Am I 44 or not!

That’s what I ask myself  every time my mom treats me like a child. This time it was about going down to visit my dad. I had issues that I had to deal with because my mom wanted me to stay with her and  didn’t want to because of my asthma. You see the last time I went down my asthma got so bad I was sick for over a month. Well my mom made arrangements for me to sleep down stairs so I did wind up staying with her.

Well I had a lot of anxiety over it. My mom needs me in her own little selfish way and I don’t want to disappoint her so I gave in. Yeah I know I have to get over that because I’m 44 years old now and I’m not a little kid. I should be able to make my own decisions right? Well my mom sometimes forgets that I’m an adult & so do I. I did speak up to her finally and told her how she was making me feel but in the long run she wound up getting her way anyway. That is how it usually is. I am however proud that I spoke up for myself. I have never in the 38 years that she has been my mother. NEVER. When I made the decision to do so I wanted to vomit. That day was long for me! I couldn’t call her till the evening and the closer I got to the time the more sicker I felt. I asked my husband if he could just sit next to me when I talked to her and he did. So I did it. Do I feel any different? Well yes in a way. Was it a victory? NO! She still got her way. If my dad knew he would be very upset.  I’m sure he knows in a way he has lived with her for 40 years! I don’t know how he has done it. I don’t know how anyone could live with such a person.

I’m sure there is some part of her that is good. i see it every now & then but in the back of my mind I still have that fear! Fear of Judgment & abandonment. Also fear that if I don’t do what she says then she wont allow me to see my dad. So I just go through the motions . You know kind of like being fake . I swore that after my last hospital stay that I wouldn’t do that anymore but now I kind of feel like I have no choice. Its hard. I’m trying really hard. Even though my mom is a tough person to deal with i still love her. She is the only mom I have .

My daughter tells me she doesn’t understand why I allow her to treat me that way. She will never understand neither will my husband. They never been in my place. They have never been abandoned. they will never know that feeling. It’s not  a good one! So I deal as best as I can and hang onto every moment that I have left with my dad. Our time with him is so precious!

God Bless

Published in: on November 15, 2010 at 9:07 pm  Comments (2)  
Tags: , , , , , ,

WHY WHY WHY

Why do I still allow my mom to control me? I just can’t take it !  The latest is that the last time I went down to visit my mom my allergies & asthma got so bad that I’ve been coughing ever since. It’s been over a month I finally went to the doctors and they had to give me a breathing treatment and steroids plus a new inhaler. So I called my mom to tell her that I wouldn’t be able to stay with her the next time i came down because of all the dog hair and plus there is only one bed so I have to sleep in the same bed with her when I’m there and she has to have the dog in the bed with her. Yeah I know she has issues. So I told her that I would be staying with my son and she stopped me once I said that and told me that the reason I go down there is not only to see my dad but to see her and keep her company. She said she is lonely and that it would really upset her if I came down and didn’t stay with her. Again its all about her as usual. I told her again I can’t because of the asthma and she said well wait till it gets better and then come down. It would really disappoint her if I came down now. Oh and then she tells me to not come down because the nursing home would think I was contagious because of all my coughing. They wouldn’t want me there.

Well here we go again now she is telling me when I can and when I can’t come down & who I can’t stay with wile I”m there. Really!!! Come on now is it me or am I losing my mind? She is telling me that when I come down that I am to stay with her not my son. Really how old am I ? Did she somehow in that crazy mind of hers think that I was still 6 years old and not 44?

There are so many other things that has gone on in the past few months that I can write a book!

Every time  I talk to my husband about it he gets so mad that he tells me please not to tell him anymore. He told me it makes him so angry because she is abusing me and there is nothing that he can do about it. We even got into an argument today! He hates that fact that I don’t speak up for myself and he say’s that I can’t really blame her. No one has told her or stood up to her and tell her she is wrong. Blah Blah Blah

I can understand to some extent why he feels that way but I still need some moral support through this!

I made up my mind that today is the day! I’m going to tell her that I’m coming down even if she doesn’t like it. I’m going to tell that I’m not doing it to disappoint her but because I want to see my father and that I will from now on stay with DeShaun because my asthma isn’t going away and everytime I stay with her it will make it worse. I can’t afford to take time off of work because I’m sick. If she can’t understand where I’m coming from then so be it. I know there will be ramifications for it. That’s what I’m afraid of. Not knowing what it will be but I have to stay strong no matter what. If she doesn’t allow  me to see him then  so be it. I will go down and tell him what has been going on and I will also tell him that my mom might not let me see him and then she will have to deal with it.

I am all she has so hopefully she will understand what I have to tell her!

I’m so sick to my stomach so I just have to get it over with tonight!!! I will let y’all know how it went.

God Bless

So now she is

Published in: on November 4, 2010 at 8:39 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , , , , ,

Hello there!

Hello to all my blog friends! I haven’t been on regularly because I have had so much going on in my life that by the time I sit down I’m ready to go to bed!

My dad is still in the ICU. He is slowly recovering and will be transferred to a rehab facility in the next couple of weeks. God keep showing me how good he is. He has gotten me through such hurdles in my life. When you think all is good then something else happens. At first I thought I was being punished for all the harsh things I have been saying in my post. I soon figured it out its not the case. God wouldn’t put me through all this . It just happened. Its a fluke. Who would of known that my dads AVM would rupture. He has been through so much. 4 surgeries and he is still alive. Its a miracle!

My Mom on the other hand is a complete mess. Her life as she knew it isn’t the same anymore. My Dad had alway’s catered to her every need. Now she has to ask other people for help & do things on her own. I do in a way feel bad for her however she still can be very abrupt and cruel. That hasn’t changed. I was mentally drained for the 2 weeks I was there and I still am in a way. I have to call her everyday for an update. It’s alway’s about her & how drained she is. Oh poor me routine. Let me give you an example. When she found out that their insurance doesn’t cover a lot of the cost for a rehab she was sick to her stomach she was telling my father while he was still in a coma please wake up your costing me $140.00 a day! Then she would laugh a little like it was funny and I would be standing there pissed. Its costing her money. Well it’s both of their money and who cares they have it. Who could say now a day’s if they had over $15,000. 00 in the bank. No one! Everytime she say’s it I just want to curse her out but I keep my mouth shut because I can’t have an opinion! Oh there is so much more! Well lets see she wouldn’t let me drive their car while I was there but she let her Secretary drive it anytime she wanted . My mom doesn’t drive so we would have to bring her to the hospital every day. I stayed at home with her for 2 weeks but she would have her secretary come over and pick us up & bring us to the hospital. Now does that make any sence? No not at all. but I kept my mouth shut ! Oh and here is the latest. Next weekend I am going down for 3 day’s to see my dad and my daughter is going with me. Well you should have heard what she said . She isn’t staying here is she ? I’m not comfortable having her stay here. I am too stressed out and I don’t want to have to caterto her. Blah Blah Blah. She went on & on about it so I had to ask my son if his sister could stay with him while we were there. I just couldn’t believe it! She didn’t want my daughter (her granddaughter) to stay in her house! I almost cancelled my trip but I had to keep saying to myself I’m going down to see my dad. She is something else!!!!!! It’s all about her!!!! She didn’t hear from me for 2 day’s and she called to ask why and I told her that I didn’t get home till late and I didn’t want to wake her.Which was true! Well she went on about how she thought I was upset with her and that her stomach was in knots. How she just couldn’t handle another thing and please don’t be made! Boho boho boho! She didn’t apologize though and she still wanted to make sure that I was coming down & that J(daughter) wasn’t staying there GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Lord help me!!!!! While we were talking she asked what I was doing so I started telling her that I had just got done eating dinner & was getting ready to weed whack the front yard because it had gotten so bad because D(husband) & I have been busy working  and how we didn’t have time! She starts telling me  don’t complain to me about how you don’t have time. I don’t have any time. I have so much to do Blah Blah Blah blah! So I shut up again! Lord help me! I’ll tell you one thing I’m so glad that I have good meds. That is what is keeping me sane!!!

So that the latest & greatest news!

I’ll try to keep everyone posted more often!

Much Love

God Bless!

Published in: on July 28, 2010 at 2:40 pm  Comments (2)  
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Long overdue update!!

Well hello to all of you. God I missed writing on my blog and keeping in touch with all of you.I know many of you are probably wondering when I’ll get back to my life story. Well It will be soon. I have so much going on right now that I need to vent . So here goes!

4 weeks ago my Dad was sitting in front of the T.V. enjoying some ice cream when all the sudden his head started hurting. He complained to my mom and she knew that it was his AVM. It’s a form of vessels in the brain that he has had since he was born. He had minor surgery 30 years ago to help with his seizures. Well all hell broke loose and he had a severe brain bleed. The surgeon said if another hour had went by he wouldn’t be alive. The first hospital he was sent to couldn’t provide the care my dad needed so he was transferred to another hospital. He immediately went in for brain surgery in hopes to stop the bleeding and swelling in the brain. The surgeon told my mom that there was a good chance that he wouldn’t make it through. Well he did. and he has been fighting for his life ever since. My dad was in a coma for 2 1/2 weeks and is slowly coming around. He still has blood in the brain and swelling but it’s getting better. The doctor say’s ti’s going to be baby steps and they aren’t sure how much damage has been done . He will be in the hospital another week or 2 then he will be transferred to a rehabilitation facility where he will remain for a minimum of 120 day’s. Then if he hasn’t responded well then he will be put in a nursing home. It’s been a long haul for all of us.

So now it’s time for me to vent!

When this first happened my mom informed me that she didn’t want me there. I asked her why and she said that she just couldn’t handle taking care of me right now and worry about me. She said she had enough going on. I was very angry. I couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t handle me right now. OMG did she forget that I was an adult. She didn’t need to take care of me. I just wanted to be there for him but again it was all about her. Things never change.

So I waited & waited till she gave me the approval to come there. 2 weeks later I was on my way. I really thought things where going to be different but boy was I wrong. When I got to Long Island my son drove me right to the hospital. When i got to his room my mom was there and she said to me as soon as I walked in “DON”T TOUCH HIM” I was like OMG what is her problem and then she was like he can’t afford to get an infection. I was not allowed to touch, talk or cry for my dad. She told me she just couldn’t handle that right now. She has enough going on . I was soooooooo angry. Again all about her. So that was the first day. God did I dread the next 2 weeks. So every day was an emotional rollercoaster for me. One minute she was okay the next she would chastise me. Letting me know where my place was and where her’s was. She was in control of everything. I was not allowed to ask questions, talk to the doctors, voice any concerns. Pretty much nothing! When I did try to ask, voice or talk to the doctor’s my mom would quickly remind me that was her job not mine. So that was how I spent most of my day’s. She would use me as she pleased. Like she hates sleeping alone so guess who had to sleep with her in the bed? Yep me. My dad alway’s took very good care of her. She never had to lift a finger to do anything at home so guess who did that? Yep me!

Oh and the story goes on and on!

Till next time …

God Bless

Published in: on July 12, 2010 at 1:32 pm  Comments (4)  
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

It’s been a long time! I’m back!

Yes it’s been a long time. I’m so sorry for not keeping all of you updated. There wasn’t any time for me to be able to get on the computer while I was there. I was at the hospital all day from 6:30 am – 5:00 pm by the time we got home we ate dinner and went right to bed. I will definitely tell you everything that has transpired from then till now however I just got back home and I’m mentally & physically exhausted!! Boy do I have a lot to say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ll make sure to fill you in as soon as I can!

Much Love  & God Bless

Published in: on July 8, 2010 at 3:20 pm  Comments (2)  
Tags: ,

Back to the continuence of my life story

It’s been a while since I’ve been on. I know I’m supposed to write more. Purge more of what I have been holding on to but there is soooo much. I’ll have to right for the rest of my life. It makes me feel depressed a little. I mean I know there are many people worse off than me. Oh if you only heard the stories that I did while I was in the hospital. So that’s supposed to make me feel better right? Well in a way not really. I still have the hurt inside that’s been there for so long. Grrrr if I think about it too long it pisses me off. I did allow some of that hurt in my adult years. I have to acknowledge that and I still do allow it now.  Oh I will have to ge to that on another day.

So back to my past. Well after the abuse from my foster brother my parents kicked him out. They didn’t talk about it anymore. It was like it never happened. Well to them not to us. We suffered in silence. Although I didn’t really know it then. I know it now. I pretty much blocked it out for a very long time. That’s how I dealt with it. As the years went on my parents adopted 3 more children. Oh they had a lot of baggage too. I don’t know what my parents were thinking of adopting 3 other siblings who were teenagers. Well the boys were 17 years old twins and the girl was 15. There mother died of cancer and their real father was very abusive and couldn’t take care of them. We had a packed house. Plus my grandmother lived there too. Everyone had their own chores. It wasn’t so bad then I mean there were 5 children so the chores were split evenly. My parents decided to by a house on Long Island and move us out of the city. So we moved to a great big house. There were more chores and a lot of  fighting between my sister & our other adopted sister. They fought over who got the most attention from the boy’s in the neighborhood. I was the child who Mom alway’s showed off like I was a prized big. I never gave them a problem. I was the good child. Whatever they say do I did. I kissed butt all the time because  I was alway’s afraid of doing wrong. It made me so angry that my 2 sisters never thought before they acted. They did what they wanted and got in trouble all the time. They didn’t care. My Mom would get into arguments with them all the time. It alway’s wound up my mother getting ill either her fainting or whatever. I really thought she was such a drama queen. She would cry to my dad and then he would handle it after that. My sisters would fight all the time and then they would tease me like crazy. My brothers graduated high school and both got married really young. I think they were 18 or 19. Let me give you an example of  how sick our family was. My real sister would go babysit for my brother’s wife. He married this girl who already had a 2-year-old. Anyway she would go over there house to babysit. One day I was there and I caught my brother & real sister having sex. Yes you read it right. SEX. Incest!!!! Yep that’s right. My parents had no clue. I don’t know how long it went on for but a little while after that my sister was sent to a drug rehab facility. I don’t even think she was doing drugs. My parents just didn’t know how to control her. They never got her help. HELLO she was abused most her life. So I was traumatized again. They took my sister away from me. The only real family I had. She was gone. Everyone else was gone. I was the only one left. Left to do everything. All the chores. I felt like a slave. I had to make sure all my chores were done & dinner made on some nights before I could even sit down to do my homework. By that time I was so exhausted I didn’t have it in me to concentrate. I did so poorly in school. I hated it. I didn’t fit in. My BFF from elementary was taken away from me when we moved then my sister and then my BFF from high school moved away I had no one that I could confide in. I was a lonely teenager. Oh I worked hard out of school and I didn’t have a problem with boyfriends and I was very sexually active but I was still lonely.  I would try to talk with my Mom she wouldn’t listen or judged me all the time. Yeah and then there was the your going to become no good just like your sister. Is that what you want to become. It was thrown in my face all the time. Oh how I hated it. Well the big house was too big to take care of. My grandmother died of a stroke. Oh I forgot to tell you I wound up being her favorite. We were very close. So we moved again. We moved into a condo. I had job , went to school and tried to spend as much time with my boyfriend as I could. My parents were strict. When  I turned 17 they allowed me to go out more and I had a later curfew. Well one day my friends boyfriend called me upset about a fight he had with her. So he asked if I could come over. I was clueless then. My boyfriend had just broke up with me because he didn’t have a job and couldn’t afford to take me out. So I asked my parents if I could go out they told me yes. I had to be home by 11:30. So he picked me up and we went out to a pool hall and then he took me to his Grandmothers house to watch a movie. Well before I knew it I fell asleep. My friend let me sleep and went to bed. I woke up around 6 am and I panicked. I had my friend take me home. When I got there my parents had my clothes out on the stoop. I knocked on the door and ask why I wasn’t allowed in they wouldn’t open the door. They didn’t want to hear what I had to say. I did not sleep with my friend. I fell asleep on the couch!!!!!!!. GRRRRRRR They didn’t believe me. They kicked me out and changed the locks on the door. This was the second time I broke curfew. The second time. I mean really are we not allowed to make mistakes. I just think they had it with my 2 other sisters that they just wasn’t going to let me get away with anything. I was sooooo angry. I was kicked out of the only home I really had for breaking curfew. I had no were to go. If it wasn’t for my friend bringing me to his grandmothers I would have been out in the street. Homeless. And the story goes on and on…………..

 

c

Published in: on June 16, 2010 at 3:36 pm  Comments (4)  
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Just a thought!

So yesterday I was at the grocery store again and I ran into a friend of mine. I’ve known her for a long time. She is alway’s so happy and cheery. Anyway she hadn’t seen me for a while and started complimenting me on how good I looked. She asked me how I was doing? Well all of you know how I feel about that question. So I told her that I was doing okay but it has been a rough year for me. For some reason I got the feeling that she really didn’t want to hear what I had to say but I started telling her anyway. I didn’t tell her a lot but just that my anxiety level was really bad and I wound up in the hospital so on and so forth. Then I tell her that I’ve been writing a blog and it has helped me a lot. She asked me what a blog was and I told her then she was like oh I couldn’t even be bothered. Who has time for that. Then she tells me she never thinks about the past. She is like life is too short. It has alway’s been all about me. Girl that is the way you should be. All about you. Okay I know she ment well and I have alway’s loved her personality but for me it was hard to hear. I was kind of hurt. I didn’t think she believed that I had that bad of a past to have to have a problem. I don’t know why I must have people validate my feelings but I then say well let me give you a small piece of what I have been through. So I proceed to tell her my mom abandoned me in an abandoned apartment building when I was 2 and my life has never been easy from then on. She then still said oh I don’t have time to think of the past. Blah Blah  Blah Blah Blah. Still with that jolly attitude. Okay so I was done saying anymore. She didn’t get it. Like really get where I was coming from. I’m not sure why I had to keep trying to get her to understand. It doesn’t really matter what she thinks or anyone else but I still need that validation. I think for me it was her validating why I was in the hospital and that it was okay and that I had good reason for falling apart. I don’t know if I’m making any sense but that is how I felt and when it was all over I felt deflated. Oh why do I do this to myself?? Why????Grrrrrrrrr!

Published in: on June 10, 2010 at 11:05 am  Comments (6)  
Tags: , , , ,

Another rant!!

So my evening with the girls was great! I had such a fabulous time. So why am I mad. Well let see who pissed me off yep my husband. When I got home he was asleep on the couch. When he woke up I asked him if he ate. Mind you it was around 11:00 pm. He said he had eaten a little of the salad that I made for him so I felt bad for him and grilled him a couple of hot dogs. It wasn’t anything special but hello it was late! So anyway I was ready for bed. I made the mistake of not taking my night meds till I got home. It usually takes 30-45 minutes for them to kick in. So I laid there wide awake but tired. My husband proceeds to tell me that I had promised him sex. Mmmmm don’t remember that. So I told him no. This man asks me everyday and if he doesn’t ask me he is laid up on me telling me in other way’s that he wants it. I swear sometimes I feel like he is a dog in heat. So then he starts wining about how much his back and neck hurts instead of asking me for a massage he whines. That right there just infuriates me. So I get up and rub his back for 10 minutes and then I stop. He then say’s oh so your done. I say yes!! By now its like after 12 I just want to roll over and go to sleep. Inside  I’m boiling mad but I bite my tongue and not say anything. Oh it gets better. I roll over and try to go to sleep so what does he do he starts spooning me . Okay I don’t know if you girls know what I mean when I say I felt like I was suffocating. Seriously! I couldn’t move with out him pushing himself on me. Grrrrr. This went on for at least 30-45 minutes . My anxiety was so bad it just kept getting worse. I needed space and he was suffocating me. I was ready to just let him have it (what I mean by that is tell him off) when he finally released his grip of me turned over and went to sleep. I’m telling you if he hadn’t done that at that moment I was going to really lose it. I mean really! This has been a matter of discussion with him & I for a long time. Before I went into the hospital I left him for 4 day’s and because I just felt like all I was to him was his servant. Make him dinner, give him a massages, give him sex, trim his hair, work full-time, cook, clean the house, help him with side jobs, and if that wasn’t enough help him with the outside work around the house oh and lets not forget take care of the teenager. He always would bitch to me whenever I wouldn’t help him with the yard work. He would say the yard looks like shit because no one helps me with it. Oh I don’t do enough already. I’m only one person. Shit!! Plus I hate bees & I have severe allergies. Hello I had sinus cancer!!!!!I’m telling you I have just had about enough already. My anxiety is getting bad again!!!

I think he also seems to forget all the abuse I have had in my life. When you have been sexually abused it takes a lot for you to have an enjoyable sex life and for me if you keep pushing me to do it I resist it even more.

I was my parents servant. I did everything for them and a lot of time it wasn’t enough. It just seems like I can’t get a break. God I thought this last time he understood why I was so mentally exhausted. It’s been a little over a month an it feels like were back to square 1. God help me!

Published in: on June 4, 2010 at 1:01 pm  Comments (10)  
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Living in a plastic bubble.

Okay so I’ve been living in a plastic bubble of happiness since I came out of the hospital. It was like my hubbie and & have been on a honeymoon.  Well the honeymoon is over :O(. We have gradually gone back somewhat to like the way it was. I’m pretty bummed out about it. My anxiety is creeping back in. I know I know it’s just the reality of life  but it sucks! There are some choices that I have to make soon and I’m not too happy about it. This next month is going to be hard. My parents want me to come down and visit. They usually pay for everything so it’s really hard to come up with an excuse to not go. They have no idea that I was even in the hospital. I can’t tell them do to unwanted negativity and judgment that I know I’ll get if I do tell them. Even after all is said and done they are the only family that I have and I do love them. They are in their 80’s and they don’t really have any contact with the rest of my siblings. I have alway’s been there. Some part of me wants to go see them and another part of me is scared. They made it very clear how disappointed they were in how Jasmine acted the last time she was there . So do I bring her with me or not? While I’m there I’ll be visiting my son and J would be very upset if I didn’t bring her with me. I love when I’m together with both my kids. We have a blast. We haven’t seen my son since around the holiday’s. I miss him so much and so does J. So do I suck it up and go with the hopes that J will be on her best behavior or what? It’s only once a year that I go. J is stressing me out too. I’ve told her for the past 6 months to look for a job so that she isn’t just sitting home and not doing anything all summer. It’s like pulling teeth. I mentioned it again yesterday and she started telling me that she just wants to get this school year over with. She said MOM I’m stressed out. “Stop telling me I have to look for a job”. I know I have to get one. Teenagers!Grrrrr. I mean the girl is a straight A student but she can’t even remember to feed the dog on an everyday basis. Lord help me.

Oh and there is my hubbie he is back to his annoying habits oh lets see asking for sex everyday and asking what’s for breakfast lunch & dinner everyday. I’m the only one that cooks! I wish he could just make a decision for once already.

Oh and there is the side job he is doing. Hmmmm guess who is working with him ME. I hate it. I know he is doing it for extra money. Believe me we need it but is it really worth it? He acted like an ass over the weekend and made me cry. Oh yes I ran up the stairs and went into the bathroom to let it all out. Yep I’m back to hiding my feelings again. I work full-time and then do what I have to do at home plus the side job and trying to take care of miss thing (the teenager).

So the stress is back! It’s not as bad as it was but it concerns me ! I don’t want to get back there . What I mean is get back to the place where everything was too much for me and I have to go back in the hospital. Any suggestions?

Sorry for ranting but I have to really get it out.

The continuence of the letter

Sorry ! It’s taken me a while to come back and finish this letter. I have to again let you know how hard this is for me. I feel guilty. I know! I know! Your probably thinking I’m crazy but you see I have a very small limited number of people I can call family. Remember my “real  parents” abandoned me when I was 2. I have alway’s been loyal to them no-matter what. So now for me to go back and start expressing how I really felt all this time is strange and feels like I’m turning on them. I’m not sure if you could really understand what I mean when I say this.

So now the guilt has set in. All I have said is true so why do I feel this way? I’m not sure. That is something I’m going to have to discuss with my therapist. If anyone has some input please feel free to comment.

So I have to finish it right? I mean I have finally got myself to open up so now I have to let all of it out. The good the bad and the ugly. There is no turning back. I have to go forward with my healing even if it means that I feel guilty about it.  To hold onto it wouldn’t help me. I mean look what it has done to me so far. So now it’s time to complete this chapter.

 

So Mom let’s get back to you kicking me out. We all know it was your idea. You’re the one who makes the decisions in the relationship. I don’t know exactly what you & Dad were thinking of when you conned me into coming back home . Of course there was a stipulation to it. You only allowed me to come home if I promised to go to Hope House( a drug rehabilitation place). The same place that you made M(sister) go to. Don’t you know she was crying out for help for a long time and you never got her the correct help. So lets put her in a drug rehab. Then you tried to talk me into going to one. That night when I agreed I came home and you wouldn’t even hug me or let me sleep in my own room. You told me I couldn’t go upstairs and I had to sleep on the couch. How could you? You both made me feel like I was so dirty & some kind of criminal. Well that night while you were asleep I decided that I  couldn’t go through with it. Why did I have to go to a drug rehab. I wasn’t on drugs. Did you really think that going there would make me listen better at home or did you just not want the responsibility of having me home. God forbid I make a mistake. I mean really did you ever do anything wrong when you were growing up? We are supposed to learn from our mistakes right? Not me I learned you make one and you are punished. Do you want to know what else I learned don’t make any mistakes. Just like when I was in foster homes. Just in a different way. It wasn’t any better. Oh I hated you then. I hated the fact that most of the time I felt like a robot. Push the button and she will do everything you tell her to do. I couldn’t take it anymore. So I left.

You know what I learned a lot of valuable lessons when I was on my own. I was able to take care of myself. It was hard and I made mistakes along the way but by God I made it through. Do you remember the time when I was 16 and I asked you to take me to the clinic so I could get on birth control? Well you wouldn’t even talk to me about it and you told me that you didn’t condone premarital sex and that was that. No talking to me about protecting myself from any sexual diseases or pregnancy. Nothing. You walked right out of the room. Huh. Well look what happened I never did go to the clinic and I wound up getting pregnant. Oh believe me I love my Son to death and I would never chang that for anything but really? How did you help me then? You as a parent should have steped up to the plate and at least talked to me and gave me advice on how to have safe sex. What kind of parent does that? Really? I was so afraid to call you when I was on my own. I didn’t want the judgment. Almost 2 years went by. Those 2 years were so hard. The boy I was living with decided to cheat on me. I had no were to go. I knew I couldn’t call you for help. I didn’t know what to do I was so heart-broken. I didn’t have any family to turn to and my boyfriend was cheated on me then broke up with me so I tried to commit suicide. Yes that’s right there was a good chance you wouldn’t even have a daughter right now if it worked but God was with me that night and the pills weren’t strong enough. I’m sure you’re in shock right now but I have to come clean. There is so much anger. Well you & Dad came back into my life after my apology for what I had done in the past and it took a long while for both of you to really trust me. Really that should have been the other way around. I couldn’t trust the fact that you both would abandon me again. That alway’s stayed with me. Even now as an adult. Oh there were good times and times when you & dad helped me  financially. I will forever be grateful for that. You have been good to your Grand children but some things that you say still hurt like a knife. When I called you to tell you what was going on with me and how I left home because of the fight that D(husband) & I had. There wasn’t any sympathy. You even asked If D(husband) ever hit me? Why did I leave him? How could I abandon my husband. Even after I told you that I was scared and that I had Post Tramatic Stress Disorder you still made me feel like I was in the wrong. I understand that D(husband) had never hit me but it didn’t help when he yelled or had confrontations with Jasmine. It triggered my symptoms. All you could say to me was how could you? You should be ashamed of yourself. You know what really hurt me the most when you agreed with how D(husband) spoke to J(daughter). You told me well when J was here she was acting like a BITCH so he was telling her the truth. That’s how she acts! I couldn’t believe you said that. I was crushed. How could YOU say that to me about my daughter YOUR grandchild. I will never forget that EVER. The conversation we had then was what really sent me over the edge. I went down hill after that. Went into a black hole. I couldn’t get out. I felt like I failed at everything and I had no control over my life anymore. I felt like I didn’t even exist. Empty!!!! All the pain it hurt so much I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t live feeling like that anymore. I just wanted to die. Really die. I felt like D, J & D would be better off without me. Do you hear me. I wanted to commit suicide!!. Oh just thinking of it now just brings tears to my eyes because I was so lost. What do you have to say about that? Do you know how much pain I have really suffered through? Really? From the time I was abandoned at the age of 2 till now. I’m still in pain. This letter is a part of my healing. Getting things out in the open. I had to write this to  you and not think of how you were going to feel about it because really that’s all I cared about all my life what you and Dad would think of me. Judgment! Abandonment! Punishment!  Well no more. I will no longer put myself in the position for you to hurt me again. I love you but I love me more. I’m my own person and I’m going to do my best to heal and live a new and  more happy life.  

 

So there is the rest of my letter. I never imagined that I had that much anger built up inside. But I guess I do. Please don’t get me wrong. I love my parents and I hope tohave a more loving relationship with them. I’m not sure of my Mom changing. She is in her 80’s. So instead of leaning on her when I’m down. I’m going to lean on people who love me no-matter ! I will continue to take my meds. Go to therapy and lean on my friends, my blog ,& I’m now proud to say my husband. He has really helped in the last month and he has come to realize how awful mental illness is. It took him a while but he finally understands.

Till next time….

 

God Bless

C