Post Tramatic Stress Disorder you still made me feel like I was in the wrong. I understand that D(husband) had never hit me but it didn’t help when he yelled or had confrontations with Jasmine. It triggered my symptoms. All you could say to me was how could you? You should be ashamed of yourself. You know what really hurt me the most when you agreed with how D(husband) spoke to J(daughter). You told me well when J was here she was acting like a BITCH so he was telling her the truth. That’s how she acts! I couldn’t believe you said that. I was crushed. How could YOU say that to me about my daughter YOUR grandchild. I will never forget that EVER. The conversation we had then was what really sent me over the edge. I went down hill after that. Went into a black hole. I couldn’t get out. I felt like I failed at everything and I had no control over my life anymore. I felt like I didn’t even exist. Empty!!!! All the pain it hurt so much I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t live feeling like that anymore. I just wanted to die. Really die. I felt like D, J & D would be better off without me. Do you hear me. I wanted to commit suicide!!. Oh just thinking of it now just brings tears to my eyes because I was so lost. What do you have to say about that? Do you know how much pain I have really suffered through? Really? From the time I was abandoned at the age of 2 till now. I’m still in pain. This letter is a part of my healing. Getting things out in the open. I had to write this to  you and not think of how you were going to feel about it because really that’s all I cared about all my life what you and Dad would think of me. Judgment! Abandonment! Punishment!  Well no more. I will no longer put myself in the position for you to hurt me again. I love you but I love me more. I’m my own person and I’m going to do my best to heal and live a new and  more happy life.  

 

So there is the rest of my letter. I never imagined that I had that much anger built up inside. But I guess I do. Please don’t get me wrong. I love my parents and I hope tohave a more loving relationship with them. I’m not sure of my Mom changing. She is in her 80’s. So instead of leaning on her when I’m down. I’m going to lean on people who love me no-matter ! I will continue to take my meds. Go to therapy and lean on my friends, my blog ,& I’m now proud to say my husband. He has really helped in the last month and he has come to realize how awful mental illness is. It took him a while but he finally understands.

Till next time….

 

God Bless

C

The next day!

When I woke up the next day I was really scared. I didn’t know how to feel or what to expect. I felt all alone. I was introduced to the rest of the people in my dorm and shown around. There were a lot of women and couple of men which surprised me. I thought that they had the men stay in a separate dorm.  I met with the team of doctors. Medical doctor, Nurse Practitioner, LCSW . I was given a schedule that I had to stick to and my medication was changed. The doctor said that the medication I was on was very mild so they increased that and she put me on additional medication. There was group therapy and private therapy sessions. Group therapy was a little hard for me but once I got used to it I was able to participate. The food wasn’t bad and we had visiting hours. God I couldn’t wait for that time. My husband visited me every chance he got. Poor thing was so worried about me. I cried the first time he left after visiting hours. I didn’t realize till that moment how much I loved that man. He didn’t let me down. He hugged me so tight. I could see the hurt in his eyes but he didn’t say anything because he knew it would make me even more upset. For the first time in 21 years this man was telling me how much he loved me and wasn’t afraid to show it. All this time I thought he wouldn’t understand, he wouldn’t care, he wouldn’t really get what it was I was going through but he did. What a shock for me. Why did have to come to this to make him open his eyes? I don’t know. But I was so glad! Thank you God!

So I was in for 7 day’s. I learned a lot , I met some wonderful people and I feel like I can live again. It’s going to be hard and it’s going to take a lot of work but I think I can do it!

 

 

God Bless

C

Published in: on May 17, 2010 at 1:23 pm  Comments (5)  
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