Don’t feel like I have courage today!

So I know I’m supposed to be finishing my life story however I find myself feeling very anxious & disconnected . I realized the other day that I do need more help then what I’m getting. I know that it would do some good for me to go into inpatient care. There is a facility only about 30 minutes away. My insurance will pay all the cost!

So what is stopping me? Well I’ll tell you. Fear! Yep that’s why. The fear of the unknown. Fear on how my husband would take it. How my kids would take it. How they would react & feel. I know at this time I’m supposed to take care of  myself and not worry about it but it’s hard when you’re a wife & mother.

How can I get the courage to tell them that I need more help. I have to go somewhere where I can concentrate on my recovery without having to do all the other things that go along with my job as a mother & wife. How can I express that without getting  judgement or feeling guilty? My stomach is in knots over it and I know that I have to do it but every time I go to speak I feel like I’m going to throw up. And of course there is my job. How will they feel . I know there is a law that protects me. I’m so afraid that it will leak out somehow. I work in the HR department. Will I be treated differently. Oh secrets, secrets,  secrets!

Having PTSD sucks because your mind plays tricks on you. Everything that you think might happen is exaggerated and blown out of proportion. I don’t know how to stop that feeling. It’s so discouraging for me. I’m very disappointed in myself because I just knew that I could deal with this and get help. Oh why is this so hard???????????????

I want help! I need help! How do I make them understand???? Oh how I hate feeling this way!

C

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Published in: on April 22, 2010 at 12:31 pm  Comments (6)  
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Secrets!

Well I thought I should write a post about secrets. They are what is causing me the most pain in my life. How can I hold on to them so long? How did I? Is it that we are afraid of judgement ? Yep that’s my reason. Why should I care what other people think of me? I don’t know. That’s what I should be asking myself. Who gives a f—? Really!

I wish it was that easy for me. I’ve held onto secrets my whole life and look where it has gotten me. Sick! Mentally, physically, spiritually! Oh how I wish I  could go back and just yell it out to the world! All of it. All my dirty little secrets!

I did try when I was younger but no one would listen and I usually got punished for it one way or another. I guess that is what I’m afraid of too. Punishment! OMG I just realized as I write this what I’m afraid of! It’s taken this long for me to really understand why I have held onto it for so long.  PUNISHMENT & JUDGMENT ! Wow! how do I get the courage to tell? I’m hoping that in my next sessions of therapy I get the tools to help me with that. COURAGE!

All my life I have been told that I have so much courage. Look at all you have been through people would say. Well someone can tell you till they are blue in the face but if you don’t feel it then the words don’t mean shit!

So just like the Lion in the Wizard of OZ. I need to find that within myself and believe that I do have courage.

Trisha gave me a great idea when she posted about a song that really reflects how she feels so here are mine.

I thought  that I’d like to share 2 songs that for some reason have so much meaning to me latley and everytime I hear them I cry because it is exactly how I feel and eventually would like to feel. The singer is Alicia Keys. Please make sure to really listen to the words! Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-N38dXee-8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohp9dZMo5G4&feature=related

 

God Bless

C

Published in: on April 20, 2010 at 11:31 am  Comments (10)  
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Supposed to be feeling better but I’m not!

Well this is about today and how I’m struggling with my sanity. Like I said before I will be blunt and honest about how I’m feeling. So if you’re not comfortable hearing it then don’t read my blog!!!

Last night I had a very long night. Couldn’t go to sleep. I tossed & turned for a very long time. My mind racing out of control. I just wanted to get up and run . Run out of the house and far away. Run from all the emotions I was feeling . Run away from all of it. I cried and I made sure to not make any noise. My husband did ask me at one point what was wrong ? I knew that he would’nt understand. Understand how I really felt. He would take it personally like he usually does. I mean yeah some of its him but most of it isn’t. Yeah what would he say or think of me if I told him I just didn’t want to live like this! Yes I’m being honest. I would love to just get it over with. Yeah he would think I’m crazy. Maybe I am. Then I think of my kids what would they do with out me? Would my husband really take good care of J. How would she take it. How would my son be. God I know they would be so angry with me.  That’s what is stopping me right now my kids.

My stomach is in knots again. Afraid of someone finding out! More anxiety. Of course that’s what I’m doing to myself right? I really need to know how to manage my emotions because lately I feel like I’m losing my mind! Any suggestions?

 

 

C

Published in: on April 19, 2010 at 10:20 am  Comments (7)  
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The adoption!

Okay so I had a really bad day yesterday(emotionally) It just creeped up on me in the afternoon and I can’t really figure out what set it off all I know is that I got that feeling in my throat again and I just wanted to scream & cry. Going home was a chore and when I walked in the door I had gifts waiting for me. This selfless person whom I met on-line from the UK sent me gifts because she knew that I was not having the best of times lately. Maggie has been truly a blessing in my life. Her husband was diagnosed with the same cancer as I had but unfortunately he lost his fight. Even in her own grief she still managed to thank me for being there for her. I just don’t know if words are enough. If she was her in person I would give her the biggest huggs and kisses!!! I have to give her a shout out. Maggie you are amazing thank you for coming into my life!!!

Then I had the pleasure of speaking to my BFF last night (L) she again just made me feel better by listening. She means the world to me. Girl you just don’t know what you mean to me!!!!!

Also can’t forget my other BFF (K) she alway’s has some amazing things to say to me or email me. She too has been one of the people I can count on. She makes me laugh like crazy especially when she hounds me about Farmville. Oh god she is too funny. I love that girl!!!

 Back to the story!

Before I start the story you need to know this. My adopted father was a Priest and my adopted mother was a Nun. My mom went to work for my dad and they fell in love and she left the convent and he left the I forget what it’s called. The priesthood?.Yes you read it right. They were married for a couple of years and during that time  my mom suffered many miscarriages. The last child she lost was in her 6th month of pregnancy. The doctor told her after that she couldn’t get pregnant again. So they chose to adopt!

Okay back to the story!

So after a while a couple (my parents)went to an adoption agency and saw our pictures in an album that they got to look through. They wanted my sister and the agency told them that we really thought that we should not be separated so they decided to start taking us out for day trips and then weekend sleepover’s. My adopted grandmother told my mom that she didn’t think it would be a good idea to adopt me because I was much darker that my sister. My sister could pass for Italian and people thought I was black because I am on the darker side. My adopted mother didn’t take her advice and they decided that they wanted to adopted us. The day trips & weekend sleepover’s were great. We were spoiled. I was never happier in my life and I felt safe! They never argued or fought and they never hit us so when they asked my sister & I if we wanted them as parents we jumped at the chance. We wanted to get out of the hell we were in.  So for the first year it was fabulous most times. I do remember a couple of things that happened then that should have been a sign.

Once they took us into their home my mother chopped our hair off. We cried and cried. She cut it because she didn’t know how to deal with latino hair. Ours was really thick and very long. It was down to our butts. They never put us in counseling for all the abuse. It was never talked about. My Mom is the boss in the relationship so what ever she said or did my father agreed to. My mom had this thing that if you didn’t finish all your food on your dinner plate then you had to eat it for breakfest cold the next morning! Oh how we hated that. I remember mornings when I would just gag while eating. It was awful. Then there was snack time. My sister & I would be brought outside to have our snacks. My mom made us eat yogurt. Oh how I hated yogurt. My sister would eat hers and I just couldn’t get it down so my mom would force feed it to me. I would be gagging and she would just keep shoving into my mouth until one afternoon when she did I threw it up in her face and she got the point and never gave it to me again. During those times my dad worked long hours and we would be so glad to see him when he got home. Then they decided to adopt more kids and foster another child and the story goes on and on……..

God Bless

c

Published in: on April 16, 2010 at 4:26 pm  Comments (1)  
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Something to think about Hmmmmmm.

Well this isn’t a continuance of my story. Today I just need to vent! I can’t write about the past. I just don’t have it in me today.

You know how when someone sees you they alway’s ask how are you and your automatically say okay. When they ask you or when you ask someone do they or you really want to know the truth? If they only knew. Sometimes I just want to scream out well today I feel like shit! What do you have to say  about that!!! We are alway’s putting up fronts in our everyday lives just so people don’t think your really crazy. I’m sure many of you know what I mean.

My daughter asks me everyday when I come home from work. How are you doing? She thinks it’s cute ! As a teenager she like getting me going . I would love to just tell her the truth. Don’t we alway’s try to teach our children to tell the truth but then we go right on and lie in situations like that. I swear this has been on my mind lately! I have a job where I see many people on an everyday basis and they alway’s ask how are you? It drives me insane because I just want to scream it out. I’m tired of lying about it for so long and it makes me sick to my stomach now when I’m asked that question.  Grrrrrrrr

Well today people I feel like shit…….. Today is a PTSD day and that’s all I have to say!

 

C

Published in: on April 15, 2010 at 2:41 pm  Comments (8)  
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The story goes on and on…..

First I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to comment , read, give advice or just give moral support. I so appreciate it. I do want to give a special shout out to my new friend Trisha. She has been the best!!! Thank you girl! This is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through and just to know that I have people who care and want to be there to help means the world to me!

So back to the story!

After being taken out of that horrible foster home my sister & I were put in another home. They tried I guess to put us in one that was more of an ethnic background like ours. They were hispanic. My sister & I were so excited however we didn’t know how they were going to treat us. Well it wasn’t good. The area where we lived wasn’t good. Our Foster Mother & Father were alcoholics and we barely saw them. We were mainly cared for by our foster-sister who I think was a teenager.  She abused us when ever she got a chance. I mean physically. This is the home which I could blame my Post Tramatic Stress disorder from. There were many instances that arguments & fight happened and then never turned out well. Someone would get hurt bad. Either stabbed , punched or whatever. When ever I thought there would be a fight I would immediately shut down. Just like I do now however when you’re a child it’s different though. There were many times that I had to do that. One year we were having a New Years party and my foster Father & Mother were drunk they got into an argument and someone pulled out a knife well My foster-mother got stabbed. She survived! But that is just an idea on how we lived. Our foster-sister warned my sister & I that if we told our case worker that we would be punished badly. So the next day our case worker came and got us. Took us to McDonald’s and she was asking us a lot of questions about what we did for the holiday and how our christmas was so I blurred out that we had a party and she said how nice. That was it. No mention of the fight or the stabbing. I made sure I didn’t so when our case worker brought us back to the house. She said to my foster-mother I heard you had a party and I could see the look on her face. I knew we were in deep shit! She talked some more to the case worker and then when our case worker left she asked both of us who told and neither one of us would say who so she took our pies away from us and made us kneel on the heating vents in the floor. You know what they look like the ones that look like vents but heat come out of them. We had to kneel on that for about 30 minutes. That’s why my knee’s are so bad now because that was a punishment that was given to us when we were bad or when we didn’t do something that they wanted us to do. If it wasn’t that we got hit, punched,  slapped our hair pulled or one favorite of my foster sister’s is beat us with a high heel shoe. She beat us with the heel part.

Oh but they made sure we looked beautiful whenever the case worker came by! They knew how to play the role and we were not to tell anyone about the abuse. So we put on a role too! My sister and I were also molested by our foster-father. My sister did have it worse than me. She was older! And the story goes on and on……

 

Till next time

 

God Bless

C

The baggage Part 2

I’m sure you’re wondering how I know about my other brothers & sisters well when I was pregnant with my daughter I decided that I needed to know who my Mother and Father were and if  I had anymore brothers & sisters. So my dad gave me the name of the hospital I was born in and I wrote them to asked for my medical history from when I was born. The hospital sent me micro film containing the info . I couldn’t believe they sent it to me. So off to the Library I went hoping to find out more about my other family. I found out that my biological Mom & Dad weren’t married however they had been together for over 7 years. It also stated that I was her 6th child she had given birth to and that 3 of my other sibling were with my Grandmother in Puerto Rico. So it looks like they couldn’t even take care of the other 3 children either .  Anyway that’s how I know!

So let’s get back to the story of adoption and how I got there.

Well as I already said when we were found CPS immediately put us in a foster home. The first couple I don’t remember or I blocked it out. Then there was the foster home where I was purposely burned. I will never forget that one. This was a family who were well off. They had a mentally challenged son. My sister and I were given one bedroom where there were 2 mattresses one on the right side of the room & the other on the left. When I say mattres ses I mean just a mattress nothing else. No dresser. Just a mattress. Not even sheets on them. They locked us up in the room and they didn’t even let us out to go to the bathroom. We had to go on ourselves. Yes you read that right on our selves. My sister and I lived in one room where we slept, ate  pissed & shit in . I don’t know how they could have lived with themselves. I remembered trying to get out of the room and their son would hold the door closed and when we would finally get it open their son would hit us and pull our hair till we got back inside. The father was alway’s out-of-town for work so the mother was the one who was supposed to take care of us. One day our foster-father was coming home early so our foster mom took us out of the room cleaned us up and gave us pretty new dresses to put on for the occasion. I remember my dress was yellow with these pretty little white polka dots on it. It was so pretty. We were all sitting at the dinning room table and we were being served dinner. First course soup. Our foster mom had poured everyone elses soup and mine was last she came over to pour it and instead of pouring it in the bowl she poured it on my chest. I don’t remember much after that but I do know we were taken out of that house and given to another family. I have a scar on my chest to remind me everyday what hell I went through. What a horrible , horrible family!!! The story goes on and on……..

 God Bless

C

Published in: on April 13, 2010 at 4:05 pm  Comments (2)  
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Another bad call.

Well I know I’m supposed to be writing part 2 however I just needed to share this with you. I haven’t spoken to my parents since that weekend. You know the weekend that I left home. So this past Friday was my Mom’s birthday. God how I didn’t want to speak to her. I am still angry with her . I know I should just let it go but I’m still hurt by it! Hell not just that but everything. Everything that happened over the years. So I knew I had to call and wish her a Happy Birthday. I’m the only one out of 5 children that they adopted that even communicate with them on a regular basis. I knew she would be hurt if I didn’t call but I procrastinated all day and then I feel asleep on the couch early that night so I didn’t call. So now I knew that she was probably upset with me so I waited & waited then I finally made the call. I immediately told her how sorry I was for not calling her. But you know I really wasn’t . I would never intentionally hurt someone like that . It’s just I just didn’t want to speak with her. I hate putting on the act. You know that act like everything is okay. I’ve done it for so long and I know as long as I want to have any kind of relationship with them I’ll have to keep doing that. I just hate it. Why do we have to do that. Doesn’t my feelings count anymore. They haven’t in the past. When will they! Ohhhh I’m just so tired of it. So I played the loving daughter role like I alway’s do just to get it over with and she was okay with it and then she handed the phone to my Dad so he could speak to me. So again I had to play the role and he asked me if I was okay and I told him I have some day’s when I feel like crap and some day’s when I’m okay. Honestly I have most day’s when I feel like crap. So then he told me welcome to the club. I was like no he didn’t just say that to me. He has never been in my club so how does he know! But of course I didn’t say that. I kept playing the role.

So till next time……..

 

God Bless

C

Published in: on April 12, 2010 at 3:38 pm  Comments (2)  
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The baggage Part 1

Well before I can get into more about the molestation in my adopted home I have to give you some information about why I was adopted. This is very personal & very emotional for me so I’m going to have to do this in 2 or 3 parts.

Part 1

Well this is what I have been told. My sister remembers more about that day than I do. The day I’m talking about is the day that our biological mother left us in an abandoned building. Yes she left us there never to return. She did however have the decency to call CPS and tell them that we were there our ages, birthday’s & names. My sister was 3 and I was 2. Were were put in a foster home right away. CPS made sure not to separate us. So at least we lived in hell together instead of apart. I don’t know how a mother can just abandon her kids like that. How could you live with yourself not knowing where they are or how they are doing. If they are safe or not. God I couldn’t do it. My daughter goes to the store and I have to call her on the cell phone to make sure she got there and then I make her call me when she leaves. If I don’t hear from her I start to panic and she is 16 years old. My son and I speak to each other a couple of times a week and if I don’t hear from him I start to panic. He is 23 and getting ready to graduate from college. I just can’t fathom that. How could she! Was she that desperate or cold-hearted? I don’t have the answers . I may never have them. All I know is I have a Biological Father, Mother and 4 other brothers and sisters a whole other family that I have not met. Do they ever think of us. Do they even know if we are alive and most importantly do they even care?

Would I even be suffering as much as I am and as much as I did if my life didn’t turn out that way. I am very bitter about it. Okay enough for today. More to come later. Till next time…..

God Bless

C

Published in: on April 11, 2010 at 2:49 pm  Comments (2)  
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The dreaded call!

So now to the phone call. I must admit I was a nervous wreck. I knew I had to call but I also knew the ramifications. My parents love my husband and think he is the best thing in the world. So I pretty much new that they probably were going to take his side. I still had hope deep down that they might support me in what ever decision I make . So I called. I was hoping that my father picked up first because he isn’t so critical and thank god it was him. I explained to him what had happened in the last couple of day’s and then tried to explain to him what I’m going through in my head. I thought he would understand because you see he is a Licensed Mental Social Worker. So he listened and gave me some advice. He wasn’t critical and it seemed like he understood what I was telling him. Yeah right was I wrong! My Mom was with a client at the time so she couldn’t talk to me. My Dad said that they would call me in the morning. So my girlfriend and I went to the Pharmacy to pick up my prescription and when we got back there was a message from my father to call the office well my heart just dropped I knew it he had told my Mom and now she has something to say to me and I knew it isn’t going to be good because you see my Mom is very critical and she also runs the show if you know what I mean. So I dread calling back but I do and my Mom picks up the phone mind you I am sick to my stomach ready to throw up again and she tells me that Dad had told he everything that I said and then she started interrogating me. Really I’m serious.

First it was Well has he ever hit you and I said no but tried to explain to her that he doesn’t have to it can be a certain look, the way he speaks to me I have fear and is worse because of my PTSD so then she say’s well he hasn’t hit you in the 20 years you have been together what makes you think he will now so I knew where that conversation was going.

Then it was I can’t believe you and J ( my daughter) ganged up on him and left him all alone. You abandoned him. No matter how I tried to explain to her what I was going through she just couldn’t or didn’t want to  understand. My husband & I have other issues in or relationship besides that and she asked me what those were and when I told her she dismissed them and went back to Well you know when J was here a couple of months ago she was acting like a b—-. So what he called her that. It probably was the truth. I couldn’t believe that was coming out of her mouth. Then she starts telling me that if your father knew that you purposely ganged up on D(my husband) and abandoned him he would be very upset with you know. Well I just shut down again and really didn’t listen to what else she had to say. I just said yes, yup okay and got off the phone as quick as I could. No support what so ever. Not a surprise. It still hurt anyway. I have never had any emotional support by her ever!!! As I type this it just eats me up inside to know that all my life even when I was growing up and got molested in their home by my foster brother they never got us help never!!!! You see I was adopted by them when I was 8. They adopted my sister and I . My sister was 9. We lived in foster homes for many years. All were bad. So when they adopted us we had a lot of baggage. Emotional baggage. They never got us help. They never talked to us about it. It was just never spoken about. Then they took in a foster child. Well he was 17 and the story goes on and on. So till next time………


God Bless

C

Published in: on April 10, 2010 at 4:02 pm  Comments (3)  
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