Am I 44 or not!

That’s what I ask myself  every time my mom treats me like a child. This time it was about going down to visit my dad. I had issues that I had to deal with because my mom wanted me to stay with her and  didn’t want to because of my asthma. You see the last time I went down my asthma got so bad I was sick for over a month. Well my mom made arrangements for me to sleep down stairs so I did wind up staying with her.

Well I had a lot of anxiety over it. My mom needs me in her own little selfish way and I don’t want to disappoint her so I gave in. Yeah I know I have to get over that because I’m 44 years old now and I’m not a little kid. I should be able to make my own decisions right? Well my mom sometimes forgets that I’m an adult & so do I. I did speak up to her finally and told her how she was making me feel but in the long run she wound up getting her way anyway. That is how it usually is. I am however proud that I spoke up for myself. I have never in the 38 years that she has been my mother. NEVER. When I made the decision to do so I wanted to vomit. That day was long for me! I couldn’t call her till the evening and the closer I got to the time the more sicker I felt. I asked my husband if he could just sit next to me when I talked to her and he did. So I did it. Do I feel any different? Well yes in a way. Was it a victory? NO! She still got her way. If my dad knew he would be very upset.  I’m sure he knows in a way he has lived with her for 40 years! I don’t know how he has done it. I don’t know how anyone could live with such a person.

I’m sure there is some part of her that is good. i see it every now & then but in the back of my mind I still have that fear! Fear of Judgment & abandonment. Also fear that if I don’t do what she says then she wont allow me to see my dad. So I just go through the motions . You know kind of like being fake . I swore that after my last hospital stay that I wouldn’t do that anymore but now I kind of feel like I have no choice. Its hard. I’m trying really hard. Even though my mom is a tough person to deal with i still love her. She is the only mom I have .

My daughter tells me she doesn’t understand why I allow her to treat me that way. She will never understand neither will my husband. They never been in my place. They have never been abandoned. they will never know that feeling. It’s not  a good one! So I deal as best as I can and hang onto every moment that I have left with my dad. Our time with him is so precious!

God Bless

Advertisements
Published in: on November 15, 2010 at 9:07 pm  Comments (2)  
Tags: , , , , , ,

The URI to TrackBack this entry is: https://solecleansing66.wordpress.com/2010/11/15/am-i-44-or-not/trackback/

RSS feed for comments on this post.

2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. It’s hard for parents to see their children as adults at times, we are living with and helping Cindy’s parents deal with her Moms Alzheimers and I do feel like we are teenagers most of the time, just think a 50 year old teenager Ha Ha

    I am proud of you for standing up and letting her know how you feel, even if she got her way she still heard how you feel and that is important, I know my kids have given me the reminder that they are adults now and I have no problem with a reminder once in a while 🙂

  2. Some people are controling and it’s difficult for them to change. Your telling her how you feel is a big step for both of you. Your mother might even be playing on your abandonment issues to get her way with you. I know some people who are manipulative in that sense. I know that some parents will play their children to get their way. If you stand strong, she’ll back down. I see this as a tremendous growth opportunity for you, and her and your relationship with her if she can change her perspective. I wish you the best in dealing with her. Often people outside a family don’t understand the dynamics because they haven’t lived it. It is always easier to tell someone else what to do. I come from a large complicated family so I have an idea where you’re coming from.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: