Am I 44 or not!

That’s what I ask myself  every time my mom treats me like a child. This time it was about going down to visit my dad. I had issues that I had to deal with because my mom wanted me to stay with her and  didn’t want to because of my asthma. You see the last time I went down my asthma got so bad I was sick for over a month. Well my mom made arrangements for me to sleep down stairs so I did wind up staying with her.

Well I had a lot of anxiety over it. My mom needs me in her own little selfish way and I don’t want to disappoint her so I gave in. Yeah I know I have to get over that because I’m 44 years old now and I’m not a little kid. I should be able to make my own decisions right? Well my mom sometimes forgets that I’m an adult & so do I. I did speak up to her finally and told her how she was making me feel but in the long run she wound up getting her way anyway. That is how it usually is. I am however proud that I spoke up for myself. I have never in the 38 years that she has been my mother. NEVER. When I made the decision to do so I wanted to vomit. That day was long for me! I couldn’t call her till the evening and the closer I got to the time the more sicker I felt. I asked my husband if he could just sit next to me when I talked to her and he did. So I did it. Do I feel any different? Well yes in a way. Was it a victory? NO! She still got her way. If my dad knew he would be very upset.  I’m sure he knows in a way he has lived with her for 40 years! I don’t know how he has done it. I don’t know how anyone could live with such a person.

I’m sure there is some part of her that is good. i see it every now & then but in the back of my mind I still have that fear! Fear of Judgment & abandonment. Also fear that if I don’t do what she says then she wont allow me to see my dad. So I just go through the motions . You know kind of like being fake . I swore that after my last hospital stay that I wouldn’t do that anymore but now I kind of feel like I have no choice. Its hard. I’m trying really hard. Even though my mom is a tough person to deal with i still love her. She is the only mom I have .

My daughter tells me she doesn’t understand why I allow her to treat me that way. She will never understand neither will my husband. They never been in my place. They have never been abandoned. they will never know that feeling. It’s not  a good one! So I deal as best as I can and hang onto every moment that I have left with my dad. Our time with him is so precious!

God Bless

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Published in: on November 15, 2010 at 9:07 pm  Comments (2)  
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WHY WHY WHY

Why do I still allow my mom to control me? I just can’t take it !  The latest is that the last time I went down to visit my mom my allergies & asthma got so bad that I’ve been coughing ever since. It’s been over a month I finally went to the doctors and they had to give me a breathing treatment and steroids plus a new inhaler. So I called my mom to tell her that I wouldn’t be able to stay with her the next time i came down because of all the dog hair and plus there is only one bed so I have to sleep in the same bed with her when I’m there and she has to have the dog in the bed with her. Yeah I know she has issues. So I told her that I would be staying with my son and she stopped me once I said that and told me that the reason I go down there is not only to see my dad but to see her and keep her company. She said she is lonely and that it would really upset her if I came down and didn’t stay with her. Again its all about her as usual. I told her again I can’t because of the asthma and she said well wait till it gets better and then come down. It would really disappoint her if I came down now. Oh and then she tells me to not come down because the nursing home would think I was contagious because of all my coughing. They wouldn’t want me there.

Well here we go again now she is telling me when I can and when I can’t come down & who I can’t stay with wile I”m there. Really!!! Come on now is it me or am I losing my mind? She is telling me that when I come down that I am to stay with her not my son. Really how old am I ? Did she somehow in that crazy mind of hers think that I was still 6 years old and not 44?

There are so many other things that has gone on in the past few months that I can write a book!

Every time  I talk to my husband about it he gets so mad that he tells me please not to tell him anymore. He told me it makes him so angry because she is abusing me and there is nothing that he can do about it. We even got into an argument today! He hates that fact that I don’t speak up for myself and he say’s that I can’t really blame her. No one has told her or stood up to her and tell her she is wrong. Blah Blah Blah

I can understand to some extent why he feels that way but I still need some moral support through this!

I made up my mind that today is the day! I’m going to tell her that I’m coming down even if she doesn’t like it. I’m going to tell that I’m not doing it to disappoint her but because I want to see my father and that I will from now on stay with DeShaun because my asthma isn’t going away and everytime I stay with her it will make it worse. I can’t afford to take time off of work because I’m sick. If she can’t understand where I’m coming from then so be it. I know there will be ramifications for it. That’s what I’m afraid of. Not knowing what it will be but I have to stay strong no matter what. If she doesn’t allow  me to see him then  so be it. I will go down and tell him what has been going on and I will also tell him that my mom might not let me see him and then she will have to deal with it.

I am all she has so hopefully she will understand what I have to tell her!

I’m so sick to my stomach so I just have to get it over with tonight!!! I will let y’all know how it went.

God Bless

So now she is

Published in: on November 4, 2010 at 8:39 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Hello there!

Hello to all my blog friends! I haven’t been on regularly because I have had so much going on in my life that by the time I sit down I’m ready to go to bed!

My dad is still in the ICU. He is slowly recovering and will be transferred to a rehab facility in the next couple of weeks. God keep showing me how good he is. He has gotten me through such hurdles in my life. When you think all is good then something else happens. At first I thought I was being punished for all the harsh things I have been saying in my post. I soon figured it out its not the case. God wouldn’t put me through all this . It just happened. Its a fluke. Who would of known that my dads AVM would rupture. He has been through so much. 4 surgeries and he is still alive. Its a miracle!

My Mom on the other hand is a complete mess. Her life as she knew it isn’t the same anymore. My Dad had alway’s catered to her every need. Now she has to ask other people for help & do things on her own. I do in a way feel bad for her however she still can be very abrupt and cruel. That hasn’t changed. I was mentally drained for the 2 weeks I was there and I still am in a way. I have to call her everyday for an update. It’s alway’s about her & how drained she is. Oh poor me routine. Let me give you an example. When she found out that their insurance doesn’t cover a lot of the cost for a rehab she was sick to her stomach she was telling my father while he was still in a coma please wake up your costing me $140.00 a day! Then she would laugh a little like it was funny and I would be standing there pissed. Its costing her money. Well it’s both of their money and who cares they have it. Who could say now a day’s if they had over $15,000. 00 in the bank. No one! Everytime she say’s it I just want to curse her out but I keep my mouth shut because I can’t have an opinion! Oh there is so much more! Well lets see she wouldn’t let me drive their car while I was there but she let her Secretary drive it anytime she wanted . My mom doesn’t drive so we would have to bring her to the hospital every day. I stayed at home with her for 2 weeks but she would have her secretary come over and pick us up & bring us to the hospital. Now does that make any sence? No not at all. but I kept my mouth shut ! Oh and here is the latest. Next weekend I am going down for 3 day’s to see my dad and my daughter is going with me. Well you should have heard what she said . She isn’t staying here is she ? I’m not comfortable having her stay here. I am too stressed out and I don’t want to have to caterto her. Blah Blah Blah. She went on & on about it so I had to ask my son if his sister could stay with him while we were there. I just couldn’t believe it! She didn’t want my daughter (her granddaughter) to stay in her house! I almost cancelled my trip but I had to keep saying to myself I’m going down to see my dad. She is something else!!!!!! It’s all about her!!!! She didn’t hear from me for 2 day’s and she called to ask why and I told her that I didn’t get home till late and I didn’t want to wake her.Which was true! Well she went on about how she thought I was upset with her and that her stomach was in knots. How she just couldn’t handle another thing and please don’t be made! Boho boho boho! She didn’t apologize though and she still wanted to make sure that I was coming down & that J(daughter) wasn’t staying there GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Lord help me!!!!! While we were talking she asked what I was doing so I started telling her that I had just got done eating dinner & was getting ready to weed whack the front yard because it had gotten so bad because D(husband) & I have been busy working  and how we didn’t have time! She starts telling me  don’t complain to me about how you don’t have time. I don’t have any time. I have so much to do Blah Blah Blah blah! So I shut up again! Lord help me! I’ll tell you one thing I’m so glad that I have good meds. That is what is keeping me sane!!!

So that the latest & greatest news!

I’ll try to keep everyone posted more often!

Much Love

God Bless!

Published in: on July 28, 2010 at 2:40 pm  Comments (2)  
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Long overdue update!!

Well hello to all of you. God I missed writing on my blog and keeping in touch with all of you.I know many of you are probably wondering when I’ll get back to my life story. Well It will be soon. I have so much going on right now that I need to vent . So here goes!

4 weeks ago my Dad was sitting in front of the T.V. enjoying some ice cream when all the sudden his head started hurting. He complained to my mom and she knew that it was his AVM. It’s a form of vessels in the brain that he has had since he was born. He had minor surgery 30 years ago to help with his seizures. Well all hell broke loose and he had a severe brain bleed. The surgeon said if another hour had went by he wouldn’t be alive. The first hospital he was sent to couldn’t provide the care my dad needed so he was transferred to another hospital. He immediately went in for brain surgery in hopes to stop the bleeding and swelling in the brain. The surgeon told my mom that there was a good chance that he wouldn’t make it through. Well he did. and he has been fighting for his life ever since. My dad was in a coma for 2 1/2 weeks and is slowly coming around. He still has blood in the brain and swelling but it’s getting better. The doctor say’s ti’s going to be baby steps and they aren’t sure how much damage has been done . He will be in the hospital another week or 2 then he will be transferred to a rehabilitation facility where he will remain for a minimum of 120 day’s. Then if he hasn’t responded well then he will be put in a nursing home. It’s been a long haul for all of us.

So now it’s time for me to vent!

When this first happened my mom informed me that she didn’t want me there. I asked her why and she said that she just couldn’t handle taking care of me right now and worry about me. She said she had enough going on. I was very angry. I couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t handle me right now. OMG did she forget that I was an adult. She didn’t need to take care of me. I just wanted to be there for him but again it was all about her. Things never change.

So I waited & waited till she gave me the approval to come there. 2 weeks later I was on my way. I really thought things where going to be different but boy was I wrong. When I got to Long Island my son drove me right to the hospital. When i got to his room my mom was there and she said to me as soon as I walked in “DON”T TOUCH HIM” I was like OMG what is her problem and then she was like he can’t afford to get an infection. I was not allowed to touch, talk or cry for my dad. She told me she just couldn’t handle that right now. She has enough going on . I was soooooooo angry. Again all about her. So that was the first day. God did I dread the next 2 weeks. So every day was an emotional rollercoaster for me. One minute she was okay the next she would chastise me. Letting me know where my place was and where her’s was. She was in control of everything. I was not allowed to ask questions, talk to the doctors, voice any concerns. Pretty much nothing! When I did try to ask, voice or talk to the doctor’s my mom would quickly remind me that was her job not mine. So that was how I spent most of my day’s. She would use me as she pleased. Like she hates sleeping alone so guess who had to sleep with her in the bed? Yep me. My dad alway’s took very good care of her. She never had to lift a finger to do anything at home so guess who did that? Yep me!

Oh and the story goes on and on!

Till next time …

God Bless

Published in: on July 12, 2010 at 1:32 pm  Comments (4)  
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The Letter!

Okay so I’ve been procrastinating ! This is a hard assignment. I didn’t know how to start this or what I was going to say. Lately there has been so much anger built up in me. So I guess the only way to do it is to do it.

Mom,

This is one of the hardest things that I have ever done. My intention is not to hurt you. Don’t know why as you never have really thought before you spoke to me.  Words can really hurt. Did you know that? Maybe your Mom didn’t teach you that? Your blunt with your opinions however no one can be that way with you. God forbid we have our own opinions.

Lets see many many years ago when I was little you told me that grandma didn’t want you to adopt me because I was too dark. Well how do you think that made me feel? Where you suppose to get an award for doing so anyway? I mean every chance you got you were alway’s showing me off. Did it make you feel like a better person because you adopted children? An adopted person doesn’t alway’s want to be reminded that they are an adopted child. They want to be known as just a child. A child who is loved no matter how you got them or had them. Oh how it would make my skin crawl every time you made me sit on your lap like I was your prized possession.

I was alway’s made to feel like somehow someway I had to pay you back for adopting me. Where was the love? I didn’t feel it. Dad showed me love but I didn’t feel it from you. I mean all the abuse I encountered in the 8 years before you adopted me. How could you not be concerned at all about me?You knew what happened.

Why weren’t you sensitive to my needs? I was to yours. I bent over backwards to make sure I did everything right. I took care of you when you were sick. I cooked, cleaned and did everything you asked. What about what I wanted or needed. You never asked. It was alway’s about you. I worked really hard from the time I was around ten till you kicked me out. The chores were horrible. They all had to be done before I did my homework. Well a lot of times I wasn’t done till late at night with the chores so by the time I had no energy for homework. Yes I know my school work was bad. I know I got bad grades but you never helped me . I really think I had ADHD . I couldn’t concentrate at all. I even got left back twice and you still didn’t help me. What about when we moved us to an all white neighborhood? Boy that really made sense. I was so alienated in my school & neighborhood. I was made fun of all the time. You worked all the time. So it wasn’t your concern. I had to be the perfect child and when I wasn’t you alway’s threw it in my face. Do you want to be like M(sister)? Your going to turn out just like her. I was never allowed to make any  mistakes. So it was like living on egg shells my whole life. Why didn’t you & Dad get me help after the molestation? Why did you ignore it? Really how could you? I can’t even imagine what I would have done if that was my daughter who was molested. I sure wouldn’t have thrown it under the rug. To me it felt like the person who did it to me got away with it . He wasn’t punished and now he has children. I bet he did it to his children. Did you even think about that?  Every day I’m reminded of it one way or another. You never asked me how I felt about it at all. It was like it never happened. Oh and the incest. Hmmmm yes M(sister) was having sex with her brother your son. You probably didn’t know it because you were to pre occupied in your own world.

So lets talk about when I got thrown out. Hmmm. I went out and fell asleep at my friends grandmothers house. When I got home my cloths were outside and the locks were changed. Why??? Why would you throw your own daughter out in the street. The only child you had left that wanted anything to do with you? You didn’t even ask me why I didn’t come home or what happened . I mean what was it that made you that angry to throw me out? What? I was 17 years old and I had no one else in my life who could help me. No other family! No one. I still till this day can’t understand that at all. Oh that’s right. I didn’t follow the rules! I was sooo hurt. I felt soooo alone.

I didn’t talk to you for 2 years after that.

There is so much more I have to say! Till next time………

 

C

Published in: on May 20, 2010 at 4:25 pm  Comments (7)  
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Continuance of my life story.

Yes there is more but before I get to that I have a couple of people who I really need to thank . One is my friend B. I never knew that this person would mean so much to me. We met at work and we connected right away. She made me laugh every day and when I transferred to another agency we promised each other that we would get together once a month. So we haven’t broke our promise. We talk almost everyday and get together and we have a blast. My friend is having a very hard time in her personal life but she makes sure to check on me everyday to see if I’m okay. She came to see me in the hospital while I was their. I don’t know how my life would be if I never met her. She has brought so much joy to my heart. Thanks girl ! I love you. I am truly blessed to have the kind of friends that I do.

 To the people in the blog community. I have found some wonderful people who inspire me 3 of which I have to acknowledge. Trisha, Jimmy & Svasti. God bless you for taking the time to support me & inspire me.

 

Okay so back to my story. My sister & I where abused in all our foster homes so once we got adopted we just knew it wouldn’t happen again . Well it did. About a year of settling in our new home my parents decided  to take in a foster child. My sister & I thought this person was going to be around our age but he wasn’t. He was 17 years old. My parents made a bedroom out of the basement for him and that’s where he spent most of his time. We were told to never go down there. When my parents weren’t home we did. My grandmother would be in her room and we would sneak down there because he had a radio down there and we would listen to music. We thought he was sooo cool. He gave us a lot of attention. Then I’m not sure exactly when but he would start touching us. He would go after my sister and then me. We would try to fight him off but he was too strong. Every time my parents found us down in the basement we would get punished. It usually ment we were grounded. So that went on for about a year. One day my parents weren’t home and we all were upstairs. J (our foster brother) was trying to get inside of me and couldn’t because I was too small so he started chasing my sister around the dining room table she was running from him and she tripped and smacked her toe into one of the legs on the table. Well her toe got broken. When my parents got home they were mad. They asked what happened and we said we were goofing off and of course we got grounded again. My sister & I went to our bedroom and cried and we told each other we had to tell my parents. We were scared but we were tired of getting in trouble all the time. That’s what we felt. Not the fact that we were being molested but getting grounded. I even remember getting mad because I was jealous of all the attention my sister got. How sick is that. I had really no clue the impact that this would have in my life. I was a little girl lost and all I wanted was attention whether it was bad or good attention I wanted it.

So we told our parents what was really going on. All I remember is that my father threw him out of the house and it wasn’t talked about again. They didn’t send us to counseling or to the doctors to see if we had anything wrong with us. NOTHING at all. My sister & I got left back that year from school. We had to repeat the 3rd & 4th grade! As far as my parents were concerned everything was alright! How could they not help us. We showed signs.  How could they not hug us and tell us everything was going to be alright. Just NOTHING! As I write this it makes me soooo angry. How he & my parents took a piece of me and threw it in the garbage.  I was alway’s afraid of touching my kids the wrong way. Was I hugging them to hard? My baby girl wanted to sleep in the bed with me  I alway’s made sure I slept on top of the cover or sheet . I made sure her skin never touched mine. I was sooooo paranoid that I would do the same to my kids. Oh those years were really hard for me. Even breastfeeding. I couldn’t do it I just couldn’t. I could go on and on. I know I have to let it go. I will in time.

Till next time….

 

God Bless

C

Published in: on May 17, 2010 at 9:08 pm  Comments (5)  
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The adoption!

Okay so I had a really bad day yesterday(emotionally) It just creeped up on me in the afternoon and I can’t really figure out what set it off all I know is that I got that feeling in my throat again and I just wanted to scream & cry. Going home was a chore and when I walked in the door I had gifts waiting for me. This selfless person whom I met on-line from the UK sent me gifts because she knew that I was not having the best of times lately. Maggie has been truly a blessing in my life. Her husband was diagnosed with the same cancer as I had but unfortunately he lost his fight. Even in her own grief she still managed to thank me for being there for her. I just don’t know if words are enough. If she was her in person I would give her the biggest huggs and kisses!!! I have to give her a shout out. Maggie you are amazing thank you for coming into my life!!!

Then I had the pleasure of speaking to my BFF last night (L) she again just made me feel better by listening. She means the world to me. Girl you just don’t know what you mean to me!!!!!

Also can’t forget my other BFF (K) she alway’s has some amazing things to say to me or email me. She too has been one of the people I can count on. She makes me laugh like crazy especially when she hounds me about Farmville. Oh god she is too funny. I love that girl!!!

 Back to the story!

Before I start the story you need to know this. My adopted father was a Priest and my adopted mother was a Nun. My mom went to work for my dad and they fell in love and she left the convent and he left the I forget what it’s called. The priesthood?.Yes you read it right. They were married for a couple of years and during that time  my mom suffered many miscarriages. The last child she lost was in her 6th month of pregnancy. The doctor told her after that she couldn’t get pregnant again. So they chose to adopt!

Okay back to the story!

So after a while a couple (my parents)went to an adoption agency and saw our pictures in an album that they got to look through. They wanted my sister and the agency told them that we really thought that we should not be separated so they decided to start taking us out for day trips and then weekend sleepover’s. My adopted grandmother told my mom that she didn’t think it would be a good idea to adopt me because I was much darker that my sister. My sister could pass for Italian and people thought I was black because I am on the darker side. My adopted mother didn’t take her advice and they decided that they wanted to adopted us. The day trips & weekend sleepover’s were great. We were spoiled. I was never happier in my life and I felt safe! They never argued or fought and they never hit us so when they asked my sister & I if we wanted them as parents we jumped at the chance. We wanted to get out of the hell we were in.  So for the first year it was fabulous most times. I do remember a couple of things that happened then that should have been a sign.

Once they took us into their home my mother chopped our hair off. We cried and cried. She cut it because she didn’t know how to deal with latino hair. Ours was really thick and very long. It was down to our butts. They never put us in counseling for all the abuse. It was never talked about. My Mom is the boss in the relationship so what ever she said or did my father agreed to. My mom had this thing that if you didn’t finish all your food on your dinner plate then you had to eat it for breakfest cold the next morning! Oh how we hated that. I remember mornings when I would just gag while eating. It was awful. Then there was snack time. My sister & I would be brought outside to have our snacks. My mom made us eat yogurt. Oh how I hated yogurt. My sister would eat hers and I just couldn’t get it down so my mom would force feed it to me. I would be gagging and she would just keep shoving into my mouth until one afternoon when she did I threw it up in her face and she got the point and never gave it to me again. During those times my dad worked long hours and we would be so glad to see him when he got home. Then they decided to adopt more kids and foster another child and the story goes on and on……..

God Bless

c

Published in: on April 16, 2010 at 4:26 pm  Comments (1)  
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The baggage Part 2

I’m sure you’re wondering how I know about my other brothers & sisters well when I was pregnant with my daughter I decided that I needed to know who my Mother and Father were and if  I had anymore brothers & sisters. So my dad gave me the name of the hospital I was born in and I wrote them to asked for my medical history from when I was born. The hospital sent me micro film containing the info . I couldn’t believe they sent it to me. So off to the Library I went hoping to find out more about my other family. I found out that my biological Mom & Dad weren’t married however they had been together for over 7 years. It also stated that I was her 6th child she had given birth to and that 3 of my other sibling were with my Grandmother in Puerto Rico. So it looks like they couldn’t even take care of the other 3 children either .  Anyway that’s how I know!

So let’s get back to the story of adoption and how I got there.

Well as I already said when we were found CPS immediately put us in a foster home. The first couple I don’t remember or I blocked it out. Then there was the foster home where I was purposely burned. I will never forget that one. This was a family who were well off. They had a mentally challenged son. My sister and I were given one bedroom where there were 2 mattresses one on the right side of the room & the other on the left. When I say mattres ses I mean just a mattress nothing else. No dresser. Just a mattress. Not even sheets on them. They locked us up in the room and they didn’t even let us out to go to the bathroom. We had to go on ourselves. Yes you read that right on our selves. My sister and I lived in one room where we slept, ate  pissed & shit in . I don’t know how they could have lived with themselves. I remembered trying to get out of the room and their son would hold the door closed and when we would finally get it open their son would hit us and pull our hair till we got back inside. The father was alway’s out-of-town for work so the mother was the one who was supposed to take care of us. One day our foster-father was coming home early so our foster mom took us out of the room cleaned us up and gave us pretty new dresses to put on for the occasion. I remember my dress was yellow with these pretty little white polka dots on it. It was so pretty. We were all sitting at the dinning room table and we were being served dinner. First course soup. Our foster mom had poured everyone elses soup and mine was last she came over to pour it and instead of pouring it in the bowl she poured it on my chest. I don’t remember much after that but I do know we were taken out of that house and given to another family. I have a scar on my chest to remind me everyday what hell I went through. What a horrible , horrible family!!! The story goes on and on……..

 God Bless

C

Published in: on April 13, 2010 at 4:05 pm  Comments (2)  
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Another bad call.

Well I know I’m supposed to be writing part 2 however I just needed to share this with you. I haven’t spoken to my parents since that weekend. You know the weekend that I left home. So this past Friday was my Mom’s birthday. God how I didn’t want to speak to her. I am still angry with her . I know I should just let it go but I’m still hurt by it! Hell not just that but everything. Everything that happened over the years. So I knew I had to call and wish her a Happy Birthday. I’m the only one out of 5 children that they adopted that even communicate with them on a regular basis. I knew she would be hurt if I didn’t call but I procrastinated all day and then I feel asleep on the couch early that night so I didn’t call. So now I knew that she was probably upset with me so I waited & waited then I finally made the call. I immediately told her how sorry I was for not calling her. But you know I really wasn’t . I would never intentionally hurt someone like that . It’s just I just didn’t want to speak with her. I hate putting on the act. You know that act like everything is okay. I’ve done it for so long and I know as long as I want to have any kind of relationship with them I’ll have to keep doing that. I just hate it. Why do we have to do that. Doesn’t my feelings count anymore. They haven’t in the past. When will they! Ohhhh I’m just so tired of it. So I played the loving daughter role like I alway’s do just to get it over with and she was okay with it and then she handed the phone to my Dad so he could speak to me. So again I had to play the role and he asked me if I was okay and I told him I have some day’s when I feel like crap and some day’s when I’m okay. Honestly I have most day’s when I feel like crap. So then he told me welcome to the club. I was like no he didn’t just say that to me. He has never been in my club so how does he know! But of course I didn’t say that. I kept playing the role.

So till next time……..

 

God Bless

C

Published in: on April 12, 2010 at 3:38 pm  Comments (2)  
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