Am I 44 or not!

That’s what I ask myself  every time my mom treats me like a child. This time it was about going down to visit my dad. I had issues that I had to deal with because my mom wanted me to stay with her and  didn’t want to because of my asthma. You see the last time I went down my asthma got so bad I was sick for over a month. Well my mom made arrangements for me to sleep down stairs so I did wind up staying with her.

Well I had a lot of anxiety over it. My mom needs me in her own little selfish way and I don’t want to disappoint her so I gave in. Yeah I know I have to get over that because I’m 44 years old now and I’m not a little kid. I should be able to make my own decisions right? Well my mom sometimes forgets that I’m an adult & so do I. I did speak up to her finally and told her how she was making me feel but in the long run she wound up getting her way anyway. That is how it usually is. I am however proud that I spoke up for myself. I have never in the 38 years that she has been my mother. NEVER. When I made the decision to do so I wanted to vomit. That day was long for me! I couldn’t call her till the evening and the closer I got to the time the more sicker I felt. I asked my husband if he could just sit next to me when I talked to her and he did. So I did it. Do I feel any different? Well yes in a way. Was it a victory? NO! She still got her way. If my dad knew he would be very upset.  I’m sure he knows in a way he has lived with her for 40 years! I don’t know how he has done it. I don’t know how anyone could live with such a person.

I’m sure there is some part of her that is good. i see it every now & then but in the back of my mind I still have that fear! Fear of Judgment & abandonment. Also fear that if I don’t do what she says then she wont allow me to see my dad. So I just go through the motions . You know kind of like being fake . I swore that after my last hospital stay that I wouldn’t do that anymore but now I kind of feel like I have no choice. Its hard. I’m trying really hard. Even though my mom is a tough person to deal with i still love her. She is the only mom I have .

My daughter tells me she doesn’t understand why I allow her to treat me that way. She will never understand neither will my husband. They never been in my place. They have never been abandoned. they will never know that feeling. It’s not  a good one! So I deal as best as I can and hang onto every moment that I have left with my dad. Our time with him is so precious!

God Bless

Published in: on November 15, 2010 at 9:07 pm  Comments (2)  
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Living in a plastic bubble.

Okay so I’ve been living in a plastic bubble of happiness since I came out of the hospital. It was like my hubbie and & have been on a honeymoon.  Well the honeymoon is over :O(. We have gradually gone back somewhat to like the way it was. I’m pretty bummed out about it. My anxiety is creeping back in. I know I know it’s just the reality of life  but it sucks! There are some choices that I have to make soon and I’m not too happy about it. This next month is going to be hard. My parents want me to come down and visit. They usually pay for everything so it’s really hard to come up with an excuse to not go. They have no idea that I was even in the hospital. I can’t tell them do to unwanted negativity and judgment that I know I’ll get if I do tell them. Even after all is said and done they are the only family that I have and I do love them. They are in their 80’s and they don’t really have any contact with the rest of my siblings. I have alway’s been there. Some part of me wants to go see them and another part of me is scared. They made it very clear how disappointed they were in how Jasmine acted the last time she was there . So do I bring her with me or not? While I’m there I’ll be visiting my son and J would be very upset if I didn’t bring her with me. I love when I’m together with both my kids. We have a blast. We haven’t seen my son since around the holiday’s. I miss him so much and so does J. So do I suck it up and go with the hopes that J will be on her best behavior or what? It’s only once a year that I go. J is stressing me out too. I’ve told her for the past 6 months to look for a job so that she isn’t just sitting home and not doing anything all summer. It’s like pulling teeth. I mentioned it again yesterday and she started telling me that she just wants to get this school year over with. She said MOM I’m stressed out. “Stop telling me I have to look for a job”. I know I have to get one. Teenagers!Grrrrr. I mean the girl is a straight A student but she can’t even remember to feed the dog on an everyday basis. Lord help me.

Oh and there is my hubbie he is back to his annoying habits oh lets see asking for sex everyday and asking what’s for breakfast lunch & dinner everyday. I’m the only one that cooks! I wish he could just make a decision for once already.

Oh and there is the side job he is doing. Hmmmm guess who is working with him ME. I hate it. I know he is doing it for extra money. Believe me we need it but is it really worth it? He acted like an ass over the weekend and made me cry. Oh yes I ran up the stairs and went into the bathroom to let it all out. Yep I’m back to hiding my feelings again. I work full-time and then do what I have to do at home plus the side job and trying to take care of miss thing (the teenager).

So the stress is back! It’s not as bad as it was but it concerns me ! I don’t want to get back there . What I mean is get back to the place where everything was too much for me and I have to go back in the hospital. Any suggestions?

Sorry for ranting but I have to really get it out.