Am I 44 or not!

That’s what I ask myself  every time my mom treats me like a child. This time it was about going down to visit my dad. I had issues that I had to deal with because my mom wanted me to stay with her and  didn’t want to because of my asthma. You see the last time I went down my asthma got so bad I was sick for over a month. Well my mom made arrangements for me to sleep down stairs so I did wind up staying with her.

Well I had a lot of anxiety over it. My mom needs me in her own little selfish way and I don’t want to disappoint her so I gave in. Yeah I know I have to get over that because I’m 44 years old now and I’m not a little kid. I should be able to make my own decisions right? Well my mom sometimes forgets that I’m an adult & so do I. I did speak up to her finally and told her how she was making me feel but in the long run she wound up getting her way anyway. That is how it usually is. I am however proud that I spoke up for myself. I have never in the 38 years that she has been my mother. NEVER. When I made the decision to do so I wanted to vomit. That day was long for me! I couldn’t call her till the evening and the closer I got to the time the more sicker I felt. I asked my husband if he could just sit next to me when I talked to her and he did. So I did it. Do I feel any different? Well yes in a way. Was it a victory? NO! She still got her way. If my dad knew he would be very upset.  I’m sure he knows in a way he has lived with her for 40 years! I don’t know how he has done it. I don’t know how anyone could live with such a person.

I’m sure there is some part of her that is good. i see it every now & then but in the back of my mind I still have that fear! Fear of Judgment & abandonment. Also fear that if I don’t do what she says then she wont allow me to see my dad. So I just go through the motions . You know kind of like being fake . I swore that after my last hospital stay that I wouldn’t do that anymore but now I kind of feel like I have no choice. Its hard. I’m trying really hard. Even though my mom is a tough person to deal with i still love her. She is the only mom I have .

My daughter tells me she doesn’t understand why I allow her to treat me that way. She will never understand neither will my husband. They never been in my place. They have never been abandoned. they will never know that feeling. It’s not  a good one! So I deal as best as I can and hang onto every moment that I have left with my dad. Our time with him is so precious!

God Bless

WHY WHY WHY

Why do I still allow my mom to control me? I just can’t take it !  The latest is that the last time I went down to visit my mom my allergies & asthma got so bad that I’ve been coughing ever since. It’s been over a month I finally went to the doctors and they had to give me a breathing treatment and steroids plus a new inhaler. So I called my mom to tell her that I wouldn’t be able to stay with her the next time i came down because of all the dog hair and plus there is only one bed so I have to sleep in the same bed with her when I’m there and she has to have the dog in the bed with her. Yeah I know she has issues. So I told her that I would be staying with my son and she stopped me once I said that and told me that the reason I go down there is not only to see my dad but to see her and keep her company. She said she is lonely and that it would really upset her if I came down and didn’t stay with her. Again its all about her as usual. I told her again I can’t because of the asthma and she said well wait till it gets better and then come down. It would really disappoint her if I came down now. Oh and then she tells me to not come down because the nursing home would think I was contagious because of all my coughing. They wouldn’t want me there.

Well here we go again now she is telling me when I can and when I can’t come down & who I can’t stay with wile I”m there. Really!!! Come on now is it me or am I losing my mind? She is telling me that when I come down that I am to stay with her not my son. Really how old am I ? Did she somehow in that crazy mind of hers think that I was still 6 years old and not 44?

There are so many other things that has gone on in the past few months that I can write a book!

Every time  I talk to my husband about it he gets so mad that he tells me please not to tell him anymore. He told me it makes him so angry because she is abusing me and there is nothing that he can do about it. We even got into an argument today! He hates that fact that I don’t speak up for myself and he say’s that I can’t really blame her. No one has told her or stood up to her and tell her she is wrong. Blah Blah Blah

I can understand to some extent why he feels that way but I still need some moral support through this!

I made up my mind that today is the day! I’m going to tell her that I’m coming down even if she doesn’t like it. I’m going to tell that I’m not doing it to disappoint her but because I want to see my father and that I will from now on stay with DeShaun because my asthma isn’t going away and everytime I stay with her it will make it worse. I can’t afford to take time off of work because I’m sick. If she can’t understand where I’m coming from then so be it. I know there will be ramifications for it. That’s what I’m afraid of. Not knowing what it will be but I have to stay strong no matter what. If she doesn’t allow  me to see him then  so be it. I will go down and tell him what has been going on and I will also tell him that my mom might not let me see him and then she will have to deal with it.

I am all she has so hopefully she will understand what I have to tell her!

I’m so sick to my stomach so I just have to get it over with tonight!!! I will let y’all know how it went.

God Bless

So now she is

I can’t believe it’s been this long!

First-  I want to say to all my friends that my life has forever changed. Mostly in a good way and some in a not so positive way. Boy i have so much to tell you so first and foremost I have to give thanks to my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ! I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for him. There are sooo many people that say that like in there acceptance speech after winning something. Well I have to say I’m not like those people. I truly believe that if I didn’t have him in my life I would seriously be dead. So many thanks to him!!!

Second-  I have to say that my husband has made some drastic changes and I have fallen in love with him all over again! It’s not easy by any means. We both have to work really hard on our relationship. The blessing is he is willing to do that. After telling the truth about everything it’s been much easier.

Third – My therapist has been fabulous. She has helped me tremendously. Of course she tells me that I’m the one doing the work.

Fourth- My children! they are the love of my life. My son has been wonderful. We have I think gotten really close lately. Of course I can’t forget the teenager. This is where life hasn’t been so easy. My girl always’ has a surprise for me. She is something else. I just keep praying to god to help me through this stage in her life. LOL. I love her to death though!

So for the not so good things going on in my life well you don’t really have to guess it’s my Mom & Dad.

It’s been a rough road. There is soo much I have to tell you about that but for right now I’m just grateful that my dad is still alive. He has been through so much.

So that’s all for now. Before all this happened I had enough events in my life that I could have written a couple of books well now lets just say I am up to about 5 books! LOL

 

Mush Love

God Bless

Hello there!

Hello to all my blog friends! I haven’t been on regularly because I have had so much going on in my life that by the time I sit down I’m ready to go to bed!

My dad is still in the ICU. He is slowly recovering and will be transferred to a rehab facility in the next couple of weeks. God keep showing me how good he is. He has gotten me through such hurdles in my life. When you think all is good then something else happens. At first I thought I was being punished for all the harsh things I have been saying in my post. I soon figured it out its not the case. God wouldn’t put me through all this . It just happened. Its a fluke. Who would of known that my dads AVM would rupture. He has been through so much. 4 surgeries and he is still alive. Its a miracle!

My Mom on the other hand is a complete mess. Her life as she knew it isn’t the same anymore. My Dad had alway’s catered to her every need. Now she has to ask other people for help & do things on her own. I do in a way feel bad for her however she still can be very abrupt and cruel. That hasn’t changed. I was mentally drained for the 2 weeks I was there and I still am in a way. I have to call her everyday for an update. It’s alway’s about her & how drained she is. Oh poor me routine. Let me give you an example. When she found out that their insurance doesn’t cover a lot of the cost for a rehab she was sick to her stomach she was telling my father while he was still in a coma please wake up your costing me $140.00 a day! Then she would laugh a little like it was funny and I would be standing there pissed. Its costing her money. Well it’s both of their money and who cares they have it. Who could say now a day’s if they had over $15,000. 00 in the bank. No one! Everytime she say’s it I just want to curse her out but I keep my mouth shut because I can’t have an opinion! Oh there is so much more! Well lets see she wouldn’t let me drive their car while I was there but she let her Secretary drive it anytime she wanted . My mom doesn’t drive so we would have to bring her to the hospital every day. I stayed at home with her for 2 weeks but she would have her secretary come over and pick us up & bring us to the hospital. Now does that make any sence? No not at all. but I kept my mouth shut ! Oh and here is the latest. Next weekend I am going down for 3 day’s to see my dad and my daughter is going with me. Well you should have heard what she said . She isn’t staying here is she ? I’m not comfortable having her stay here. I am too stressed out and I don’t want to have to caterto her. Blah Blah Blah. She went on & on about it so I had to ask my son if his sister could stay with him while we were there. I just couldn’t believe it! She didn’t want my daughter (her granddaughter) to stay in her house! I almost cancelled my trip but I had to keep saying to myself I’m going down to see my dad. She is something else!!!!!! It’s all about her!!!! She didn’t hear from me for 2 day’s and she called to ask why and I told her that I didn’t get home till late and I didn’t want to wake her.Which was true! Well she went on about how she thought I was upset with her and that her stomach was in knots. How she just couldn’t handle another thing and please don’t be made! Boho boho boho! She didn’t apologize though and she still wanted to make sure that I was coming down & that J(daughter) wasn’t staying there GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Lord help me!!!!! While we were talking she asked what I was doing so I started telling her that I had just got done eating dinner & was getting ready to weed whack the front yard because it had gotten so bad because D(husband) & I have been busy working  and how we didn’t have time! She starts telling me  don’t complain to me about how you don’t have time. I don’t have any time. I have so much to do Blah Blah Blah blah! So I shut up again! Lord help me! I’ll tell you one thing I’m so glad that I have good meds. That is what is keeping me sane!!!

So that the latest & greatest news!

I’ll try to keep everyone posted more often!

Much Love

God Bless!

Long overdue update!!

Well hello to all of you. God I missed writing on my blog and keeping in touch with all of you.I know many of you are probably wondering when I’ll get back to my life story. Well It will be soon. I have so much going on right now that I need to vent . So here goes!

4 weeks ago my Dad was sitting in front of the T.V. enjoying some ice cream when all the sudden his head started hurting. He complained to my mom and she knew that it was his AVM. It’s a form of vessels in the brain that he has had since he was born. He had minor surgery 30 years ago to help with his seizures. Well all hell broke loose and he had a severe brain bleed. The surgeon said if another hour had went by he wouldn’t be alive. The first hospital he was sent to couldn’t provide the care my dad needed so he was transferred to another hospital. He immediately went in for brain surgery in hopes to stop the bleeding and swelling in the brain. The surgeon told my mom that there was a good chance that he wouldn’t make it through. Well he did. and he has been fighting for his life ever since. My dad was in a coma for 2 1/2 weeks and is slowly coming around. He still has blood in the brain and swelling but it’s getting better. The doctor say’s ti’s going to be baby steps and they aren’t sure how much damage has been done . He will be in the hospital another week or 2 then he will be transferred to a rehabilitation facility where he will remain for a minimum of 120 day’s. Then if he hasn’t responded well then he will be put in a nursing home. It’s been a long haul for all of us.

So now it’s time for me to vent!

When this first happened my mom informed me that she didn’t want me there. I asked her why and she said that she just couldn’t handle taking care of me right now and worry about me. She said she had enough going on. I was very angry. I couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t handle me right now. OMG did she forget that I was an adult. She didn’t need to take care of me. I just wanted to be there for him but again it was all about her. Things never change.

So I waited & waited till she gave me the approval to come there. 2 weeks later I was on my way. I really thought things where going to be different but boy was I wrong. When I got to Long Island my son drove me right to the hospital. When i got to his room my mom was there and she said to me as soon as I walked in “DON”T TOUCH HIM” I was like OMG what is her problem and then she was like he can’t afford to get an infection. I was not allowed to touch, talk or cry for my dad. She told me she just couldn’t handle that right now. She has enough going on . I was soooooooo angry. Again all about her. So that was the first day. God did I dread the next 2 weeks. So every day was an emotional rollercoaster for me. One minute she was okay the next she would chastise me. Letting me know where my place was and where her’s was. She was in control of everything. I was not allowed to ask questions, talk to the doctors, voice any concerns. Pretty much nothing! When I did try to ask, voice or talk to the doctor’s my mom would quickly remind me that was her job not mine. So that was how I spent most of my day’s. She would use me as she pleased. Like she hates sleeping alone so guess who had to sleep with her in the bed? Yep me. My dad alway’s took very good care of her. She never had to lift a finger to do anything at home so guess who did that? Yep me!

Oh and the story goes on and on!

Till next time …

God Bless

It’s been a long time! I’m back!

Yes it’s been a long time. I’m so sorry for not keeping all of you updated. There wasn’t any time for me to be able to get on the computer while I was there. I was at the hospital all day from 6:30 am – 5:00 pm by the time we got home we ate dinner and went right to bed. I will definitely tell you everything that has transpired from then till now however I just got back home and I’m mentally & physically exhausted!! Boy do I have a lot to say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ll make sure to fill you in as soon as I can!

Much Love  & God Bless

Dad in critical condition!

To my blog family I just wanted to inform you that my Dad had a severe brain hemorrhage last night. They had to do 2 surgeries on him this morning and he is in critical condition. I’m sooo sad. I’ll probably be leaving to go down to the Island very soon. I have to say even though I’ve had a rough life and upbringing my parents are all that I have and I still love them very much! Please keep my Dad in your prayers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to the continuence of my life story

It’s been a while since I’ve been on. I know I’m supposed to write more. Purge more of what I have been holding on to but there is soooo much. I’ll have to right for the rest of my life. It makes me feel depressed a little. I mean I know there are many people worse off than me. Oh if you only heard the stories that I did while I was in the hospital. So that’s supposed to make me feel better right? Well in a way not really. I still have the hurt inside that’s been there for so long. Grrrr if I think about it too long it pisses me off. I did allow some of that hurt in my adult years. I have to acknowledge that and I still do allow it now.  Oh I will have to ge to that on another day.

So back to my past. Well after the abuse from my foster brother my parents kicked him out. They didn’t talk about it anymore. It was like it never happened. Well to them not to us. We suffered in silence. Although I didn’t really know it then. I know it now. I pretty much blocked it out for a very long time. That’s how I dealt with it. As the years went on my parents adopted 3 more children. Oh they had a lot of baggage too. I don’t know what my parents were thinking of adopting 3 other siblings who were teenagers. Well the boys were 17 years old twins and the girl was 15. There mother died of cancer and their real father was very abusive and couldn’t take care of them. We had a packed house. Plus my grandmother lived there too. Everyone had their own chores. It wasn’t so bad then I mean there were 5 children so the chores were split evenly. My parents decided to by a house on Long Island and move us out of the city. So we moved to a great big house. There were more chores and a lot of  fighting between my sister & our other adopted sister. They fought over who got the most attention from the boy’s in the neighborhood. I was the child who Mom alway’s showed off like I was a prized big. I never gave them a problem. I was the good child. Whatever they say do I did. I kissed butt all the time because  I was alway’s afraid of doing wrong. It made me so angry that my 2 sisters never thought before they acted. They did what they wanted and got in trouble all the time. They didn’t care. My Mom would get into arguments with them all the time. It alway’s wound up my mother getting ill either her fainting or whatever. I really thought she was such a drama queen. She would cry to my dad and then he would handle it after that. My sisters would fight all the time and then they would tease me like crazy. My brothers graduated high school and both got married really young. I think they were 18 or 19. Let me give you an example of  how sick our family was. My real sister would go babysit for my brother’s wife. He married this girl who already had a 2-year-old. Anyway she would go over there house to babysit. One day I was there and I caught my brother & real sister having sex. Yes you read it right. SEX. Incest!!!! Yep that’s right. My parents had no clue. I don’t know how long it went on for but a little while after that my sister was sent to a drug rehab facility. I don’t even think she was doing drugs. My parents just didn’t know how to control her. They never got her help. HELLO she was abused most her life. So I was traumatized again. They took my sister away from me. The only real family I had. She was gone. Everyone else was gone. I was the only one left. Left to do everything. All the chores. I felt like a slave. I had to make sure all my chores were done & dinner made on some nights before I could even sit down to do my homework. By that time I was so exhausted I didn’t have it in me to concentrate. I did so poorly in school. I hated it. I didn’t fit in. My BFF from elementary was taken away from me when we moved then my sister and then my BFF from high school moved away I had no one that I could confide in. I was a lonely teenager. Oh I worked hard out of school and I didn’t have a problem with boyfriends and I was very sexually active but I was still lonely.  I would try to talk with my Mom she wouldn’t listen or judged me all the time. Yeah and then there was the your going to become no good just like your sister. Is that what you want to become. It was thrown in my face all the time. Oh how I hated it. Well the big house was too big to take care of. My grandmother died of a stroke. Oh I forgot to tell you I wound up being her favorite. We were very close. So we moved again. We moved into a condo. I had job , went to school and tried to spend as much time with my boyfriend as I could. My parents were strict. When  I turned 17 they allowed me to go out more and I had a later curfew. Well one day my friends boyfriend called me upset about a fight he had with her. So he asked if I could come over. I was clueless then. My boyfriend had just broke up with me because he didn’t have a job and couldn’t afford to take me out. So I asked my parents if I could go out they told me yes. I had to be home by 11:30. So he picked me up and we went out to a pool hall and then he took me to his Grandmothers house to watch a movie. Well before I knew it I fell asleep. My friend let me sleep and went to bed. I woke up around 6 am and I panicked. I had my friend take me home. When I got there my parents had my clothes out on the stoop. I knocked on the door and ask why I wasn’t allowed in they wouldn’t open the door. They didn’t want to hear what I had to say. I did not sleep with my friend. I fell asleep on the couch!!!!!!!. GRRRRRRR They didn’t believe me. They kicked me out and changed the locks on the door. This was the second time I broke curfew. The second time. I mean really are we not allowed to make mistakes. I just think they had it with my 2 other sisters that they just wasn’t going to let me get away with anything. I was sooooo angry. I was kicked out of the only home I really had for breaking curfew. I had no were to go. If it wasn’t for my friend bringing me to his grandmothers I would have been out in the street. Homeless. And the story goes on and on…………..

 

c

What a day! What a day!

I’m only going to say this once. If you are not comfortable reading about very personal sexual material then please stop right now and exit my blog. Today have to be completely honest with how I feel.

Well when I left work today to go to therapy I didn’t expect to rant about my husband but I did.I mentioned before that I felt like we were living in a plastic bubble when I got out the hospital. It felt like he really got it. Like he knew what to do to make me feel better. Well slowly but surely it seems like things are back to they way they used to be.

When I got to my appointment the first question my therapist asked was so what’s going on. So I proceeded to tell her how I felt and before I knew it I kind of had an ahhhh moment. I’ve mentioned before that I have alway’s had this fear of my husband. He has never hurt me physically but emotionally I know he has. I learned that today. I started complaining about my husband expecting me to do things for him sexually. Things that I am not comfortable doing. So when I got out the hospital he stopped doing that and then last week he started again. Little by little he would ask me to expose myself to him. First it would be my top. Then it would be my bottom half. This he would ask any time of the day. So know it’s back to being on an everyday basis like it was before. Ohhhh how I hate it but I do it to shut him up. He also asks me to expose myself when we are in the car coming from or to work. If I don’t do it then he gets pissed of and has an attitude for the rest of the day! He asks for sex everyday and if I don’t give it to him he reminds me everyday. It’s like I don’t have any control over my body. He has kept hounding me about anal sex. I don’t like it at all but this man has been hounding me and hounding me. I’ll come home from the store and he would be like well did you buy any condoms and I’ll say no. This will go on and on so yesterday before I went to the pharmacy to pick up my script he said can you pick me up a box of condoms so we can you know. GRrrrrrrrrr

So what did I do I bought them. Now I have to give it up one of these day’s because he has the condoms now.

I feel like my dignity is being taken away from me layer by layer. We have talked about this before and he’ll stop for a while but then it will be just like it was.

Well my therapist said that he is not respecting my body and that i need to take control of what I what to do with my body or not. I know I have to talk with him about it but I have done this before and it goes in one ear and out the other.

So how do I get that control back. Sometimes i feel that if I just leave it would be easier that confronting him about this or any other issue because of fear. Oh I just hate life sometimes. Why does it have to be so hard!

There is so much more I want to say but it will have to be in my next post . My Seriquil has kicked in!

 

Till next time.

I have to reclaim my life . Learn who I really am and love me. My anxiety is getting bad again so I’m going to have to face it.

Just a thought!

So yesterday I was at the grocery store again and I ran into a friend of mine. I’ve known her for a long time. She is alway’s so happy and cheery. Anyway she hadn’t seen me for a while and started complimenting me on how good I looked. She asked me how I was doing? Well all of you know how I feel about that question. So I told her that I was doing okay but it has been a rough year for me. For some reason I got the feeling that she really didn’t want to hear what I had to say but I started telling her anyway. I didn’t tell her a lot but just that my anxiety level was really bad and I wound up in the hospital so on and so forth. Then I tell her that I’ve been writing a blog and it has helped me a lot. She asked me what a blog was and I told her then she was like oh I couldn’t even be bothered. Who has time for that. Then she tells me she never thinks about the past. She is like life is too short. It has alway’s been all about me. Girl that is the way you should be. All about you. Okay I know she ment well and I have alway’s loved her personality but for me it was hard to hear. I was kind of hurt. I didn’t think she believed that I had that bad of a past to have to have a problem. I don’t know why I must have people validate my feelings but I then say well let me give you a small piece of what I have been through. So I proceed to tell her my mom abandoned me in an abandoned apartment building when I was 2 and my life has never been easy from then on. She then still said oh I don’t have time to think of the past. Blah Blah  Blah Blah Blah. Still with that jolly attitude. Okay so I was done saying anymore. She didn’t get it. Like really get where I was coming from. I’m not sure why I had to keep trying to get her to understand. It doesn’t really matter what she thinks or anyone else but I still need that validation. I think for me it was her validating why I was in the hospital and that it was okay and that I had good reason for falling apart. I don’t know if I’m making any sense but that is how I felt and when it was all over I felt deflated. Oh why do I do this to myself?? Why????Grrrrrrrrr!